unklehookd

Jail, Dead,….or the delivery room?

Posted in life, love with tags choices on January 15, 2012 by unklehookd

Wow! What a crazy day on the phone I’ve had today! First of all, congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens for qualifying for the next round of the playoffs. As you always play to the level of your opponent, it’s always interesting, but I appreciate the extra week of shoving it down my friends who are Steelers fans’ throats. Choke on that, Unoffendables! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, ever since I quit working last year, my dance card’s been pretty empty, and I don’t really make phone calls since I lived on the phone for a good portion of my life. But, as I said, I’m ready to get back to business, and you know what they say. Throw something out to the universe, and it tends to throw it back to you, or something like that.

Well, today, I got hit with all ends of the spectrum. I got a collect call from an institution I used to be a guest at, 2000 miles away (not from them, but from one of their new guests), a phone call alerting me that Papa Evil, my first magazine mentor had a stroke and is in a coma (it’s been one hell of a month in terms of deaths, and the like), and my true Crabby’s angel/devil dropped in for a visit for the first time in years after reading my last blog (Yeah, sure, OK, let’s have a baby together—-just kidding). I guess the motto of the day is “Life is short!” You can’t get much heavier than jail, near-death experiences, and baby talk. I should clarify, she didn’t ask me to father her child, she just said I should father a child soon. And, I agreed, acknowledging that my clock is ticking (I’ve only got about 30 more years, ya’ know).

This whole experience has been strange for me recently. As a guy who hits town, and jets before the dust settles, I’ve mentioned how I’m not really the guy that keeps in touch. Fuck, this blog would’ve never been in existence if I didn’t try to sell my buddy a book (Long Sleeved Summers by Michael Janflone – http://www.createspace.com/3709148), just to have him tell me, “After 15 years, you show up and try to push this book on me. How about telling me where the fuck you’ve been the last 15 years?” HA! Well, much to my surprise, between this blog and Facefuck, I’ve reconnected with MANY different players in the soap opera I call “Michael’s Song.” I don’t know where that came from, I wouldn’t call it that, but I don’t believe in going backwards (except to correct spelling errors). In the last month, I’ve run into “Shooter” from my teenage wasteland experience (who is now 11 years sober! Fuck, yeah!), my ex-fiance, “CoCo” (who I wasn’t sure I would ever talk to again—we also talked about babies, with the shoe on the other foot, but I also got some of the kindest words I’ve ever heard from anyone, and they came from her mouth—blew my mind), half of the Vegas 7, many of the Florida Fun Bunch, a great deal of the Hillandale Posse, a couple of my closest friends I knew since I was 5, my best friend from junior high, and people I’ve known since I first started peddling magz for $1500/deal (unfortunately, in a setting that wasn’t quite optimal, to say the least)

—Dale, I know you can here me, and I love you for everything you taught me, whether it was how to be or how not to be and I hope your suffering is kept to a minimum, whatever that entails—Peace be with you, Socrates!)

Throw in all the old faces, plus the fact that my family (the part that likes me) always gets me grounded again, and the death that’s swirling around me like an ethereal whirlpool (or tornado), that I happen to be right in the eye of, and I got myself a whole new way of thinking and being. I’m actually adult-ish, for once. I mean, let’s not get carried away. I’m still a fool, but jail’s not somewhere I want to waste time at; death, while not scary, is not something I feel like doing right this moment; And, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t understand that the baby thing is coming up way too often to be a coincidence. If either of you are listening, that means for you as much as it means for me, if not more so. Take the plunge! I know both of you would be awesome mothers, and you have nothing to fear! Trust me and take it to heart, I know whereof I speak!

P.S. I often take cigarette breaks in the middle of my blogs to settle down, clear my head, and start anew, just slower. During this particular one, I just had a great idea! “One time only” offer: I will abandon all my pre-conceived notions and drop any judgements I may have, and totally clear my mind if any female out there wants to step up and have me impregnate her on March 21st of this year. Let me know, and we will usher in the end of the Mayan calendar with little baby Feldenkris! Dah-da-da-dah (To the tune of O Fortuna, 1st cut on Carmina Burana, and anyone that knows me, knows how that goes!)

Anyone remember the final scene of Devil’s Advocate, where Al Pacino says to Keanu Reeves, “I have so many names.” I think my version would be, “I have so many issues.”

One more thing. At times, I have asked for responses from the gallery on certain issues, and I never get them, but I’ll ask away anyway. Truthfully, I really do get them, just not in the multitudes I expect, or in writing, ever. They always come in the form of a secret message, or a personal phone call, from one person, and one person only. But, it is an answer nonetheless. (Drum roll, please!)

My question for today is: Which kind of post appeals to you more? A story of a time I’ve lived before? Or a message coming “out of the blue” from today? I’m not saying I won’t keep see-sawing back and forth, but I’m curious to know what YOU get the most out of, because after all, this is as much for you as it is for me! Take care, one and all! Thank you for being there for me! 108!

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Be me or Not Be Me? That is the question!

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs with tags internal struggles on January 15, 2012 by unklehookd

I was reminded the other day, by an old, and very dear friend that I should ease up on some people because I’ve done things “my way, right or wrong, and had a freedom others haven’t had because they always do what’s expected.” I think that’s why, to some degree, people tend to enjoy my posts. At least the people who say something, because I only hear the good critiques. For whatever reason, the people who find me objectionable don’t tell me so, which is cool for me, as that is the primary reason for my avoidant personality disorder. But, that’s just the way I am. I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. The road I was “supposed” to take just never sounded appealing, and to tell the truth, I’m not sure it sounds any better now.

It’s such a conundrum. Is it that once you have a taste of true freedom, going back to the “institution” seems too boring, and unimaginable? Or is freedom just another word for nothing left to lose, like Kris Kristofferson wrote for Janis Joplin to immortalize? Currently, I have nothing, but I certainly am not nothing. I don’t know if I am even making sense. Everything seems to be garbled up in my head. I have fuzzy thoughts of the “idea of drugs” dancing through my head, yet knowing none of them bring the true satisfaction I’m looking for. As a matter of fact, my mom asked me the other day if I saw myself doing drugs again. I had to pause. After all, my stock answer is, “I won’t go looking for it. Searching, and hunting, and waiting just isn’t my thing.” It’s not that being in dangerous situations is that big of a deal, but I hate waiting around for anybody, or anything. It’s not in my make-up to sit in a car for three hours, waiting for someone to come home with what may, or may not, be an acceptable bounty. I hate it! I hate it when I’m doing it, I’d rather be somewhere else, and it truly isn’t that important to me. Shit, even when I’m kicking, I’d rather be locked away in a house, flopping around like a fish out of water, rather than chasing somebody around town looking for a quick fix. The worst day I ever had was when I was withdrawing from heroin, actually fentanyl, also known as “china white.” I had nowhere to go, and it was a chilly, rainy day. It was awful. The chill in my bones was grating on every fiber of my being. I couldn’t sit still. And, I didn’t have more than a quarter in my pocket. But, I surely wasn’t going to find a place to camp and wait for someone to come to the rescue. I guess you could say I was chasing it that day, but I ended up walking 5 miles (in the cold rain) til I got to where I was going, which did have a fix at the end of the rainbow. But, it was given to me. I didn’t spend any money on it (obviously, if I didn’t have any.) My buddy felt sorry for me, I believe. If any of you have ever gone through any kind of opiate withdrawal, you know how hard that walk must’ve been. But, to me, at least, it wasn’t waiting for something to happen. I had a goal in mind, and I kept going til I got there. Truthfully, I wasn’t going to stop til I got there, because there was a warm shelter there. The shit was just a bonus!

But, that’s not the real problem anyway. My mom even knows that. She asks, “Well, what if it just drops in your lap?”

“C’mon, Mom, how often does that happen?” I had to try some deflection, and just hope she doesn’t know that it happens all the time to me. It didn’t work. She kept pressing. ”What do you want me to say? If I’m in a place where it shows up and it’s going to be there for a while, what should I do? Should I leave the place I’m at, til it leaves? Or should I watch everyone else do it and just sit there, sipping water? Or should I enjoy the moment, reminiscing about days of yore, knowing that I won’t go chase it tomorrow? I don’t think the correct answer lies in any of those questions.” I truly don’t have a hankering for anything I’ve done before. Cancel that! I still want a joint, but that’s not a drug to me. Fuck, on the left coast, it’s pretty much legal. And, it’s the only real cure for the anxiety I constantly feel. I used to joke that it slows me down to the speed of the rest of the world (which it does, but some people get offended at that explanation.) Actually, most drugs make me relax, which I imagine, is why everyone likes getting high with me. I’m not the guy who’s crawling around on the floor, or the one peeking out the eyehole, or the one thinking that aliens are waiting to harvest my organs and probe my anus. I’m just like I am normally, except a little cooler, and a little more patient. I wait my turn, am extremely gracious, totally unexpectant, and far from greedy. Just please tell me when I’m on my last hit, so I can mentally prepare for it. If it catches me off-guard, that does suck!

The real problem is: Do I or Don’t I? Currently, I am stuffed away from the rest of the world, with no hope of running into these temptations, but I am also bored out of my fucking mind. I needed to clear up, for sure. But, I’ve got to join the rest of the world (that is under 70 years old) at some point soon. And, I can’t envision not doing anything. Like I said, none of the drugs give me a desired effect, but neither does the thought of doing nothing.

There was one thing that was an adequate replacement. During this last year of saying “Fuck you” to the establishment, I did spend some time being a manny? (male nanny) to my two nephews and niece. And, when I was their sole watchdog, I refrained from doing drugs. The fact I was a “speed freak” when they weren’t around didn’t help, as I was very tired when they were, but I loved the time I spent with them and I really didn’t even think of drugs. Some of my most rewarding moments were spent watching “Kung Fu Panda” and “Toy Story 3.” But, that would entail me finding a good mother for my children, which I’ve never been able to find, when looking. And, I do fear, that if I found that woman, she would run and hide from the likes of me. Not to mention, I’ve always felt strongly about not bringing a child into this world until I, and the world, was acceptable to rear that child. I’ve just never seen myself as a father. After all, I’m no role model!

I just don’t know. Somehow, I have worked my way back into the employed population without fitting into that cookie-cutter. I have two jobs, and one on the way, where they all let me live wherever, work from home, and report to a peer, rather than an authority figure. But, how am I going to work my way back into society where I call all my shots, when I don’t even know which way I’m leaning? My whole mantra revolves around balance, and I am simply not a quitter, so where does that leave me in the most prevalent question of all?

I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned!

Sin City! (My kind of town)

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs on January 8, 2012 by unklehookd

While I figure out what to rant on today, I will start off with a famous sports quote, “That’s why they play the game.” My picks stunk, except as I am always trying to create a positive spin these days and I am a master of reading between the lines, I must point out that outside of the top seeds, I only have New Orleans moving to the Championship Round, so this week didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. But, still, it was a crushing blow to my gambler’s ego. Good thing I still don’t live in Vegas. Betting there was just another part of the daily schedule. Every Sunday, in Vegas, consisted of waking up at 8AM, running to the casino to place the days’ bets, and on the phone by 10, to sit there all day, selling mags (at $1500/deal) and watching football all day, hoping to cash in both ways.

Man, I loved Vegas (and hated it!) There was the main three, which I was one of, three of our homeboys, and then there would always be 2-3 other phone people, along with 2 secretaries, and, of course, Papa Evil. We ran roughshod over that town. When we moved from Kansas, we moved straight into a 3500 sq. ft. house with a pool table just upstairs and a jacuzzi on the back patio. Papa had an indoor pool at his crib. Sidenote: If you ever watch Mars Attacks, the White House was his house, from the outside. Anyway, we were obviously making money. At that time, we were selling 75 orders/day, at a $1200 avg. package. That’s $90K gross a DAY! I, personally, was on top of my game. I was capping over 200 orders a week myself and I had a 57% verification rate. That was nearly $140,000 in magazine sales NET. We were rolling so well, we hired one of our secretaries to also be our maid & cook for $400/week. Yes, we were very stupid! After work, Papa & I would run to the casinos to play blackjack. A lot of times, it was all of us. And when I say all of us, I mean the Vegas 7, three girls we brought with us from Kansas, one from Colorado, and a couple of the guys met girls there. We were a regular entourage, but even if we all didn’t go, Dale & I had business to conduct. He taught me the basic rules of blackjack, and he would bankroll me every night. He would give me $200, and I would go off and play. At the end of the night, I’d give him back his $200, and we would split was left, down the middle. If I lost, I lost. But, with this system of using someone else’s money, and the fact we lived there, so I could always go back to work the next day, I would win 4 nights out of 6 every week. Things were awesome!

When the girl staying in my room went running back to Kansas, I set my sights on an old friend (from Kansas also). See, I don’t like starting new relationships, if you don’t remember from my childhood tales, especially now that I’m bouncing from place to place. But, Kansas, is the home of a few loves, and that’s what I do. I’ll go try to pick up the pieces first, before I get out there and find someone else. I’m still friendly with all the girls I loved before. It’s the ones I fuck that I lose track of, if I knew them to begin with. I was originally upset when I heard Marky Mark, or one of his friends, use my motto in a movie once, but he’s grown into a respectable actor, so I’ve learned to appreciate it, but “I don’t pay hookers to fuck me, I pay them to get the fuck away from me when I’m done.” It might’ve been worded slightly different in the film, but you get the idea. Anyway, I’m getting off-track. I call up Kansas II, and convince her to spend her 21st birthday in Vegas. Around that time, I find out my cousin is also coming to Vegas that weekend. To make a long story short, that weekend (Fri-Sun), I worked at day, went straight out to the casinos right after, spent the entire night Friday & Saturday gambling and drinking with my cousin, the girl, her mother, her aunt, and her cousin and on Monday, I saw them all off, kissing the girl on the cheek and patting her aunt on the ass (she felt me up in the middle of the night), went to work with $3000 I had just won in Blackjack, bought a car at lunch, and ended that day with another 25 orders capped. By the time I got home Monday night, I hadn’t slept in over 80 hours, but I’d say it was worth every wink! ;p

But, there was also the other night, where me and my buddy went into our third partner’s room while he slept, took our company checkbook, and drained everything out of that account, after breaking our own pockets, and ended up at Sam’s Town, sitting on a bench in the foyer at daybreak, with not a penny, splitting a beer, and not having enough gas to drive the two miles to work. Calling Dale to come bail us out was far from funny, especially when he burst into laughter when we told him our plight.

But, the cities I like don’t ever last long. After four months, of apparently not being licensed to work in the city of greed, we walked in to the FBI, FCC, FTC, ATF, and Vegas’ finest splitting us up at the door to keep us apart. Another fucked-up sidebar:

The cop takes me to my desk, and says, “We wanna ask you a couple questions.”

“Am I under arrest?”

“Not yet.”

“Good, then NO, I don’t want to answer any questions.”

“OK, then you’re under arrest!”

Scumbag.

Then, they proceed to wait for the cameras to get there, and march us out single-file for the press and take us around the corner, lining us up against the wall as if we were waiting for a firing squad. And, this is the whole office, men, women, phone people, secretaries, all of us. One of the girls was clearly agitated, and I asked a cop if he thought he could loosen up her zip-tie a little bit. So, he came and made mine tighter. Piece of shit!

And, it all boiled down to my boss not registering us and paying taxes. We were making money hand over fist, in a city that’s built on money and all they wanted was their cut. Then again, the city is in the middle of the desert, where they pump in oxygen to keep you awake, there’s tons of meth (for the same reason), not to mention the bells, and whistles, and bright lights. You’re bound to stay up until you do lose everything you have, if you have an addictive personality, such as I do. So, maybe, it was a blessing in disguise that we were kicked out before we got too comfortable.

Overall, though, much like my black jack play, and my football betting too, that year, I’d say my good outweighed my bad by about 2:1. Viva Las Vegas!

Back & Better Than…sometime

Posted in drugs, life on January 5, 2012 by unklehookd

Time to post again! Hooray! In my new-found sense of clarity, I’m trying to adjust and become an all-around different person. After all, the only thing constant is change. You either change, and adapt, or you get left behind. Adaptation is something that I have become a pro at. Whether or not I feel like I fit in, I can blend into any situation, with any group of people, in any setting, much like a chameleon. You can’t move around as much as I have without learning how to get along with a variety of different personalities.

My new mission is one of service. I have often placed myself in a position of being there for people, one-on-one. Ask anyone that knows me, and in our individual relationship, I am one of the best people they can have in their corner. I don’t judge (How can I?), I listen well (I prefer it to talking) and I try to give them a way of looking at their situation in a manner which will be productive for them. I am many people’s chief supporter, whether they want to be a model, a salesman, a parent, or just themselves til they figure out what they want. Lord knows, I don’t know exactly what I want yet!

Sometimes, this retards my progress. Where’s Mikey time? I must apologize to those who do read this, as I haven’t posted in a couple days time. Not making excuses, but I really didn’t have time to sit down and figure out what was on my mind. I offered to do one friend a favor, that should have taken 30 minutes, and it took a day and a half. Meanwhile, I am also trying my best to assist my Dad with a number of different things. Problem one, he doesn’t remember what I tell him from one hour to the next. (This is actually a good thing, because if I thought I was a patient person before this, I am going to be a saint by the time these tutorials end) Two, sometimes he flips out and says that I’m purposefully giving him the wrong information (to mess him up, I guess.) I haven’t figured out yet why he would think I would tell him something that would not benefit him, let alone try to derail his progress. But, then again, my Mom said the other day that she wanted to make sure I had good motives with something business-wise I was doing, because she didn’t want to be a party to me ripping someone off. Thanks, Mom! I admit I’m not perfect, and I haven’t always had my customer’s best interest at heart, but who would think that I would use my Mom as my accomplice? As that lawyer said that day in court, “So, Mr. Feldman, what you’re telling us is that you are, admittedly, a liar and a criminal?” Well, FUCK, I guess so, if my own parents still think so.

Just kidding, not to worry. I’m not the same rebellious kid that shrinks off in the corner, and rubs my hands together (evil genius-style), thinking “Well, if that’s what everyone thinks, and that’s what everyone wants, then I’ll show them how bad it can be!”

Really, it just reminds me that there is a balance. I do have to do for me! I do have to do for others! There is a happy medium where both can be accomplished! Easy hourly mantra: “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference” Same shit, at it basest level!

It’s just so hard to think, when your brain is always in a swirl, your hearing is such that you hear every gopher taking a crap two houses down, and Al Sharpton is on my Dad’s TV, at a decibel level to rival the Rose Bowl, yelling, “What are we to believe, Willard? (What Big Al calls Mitt Romney) You say one thing one minute, and next week, you’ve totally hopped the fence to the other side? God bless us, merry gentleman!“

Anyway, I’m back to blogging daily. I’m obviously back to my normal obnoxious, opinionated self. And, hopefully, I’m back to amusing those who have shown me so much support since I started this little adventure as an outlet, one not so dangerous as the other outlets I’ve stuck my fingers in, over the years. You know, I could even see this blogging thing becoming a more full-time thing. I’d rather go back to Seattle and jump off the I-99 bridge than go work for someone in an office. At least on the bridge, I would get my just credit. But, sitting here, spitting out what I live and what I learn can only be better and better for me as I get better at it. And, of course, the better I get at anything, the better I provide for those paying attention. Win, win!

So, back to the book promos as I have taken some time away from that, too. But, for those paying attention, the press release just went out today so now the fine citizens of NYC and LA, be warned. Mike Feldman is about to invade your lives, too! Here I come! Annie, get your gun! Yee-haw!

GOD within YOU

Posted in life, tribute with tags kingdom of god, triumphant spirit on January 3, 2012 by unklehookd

Where do I start? New year, new possibilities! Darkness abound, light conquering!

So far, this year has brought forth death, debt, and destruction. Yeah for you! Guess what? I still win!

Without going too much into detail, do you know who I am? Do you know what you are up against? I’ve come across the most negative, self-serving, evil individuals, and spirits, you could imagine. I’ve fallen prey to the greed, the arrogance, the selfishness, the ignorance. Yet, I am still here and I still stand strong. My father lies next to me, sleeping peacefully, as we silently jam out to Pink Floyd. Those who I have hurt, I know you know that, even if you can’t forgive me, I do love you! I have not been the best man, but I am a triumphant spirit!

“The kingdom of God is inside YOU, and all around YOU”

“Peace comes from within. Not without.”

“Know ye not, that ye are gods”

I am not perfect, but I strive to be! I am not good, but I hope to be! I am not loved, but I will be!

You are not forgotten! You are not forsaken! You will not perish, unless you want to!

I am not an evangelist! I am not anyone’s savior! If anything, I lead people to their death! I am a free bird, showing you how far you can fly! You can go to the ends of the earth, whichever way you choose to go. You can be as good as you ever imagined! You can be as bad you ever imagined! The choice is up to YOU!

I know that, even for me, this sounds crazy, but it is what it is. You decipher it however you deem necessary! Our love knows no bounds! Your hate always leads to one finite point! I wish I could tell this tale in a way acceptable to all, but unfortunately, this is a road less travelled! You take the good, throw out the bad, and do with it as you will. God bless you, one and all! That is what is necessary for our existence!

I’m actually glad that most of you have already written me off as a criminal, a junkie, or as the literrati call it, “INSANE.” Otherwise, this message goes unheard. You don’t have to believe I know what I’m talking about; I don’t know what I am talking about. I type as I’m told to type! I know this sounds like the incessant ramblings of a madman! I am, for Christ sake! But, if you can read between the lines, someone is speaking through me! Whether or not you listen, that’s totally up to you!

I can’t possibly make you understand what you are being presented here. I only wish that I come up and feel the light within me, so that I may shine it upon the world. I hope to repress the darkness inside, so that you may never feel it. And, I hope for you, the same.

Do not comment on this particular post! It will serve no purpose! Take it in, Let it out, and Be YOU! You are good enough to give to the world and I am nothing but a scourge to those who use me as a pariah! I have a sickness! One of love, of hope, of encouragement, of support, of positivity! This is not welcomed on our earthly plane; we welcome negativity, hatred, despair, and disparaging remarks, because that is what we have been taught to welcome.

All you need to remember is that YOU can do it, whatever it is! YOU are good enough! YOU do make all the difference! YOU are the key-Open the lock!

I will be sitting here, in the corner of my padded cell, wondering, wishing, hoping that WE will be ONE before YOU realize WE have been apart! 108!

Gratitude + Belief = Fulfillment

Posted in life with tags inspiration on January 1, 2012 by unklehookd

As he we head into the New Year, Stardate 2012, you must ask yourself one question! First, look into the mirror. Don’t just glaze over your image. Don’t look over your shoulder, realizing your image is before you. Seriously, look into your eyes. Not just a fleeting glance. Look deep into your eyes, the windows to your soul. Got it? Are you really staring yourself in the face? Ready to be honest? The glass in front of you is 50% full, 50% empty. How would YOU define the age old question?

I think I used to be a half-empty guy, but then again, I don’t know. I’ve dealt with the most egotistical people you could ever think to meet, so when you tell them that something can’t be done, you’re deemed a negative person. To some degree they are right, because I did get whatever they wanted done, but it was also not without fracturing the occasional law, or two. I just had the ability to do those things, while limiting the collateral damage to almost unnoticable, but it doesn’t change the fact that if you do play the game within the boundaries, it would’ve been impossible. Plus, guys like that will paint you as not only the guy who doesn’t believe in the power of positive thinking, but will also blame you for everything that goes wrong with their plan, thus further pummeling your self-esteem til you don’t believe in anything, including yourself.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been a half-full guy. How else could I get through the arrests, death threats, close calls, ODs, and abandonments, both by me and to me, and come out of it all relatively unscathed, and smiling? This is more than my “laugh so I don’t cry” philosophy. I truly believe I will always be alright, I’m not that bad to begin with, and I will get what I deserve! Just like you! I believe that applies to anybody, and everybody, whether or not you believe it. Positive ions beget positive reactions, as negative begets negative. My cranky old father asked me today if I take for granted my intelligence. When I said “No,” he asked why, oh why, then, am I not as well-off as I should be? This is where the real problem started. I asked him what his definition of well-off was, knowing damn well he was only talking about monetarily. He (my Dad) is very comfortable, not having to worry about anything else in his life, and he is one of the most miserable people I know. Unfortunately, even with that being the case, he doesn’t understand that I am not seeking to be in that position, in the slightest.

Don’t get me wrong! Money’s great and it’s provided for a great deal of my creature comforts, but I don’t really miss it. I barely exist, on paper, as I have not had a job the entire year of 2011, I never claimed unemployment, and I didn’t borrow more than $500 total, yet I’m still here, I didn’t shrink away to nothing (I actually weigh as much as I ever have), and I did quite a bit of drugs, without having to sell out, sell my body, or steal for it. I did steal $50 from one of my best friends, and lost him because of it, but that was for food. And, for that, I am sorry beyond belief.

My whole thing is, I have learned from all of my trials and tribulations that I don’t want for anything. I have more love given to me than any man has a right to have, but I have it, and I am grateful to all who are there providing it for me. I’m grateful that I was resourceful enough to find food and shelter when I seemingly had nowhere to go. I’m even grateful for all those people that provided free drugs so I wasn’t bored out of mind when I was uninspired to do anything else. In other words, I am thankful for everything I have, or had, that helped me get to where I am right now, which is OK. Happy, Beloved, Alive, and Able to express my gratitude to all those living here with me, in body or in spirit.

If I am able to gain anything else, monetarily, materialistically, or find my better half, I will get when I deserve to, keep it when I am ready to handle it, and cherish that because I have it then. Until then, it is not NEEDED, to make me a complete, and happy person.

I LOVE ME! I LOVE YOU! And, just to prove the power of positive vibrations does exist, I will gain 15 pounds this year (which would be an all-time high), I will finish a 5K race in less than an hour this year (I am a smoker and a junkie, keep in mind), and I will help Michael Janflone sell 32000 copies of Long Sleeved Summers this year (and I have no idea what I’m doing as far as book promotions). Just because! I’m not really a New Year’s Resolution type of guy, but I’m going to do it just to show that WE determine what is, and what isn’t possible, and it is only up to US! And, because I know it, I will do all of the above, barely breaking a sweat in the process. And, I wish all of you the best in achieving whatever it is you would like to achieve this year! Actually, not that I am officially out of hiding, and interacting with the real world, keep me posted on your progress. You know I’ll be keeping you posted!

End of the Beginning of the End

Posted in life with tags 2012, thoughts on December 31, 2011 by unklehookd

Unless the demons start screaming at me sometime in the next 7 hours, this will be my last blog of 2011. So out with the bad, in with the new, just like the breathing exercises I need to employ when quelling my panic attacks, which I’ve gotten extremely good at over the last 20 years or so. So, off to the races…..

First of all, HA HA, Fate, I made it! Fuck you! Haven’t you realized that I’m not that easy to kill? This same thought has hit me many times before, on this date of year’s past, but I have been waiting for this particular year for a long time.

First, I’ll go backwards, with an attempt to explain why I need to put this year behind me. Two hours into 2011, my most recent fairy tale came crumbling down. Over the last four months of 2010, I was on top of the world, literally. I was living in an apartment on the 24th floor of a 27-story building in Downtown Seattle with the Space Needle right outside my window. And, it was all mine, except for the occasional girl bunking with me, escaping her abusive boyfriend, staying away from the normal Seattle elements that time of year, and of course, bringing me free drugs so that I could stay awake to continue my work. See, from September thru New Years, I almost single-handedly brought in about $250,000. The banks, the merchant account company, all of our friends and associates, not to mention all the drug dealers and meth girls were loving them some Mikey at the end of last year. My bosses lived up in the penthouse on the 27th floor and we were well into a New Year’s party, when something told me to check the bank account. At 2AM, chargebacks (also known as cancels) came rolling in. I guess they were clearing their books. Because only one person was helping me in the bringing in of the money, but hundreds were assisting in spending it, that destroyed us. And, everyone wondered what happened when it came crashing down. I do know of at least three people that escaped from the rubble, ended up in rehab, and are still clean to this day. So, all’s well that ends well, for them, at least.

My road didn’t go quite as smoothly. After we first got evicted from the tower in the sky, I ended up in a three-bedroom duplex with the roommates floating through, as if by revolving door. Tried selling stuff over Ebay, tried selling drugs, Borrowed money from family. None of it really worked out, and after my 20-hour days went for naught, realizing it could all crash in the span of three hours, I gave a quick finger to anyone even asking me if wanted to work. All that money’s gone that I brought in???? Go fuck yourself. I’ll be homeless, if you need a sign of my commitment to this cause. The landlord of the duplex really only liked me by the end of our five month stay there, because I always told him the truth. If I can’t promise you a date I can get you the rent, then I won’t even try to disguise that fact. I don’t know when to tell you, but when I have it, you will, too. Meanwhile, I am extending my meth addiction, borne from those 20-hour days in the tower. I am now also giving birth to a heroin addiction. There was one night we got the whole block sick, with the fumes from hydrochloric acid, and ether, wafting through our half of the house. (Don’t ask!) I also woke up with a loaded gun pointed at my head, because I was not adequately protecting the house, and my friends, from undesirables. Who are the “undesirables,” since none of them have ever pulled a gun on me? So, when the landlord finally said, “Get out” I didn’t give me any argument. At least, until everyone I knew left me there to deal with the six big, black guys that came bursting through the door, grabbing the furniture that was left and throwing it in the dump truck out front. That was the last straw! I huddled my shit in the corner, and physically stood in front of it, and said “I’ll take my shit out to the curb myself!” My landlord, impressed that I stayed til the very end, even though everyone abandoned me, let me “squat” there over the weekend, where I cleaned up the parts of the house that I could. There were like 10 new holes in the walls that I didn’t do anything about, but I did my best, otherwise and I have to believe, we parted on as good of terms as possible.

One of my last nights there, I had the company of this little 21-yr old girl. I was actually there about a week by myself, and every night, like clockwork, around 2 or 3 AM, she’d show up and hang out with me the rest of the night. The last night I saw her, I had probably been up for about 3 or 4 straight nights, so after she fucked me to sleep, she stole my buddy’s BMW 7-series right from under me. I could not believe how stupid, or lonely, I was. I was as easy of a mark as you can be.

After that, she went to jail and I hit the streets. I, being as stubborn as I am, still refused to go get a job and, as I mentioned, summer in Seattle is beautiful. So, I was now homeless, too. I had three people’s places that I could crash at every once in a while, and if I was out, I’d just walk the streets at night to avoid being ass-raped in some alley. Really, it wasn’t that bad and I was never in real danger. Money and food appeared when I needed it, including one of the best meals I had being served under a highway off-ramp by a group of restaurant owners who felt sorry for the disenfrachised. It really was a great meal, including soup, salad, dessert. I was amazed.

And the rest of the story, you may have already caught on earlier posts, so now, on to why 2012 is so eagerly anticipated by me, anyway. As you guys know, I’m into all that magical, mystical shit, believing we all have powers we just don’t know how to fully tap into. With that being said, something’s gonna change this upcoming year, I believe that. Not necessarily mass destruction, but a global change of some sorts. Many know of the Mayan prophecies because there’s so much press on their calendar ending on December 21st. The fact that the Earth, Sun, and Center of the Milky Way will all be in complete alignment on that day, has to mean something. (That makes me wonder about the tides) That only happens every 25,630 years, so I wasn’t around to find out what happened last time. Throw in the fact the I-Ching, and Cherokee lore, mentions the same end date, and maybe it’s more than coincidence. The Egyptian calendar also ends in 2012. The Aztecs, the Hopi, the Pueblo Nation, Hindus, Zulus, Maori tribesman, The Incans (Peru is back on!), and Tibet (home of the fuckin’ Dalai Lama, bitches!) all say the year 2012 is going to be something special. Of course, this is just another thing to take the focus off myself, I’m sure some of you are saying

Really, no matter what happens, we all need something to believe in and that’s truly what New Year’s is all about. It’s one of those landmarks throughout the year where everything you’ve ever done washes away and you get a do-over. A chance at a new start, a chance to try new things, a chance to be better than you were before. So, GOOD LUCK, my friends and like my friend, Bob Gannon, once told me, Cheer up, things could be worse! So, I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse! Love you all and see you in the Golden Age!

Brain Salad Surgery

Posted in life, memoirs, Uncategorized with tags brain disorders on December 28, 2011 by unklehookd

Started early tonight. I don’t know if I’m gonna spit out one story, or go into a litany of different adventures. One of my many brain disorders besides the anxiety, depression, bipolarity, addiction and avoidant personality disorder, is that I always have a million things swirling around my brain at the same time. I used to say I had ADD or ADHD, but it’s not just that I have a short attention span. I don’t jump from topic to topic. They’re all in there together, getting in each other’s way, jumping up to say “Hey,” sometimes even merging together incestuously until I just look like a jumbled-up, crazy mess. That’s what you see from time to time.

Aha! I believe I just found my topic du jour. I’ve been chopping up my heart and soul over the last week, so today, boys and girls, we’re going to dissect the brain of a madman-Michael J Feldman, or is it Gillen, or Feldenkris? (No wonder I have issues, if I don’t know who I am really)

When I was about 5, I started getting stomach-aches pretty regularly, so I was sent to my first psychiatrist. I don’t blame my mom. Who knows what to do? But, who goes to a psychiatrist age 5? ME. Aren’t you paying attention? I did like that particular doctor so I started baking cookies, calling them “Mike’s Delights” and selling them to him for $5/bag. Hey, he was charging my mom like $75-90/hr. But, I did learn an important lesson. Doctorate or not, everyone is susceptible to getting distracted, if approached the right way.

As previously mentioned, I don’t stick with anyone, or anything, very long. So, I bounced from doctor to doctor, all of them looking for the reason I was who I was, while I was looking for the reason this person couldn’t help me. After all, I haven’t even admitted anything was wrong with me yet. I can’t get to sleep because I’m anxious. I can’t wake up because I’m depressed. And, I’m mixed up because I’m always flip-flopping from one side of the spectrum to the other. Blah, blah, blah…..

[As a funny sidenote, I did find an accurate diagnosis of myself a few years ago. That's how I know I have an "avoidant personality disorder." It totally explains my apprehension towards joining social circles, because deep down I have a fear of rejection and criticism. There's a bunch of other things, too, but I won't bore you with my amateur psychoanalysis. The funny thing is that the way you treat someone with this disorder is through therapy, both individual and group, but people with this disorder won't go to therapy because their whole thing is about avoidance. HA! Isn't it ironic, don't ya' think?]

So, I start bouncing from shrink to shrink, because honestly, I don’t like most of them and I don’t have faith in their abilities since I can see right through half of their tactics, even at ages 7, 10, 12, and 16 and so on and so on.

There was this one guy who was my all-time favorite. We’ll call him Dr. Quack. I was taken to him after an all-night party (that no one knew I was at) where I ingested a half and half mixture of Sprite & Vodka out of a “Big Gulp” cup. Somehow, I was still standing and relatively cool, so no one knew any better. This guy was an actual psychiatrist, as opposed to a psychologist, so he drew some blood to detect what kinds of meds they could get me hooked on. Or at least he tried to. When he pulled the plunger back, the liquid filling up the chamber was all this clear, but milky, yellowish type liquid. I don’t know what plasma looks like, but that’s what came to mind. A plasma/vodka blend that clearly monopolized the pathway my blood was supposed to flow through. He exclaimed, “It can’t be. It is not possible.” in a thick Trinidadian accent I won’t forget soon. So, he took another vial, which did have a pinkish hue by the end of it. Then, came his expert analysis. ”You clearly (excuse the pun) have a chemical imbalance.” Yeah, I’m floating in Vodka, dipshit! He prescribes me some medicine, which I can’t remember, since I flushed every pill down the drain, one day at a time. Whatever it was, I wasn’t allowed to mix it with drugs and alcohol, so I wasn’t gonna take that shit. The best part is still yet to come. I went back a month later, without the party the night before, where the blood drawn actually looked like blood, and he said happily, “You see, it is working. We are on the right track!” He looked puzzled when I started laughing.

“You fucking quack, I haven’t been taking those pills at all. I knew you were full of shit.”

This guy, this “medical professional,” then caught me by surprise. He fucking exploded. ”YOU…..ARE A MENACE…TO SOCIETY!!! GET OUT OF HERE!” My pleasure, asshole!

All in all, by the time I was done, I had gone to a dozen different psychologists, psychiatrists and priests to cure my ills. Well, I’m still fucked up and two doctors and one priest quit their professions, which I’m sure they spent a lot of time and effort on, after meeting me. I used to take pride in that fact. After all, I had won, at the time. In retrospect, I’m not sure anyone won that battle.

In the end, I am what I am and that’s all there is to it. For better or worse, I’m the one that has to live with myself 24 hours a day, so the only one that can help whatever adjustments need tweaking in my brain, is me. And people wonder why I look to the stars and numbers and spiritual stuff for help. The answer could be anywhere!

With that, my horoscope said just today, “Everyone, in their own special way, is weird — and that certainly includes you! It’s high time for you to admit to it. Trying to fit in with whatever you think is ‘normal’ will only be a pointless waste of time. What you really need to do is embrace your idiosyncrasies. Don’t shy away from feeling odd or out of place. Because not being like everyone else is what makes you unique. No one else has the irresistible combination of sense and nonsense that you have. Celebrate it!”

AMEN and Halleluah!

What to believe in?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags astrology, numerology, spirituality on December 26, 2011 by unklehookd

Let me preface everything with the fact I am bipolar, or at least I have tendencies towards extremism. How can I not have conflict when I’m probably one of the only Jews to go to Catholic school? I’m damn lucky I live up to my advanced billing. Everything about me, cosmically and spiritually speaking, strives to find an equilibrium, a balance. My name is Michael, like the archangel that weighs people’s souls, you know with the scales, like the symbol for Libras, astrologically speaking, which I also am. My Chinese sign is the Rat, another peacemaker who wants nothing more than to moderate all situations to keep things as peaceful and smooth as possible. My Native American sign is the Raven, a “messenger from the cosmos” that assists people with interpreting their hidden thoughts to help them heal, which is funny considering my numerical quotient is that of a spiritual counselor, perhaps because by seeing both sides of the coin, I can supposedly help you find your middle ground. So, really to answer my first question, everything about me all points to the same end. No matter what I believe in, I’m looking for nothing more than to help people, including myself, find some sort of a balance between their yin and yang in order to create order from chaos.

This should be comforting, however I am so mixed up at times, I feel like I’m waging a never-ending battle between good and evil in my heart and soul.

Am I the guy who nearly killed someone that fateful night as a teenager or am I the guy that saved someone’s life that night?

Am I the self-absorbed asshole that doesn’t let anyone get close to me or am I the “best friend that a person could possibly have?” (Not my quote, but I’ve heard that before from quite a few different individuals)

Have I been a worthless piece of shit or have I just been waiting for something to truly fight for?

I can say that with all that I’ve done, all I’ve been involved in and all that I question myself about constantly, I do believe in me. I believe the answer is out there and I believe I will find it. I will never stop looking and I will never stop questioning. I know I’m meant to be something or somebody of substance and I will continue to follow my path to achieving that, no matter how far off the path I seem to be, at times. After all, what is the point of going through this silly, earthly existence if you don’t believe that one day you will manifest your destiny?

I believe in ME, and maybe someday, I can do something to make everyone else believe in me as well.

Can’t Sleep

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs with tags travels on December 25, 2011 by unklehookd

I guess it’s official. I have a new addiction: blogging. Who knew diarrhea of the keyboard could be so freeing and intoxicating? Perfect cure for insomnia. I can sit here, without bothering anybody, without getting in trouble, and just spew out my thoughts without pride or prejudice, bopping to drum n bass at 4 in the morning. I’m free to admit I’m lonely and I can dissect my thoughts, maybe to come up with a reason, and therefore a cure. Maybe not, too, but one can always hope. I think I know the reason. I was reflecting back on my sordid life and at age 10, I started destroying all constants in my life. In 5th grade, I was going to a Catholic school, being raised by a single mother. Up until then, it was me and her fighting life alone. As an aside, let me tell you my mother is one of my heroes. While she was raising me, she also worked a full-time job AND went to school at night. The proudest day of my life was when she got HER Master’s Degree. But, this left me alone quite a bit. I was about 7 or 8 when I first became a latch-key kid. Then, at 10, we decided I should go to a different school. I was a pretty intelligent kid, (Yeah, yeah, I know, another tragic tale of wasted youth), so we tried out a new kind of school, a Montessori school. Progressive place, with classes on the floor, and our own little “environments” we created, complete with sofas and video games. Upon entering the school, they decided I was far enough ahead of the curve to have me skip 6th grade altogether. Since the place didn’t have regular class structures, I was put in with 7th & 8th graders. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m short and baby-faced, or I was then, so I didn’t fit in, but everybody loved me. I was like the mascot, I guess. Anyway, the school year ended, and the school delivered a big announcement. I wasn’t mature enough to stay with my new friends so I would have to repeat 7th grade with the class of 6th graders coming up that the school deemed me superior to the year before. Where did the love go? So, in not so many words, I told them to go fuck themselves and switched schools again, this time to a regular public school. I liked this place, normal kids from my neighborhood and classes I breezed through since I had already taken them last year. That summer, my Mom married my Dad and we moved from Rockville, MD to Silver Spring, about a half hour away. With that, came a whole new school. Now that my dad was actually playing the role of Dad, he thought I should go to a school befitting my intelligence, so I got sent to a Magnet school. For those of you who have never heard of that term, it’s where they ship smart kids into ghetto-type schools to gentrify them. For instance, the year before I went there, there were a couple chain & knife fights. Going to my fourth school system in four years and having to say goodbye to the friends I had just made AGAIN, I started rebelling. The school accented math, science, and computers. I came dangerously close to failing all three and decided to focus on shooting hoops. After all, where else to you learn how to play if not an urban blacktop. I once played against Mugsy Bogues. We were almost the same height. That was great. However, my academic standing wasn’t worth the trip to a different city, so off to the public high school by my house. Five school systems in five years, between the ages of 10-14, while my mom was marrying my real dad. I’m not making excuses, but this really isn’t the recipe for making long-lasting relationships. Thank God I got to settle down at Springbrook for a full four years, where I was able to make friendships that still endure to this day. This particular blog turned into a chapter, so in my next entry I will continue my hopscotch around the world showing that art imitates life imitating art or some shit showing old habits become hard to break. Be back in a minute!

Momentary Interlude

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs with tags weakness on December 24, 2011 by unklehookd

I’ve moved away from every binge I’ve been on because I’m not inclined to chase anything. I’m living in a retirement community with a bunch of 70 & 80 year olds. I’m helping me buddy peddle a book on recovery. We have plans of setting up speaking engagements and starting up halfway house ranches. I’m on a recovery bulletin board service. And all I can think about is the next time I can get high. I’ve already done just about every hard drug there is and I’m tired of all of them. They aren’t fun anymore. Truthfully, it’s more of a chore to do them than to not. I’ve shaken, sweated, and lost sleep kicking them. I don’t know what the appeal is anymore. I don’t like where I end up when I’m doing them. The girls sucking my dick for a hit don’t even excite me. And I love blow jobs! And yet, the all-consuming thought is when can I snort my next line or smoke my next puff. It doesn’t matter what it is. Give me meth, coke, crack, heroin……..whatever. Right now, all I wanna do is smoke a joint. But, whatever. Put it in front of me and I’ll do it. I’m not into going to rehab; Fuck 12-step programs! I know I’m lost, I don’t care. I don’t know what to do. I have friends doing stuff they would never do sober: threatening to jump out of hi-rises, allegedly molesting children, dying, for Christ sake. I, myself, have died a couple times, or so I’ve heard. I want to be the guy that all my little nephews and nieces can look up to and be proud of. I am scared I never will be who I should be. I am scared I already am who I am. There is no one else that can help me. I might never stop wanting to be different. I may always be lonely and afraid. I may never be this honest again. If ever there was time for the hand of God to touch my soul, it is now. I know that I am supposed to be someone that affects people. Like a fallen angel, my power to inspire chaos is just as significant as my power to inspire love. I’m babbling, but I feel like an infant, so I guess that’s fitting. I want to be good. What will I do?

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Unsure where we’re heading……

Posted in life, memoirs with tags intro on December 20, 2011 by unklehookd

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but a friend of mine recently mentioned that, no matter what, I should tell my story. I really don’t know who would care about my story. After all, I’m not sexy! I’m not rich! I’m not famous! But, after much consideration, I decided I would give the world what it wants. In an age where there are no secrets, and everyone seems to need to know when I’m taking a bath, feeling sad, or whittling a wooden stake, I will comply. So, world, here is my blog, courtesy of Michael Joseph Gillen Feldman Feldenkris. Kiss my ass!

What Do You Do?

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute on January 22, 2013 by unklehookd

“I don’t need anyone to love me,
I do want people to like me”

How fucked up is that? Rather be acknowledged than admired…..

I AM a little boy.

I don’t know what I’ve been thinking for all these years. I’m not a man.

Not a real one.

I have survived more experiences than many will ever even go through. But where does that get me?

I have a fantastic family. Thank God!

The people I associate with are merely little kids too.

What does being a man consist of?

Dependability?
Compassion?
Responsibility?

I act in a certain way. That’s debatable.

I don’t act the part. I don’t dress the part. I AM not the guy.

Who am I really?

I’m a guy who hasn’t got a job (to speak of). I’m a guy who hasn’t got a home (to speak of). I’m a guy who has very few friends. I’m a guy who has a family, but one that doesn’t believe in him.

Future? Who really knows?

Present? Living day to day, surviving.

Past? Is there any need to recount it?

I live like a child. Depending on the good grace of others. Eating the scraps of other people’s well wishes.

I spit out my drunken pontifications, waiting for someone to empathize, someone to read my ramblings and feel what it is I’m feeling. Is that living?

When faced with adversity, I certainly put up a good front. I act like I’m a man with sense, a man with courage. Meanwhile, I’m a shivering bitch, cowering in the corner, waiting for the good I expect to just rain down upon me, because it’s supposed to be that way. Yeah, I’ve earned it. I adhere to karmic laws, and what I have brought down, I have paid for. What now shall come is what I have come to deserve, which is only good, at this point. Who the FUCK do I think I am?

What a silly man I am. I blog, and I post, and I assume……Does anyone really care? Of course they don’t, you fool! And I expect to be a guiding light for the children of the world? At least the ones that look to me as a compass of sorts. Please God, do NOT let them follow me!

I DO feel love. I DO! I know in my heart that I love my brethren and my children!

I don’t beat myself up for those who I have injured. I AM sorry, but I don’t feel I should incure further pain for that. Sorry, but that does not play into me becoming better?

Does THAT make me a bad person?

I assume everyone would have their own opinion on that, depending on whether they feel as if they are the injured, or the injurer……….

Again, I do not feel lesser than anyone, but I do feel like I want to leave a lasting impression on the world as we know it, and I would prefer it not to be bad.

What do YOU offer? Insolence? Apathy? Indifference?

I have felt so much love thrown my way. How do I repay that?

I was asked recently whether or not I would like to be a father. How could I be? I am not the best son I can be. I am not the best friend I can be. I am not the best uncle I can be. That one hurts more that any of the previous statements, doesn’t it?

I am only a son of two. I am a friend of only a few. I am an uncle of a number somewhere in the teens. That makes that my baseline, doesn’t it?

Love does not conquer all! What legacy do I leave the world?

I want to be a good man! I want to be someone worth remembering. So what are you going to do to make that so?

GOD is a DJ! LIFE is a dance floor. LOVE is the rhythm. YOU are the music!

I refuse to be negative! I WILL succeed, or die! What does that mean?

What must one do to move forward in a positive way?

My father is 93 years old…..

I am already 40 years old.

Have I given him any sense of fulfillment?

NO!

Do I need to?

Not necessarily.

What would give him some sense of satisfaction?

Not sure.

What would give YOU some sense of satisfaction?

Good Question!!!!

I am losing interest. I am NOT a bad guy. I AM confused.

When the fuck will I grow up?

Everyone I know has been married, or has children, or has done something of consequence. Except you!

1/12/13 – Gotta mean something, eh Son?!?

So, do it!

“Everything you do,
Is how you do everything you do!”

WordPress Last Will/Testament

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags 108, apocalypse, Bossy, december 21st, depression, DNA, Earth, family, felon, friends, God, grid, last will, peace, testament, uncle on December 21, 2012 by unklehookd

This may be my last posting for a while. It’s been fun, and definitely worthwhile, but all good things must come to an end.

Over the last year, I’ve figured out a lot of things about myself. I’m sure it doesn’t compare to all the stuff I still have yet to learn. But, in the grand scheme of things, how much of it really matters?

In the end, I am still a convicted felon. I have no true work history for two years now. I have no driver’s license (for over 2.5 years). The work I do is not nearly enough, and it’s not moving forward, as one would’ve expected. My “friends” are very few and very far between. And I live almost completely off the grid.

In other words, I basically take up very little space, but also provide very little to the Earth.

I am so sorry that I have not been the person that my parents knew I could’ve been. I am so sorry that I have not been any kind of real inspiration to all the children in my life, except for how not to be.

I saw a TV commercial the other day that stated, “Depression Hurts!” Well, yeah, it does. I can’t even explain it. I thought it was because I just turned 40, but it actually goes way deeper that that. Time does catch up with you. People who say they are friends really use you for water cooler fodder with others, making life very lonely at times. As usual, there is no need for me to mention names, even though those people mention my name often. I am better than that!

So, being of sound mind and body, I hereby bequeath all of my earthly possessions, which equates to nothing at this current time, but love, to the following:

To my parents, I thank you for never giving up on me and for providing me with all the love two parents could provide. I love you more than you will ever know and I offer my sincerest apologies that I did not make your lives easier, and less worrisome.

To my good friends, CT, GC, DK, DB, both BMs, and any others I may have forgotten, thank you for always being there for me, even if I wasn’t always there for you. You are my true compadres, and I will always be appreciative of the blessings you have bestowed upon me.

To the loves of my life, CN, CC, TA, KR, & all the MMs, and any others I may have forgotten, thank you for loving me, despite my faults and I’m sorry I was never the man you needed.

To all my cherubs, Mike, your beautiful wife, Lisa, as well as your three beautiful children, Jameson, Aliyah, and Alicia, Justin, Holli (and your wonderful fiance, Dan), Aaron (and your beautiful wife Kristin), Jake (and your beautiful wife, Michelle, as well as Caiden, your awesome son), Matthew, Benny, Nico, Lexi, and of course, Jamie, Bella, Declan,………I LOVE YOU ALL! You are the true fruit of the Earth! May God bless you and shine upon you in everything you do! You have made life worth living!

To all the people who have expressed love to me, and actually befriended me, thank you for accompanying me on my journey. You know who you are! And, your efforts have not gone unnoticed, regardless of whether or not I was able to mention you here. Lala, AvA, etc.

To my WordPress friends, i.e Bossy, etc. thank you for listening and commenting on my incessant ramblings. You have been instrumental in my healing. And I’m sorry I didn’t provide more of a something or other.

And, finally, to all those who perpetrated the fraud, acting like you cared, using those for what you could get, and basically being a self-serving front, screw you! You’ll get what you deserve and I really won’t have a problem watching you getting your comeuppances! Although, I do hope you learn what love is really about and that it finds you! (And if you don’t know who you are, you will most likely remember this when it happens.)

Truly, I wish all of you the best! I hold no ill will (I just enjoy watching Karma do its thing!) and I want all to succeed to their personal definition, but it is up to you to handle your lives. Do YOU! Be you! And don’t succumb to life’s little pressures.

Disclaimer: I am not suicidal! Depressed, yes. Suicidal, no. This is just the beginning of my sabbatical from blogging. Maybe I return, maybe not. Who knows? It is time to go back to what I do best. My vow of poverty has lasted twice as long as I originally envisioned. My vow of sobriety made it longer than one could have expected. Now, I know that I can handle anything for a year, or more. But, I do believe it’s about that time to return to talking people out of their money, just with a new caveat. I know that I can do that while providing them with something of value, so back to the grind and back to actually earning an income.

After all, it seems like it’s a good time to quit living across the air waves and actually living in the “real” world again, with all that entails. I am 40 now, and although I’m sure there’s a video game for it somewhere, raising a family of my own, in reality, will be easier if I prepare, using interpersonal relationships, money, and some sense of stability. Maybe a good dose of psychotherapy, too.

I’ve had enough! Whatever happens today, I welcome it! DNA upgrade, polar reversal, all out apocalypse, whatever. I feel confident that I am a good, decent human being and that I will end up on the plus side of whatever. And I wish the same for all others who care about their human family!

PEACE & LOVE TO YOU ALL! 108!!!

Enough

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute on December 20, 2012 by unklehookd

I sit in funks these days. I popped out of a trance yesterday, where the two rival football teams scored 13 points while I was gone. Life has been a blur a lot lately, too. It’s like I’m actually rarely there, as opposed to occasionally “nodding out,” so to speak.

But, I also feel like I have a cocoon around me. Sure, it’s warm, but it’s restricting, as well. It feels like it’s my time to burst through the other side. What ARE you waiting for?

“All I know is that my main job right now is making sure those that I love know that I love them while there’s time left to express it.”

Why would one root for another to fail? Even if one is successful, they are surrounded by “failures,” in their mind.

Why not root for others to succeed? Especially when both parties can benefit each other much better, as successes.

How can people miss people that they never spent time with, when in the same vicinity? Regret.

“There’s only two men I trust in this world,
One of them’s me,
The other’s not you!”

-Nic Cage, “Con-Air”

76 more to go…..Like a caged dog, begging for scraps.
It’s gonna be an apocalyptic feast!
Mouth salivating, lubing up the resolve.
Engines smooth, ready to taxi.

Interesting…..Ya’ think????No way!!!!!Yet, Sure!

Silly Mutha Fuck! I love that dude!

A chill permeates the air,
Cold is the vessel without.
Darkness spreads silently,
Scared is the unknowing soul.

The End

Oh yeah, before I forget, let me go back to #5. I was completely wrong before.

Holy Shift!

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags ascension, holy shift on December 12, 2012 by unklehookd

I really am running out of things to say. Or you just don’t care anymore (about talking)! True dat! The last one will always be before the 21st, regardless of whether, OR NOT, one follows….

It’s funny, though. Through an underground railroad type of way, I was just blessed with a little smoke. Perfect timing for whatever this 9:35 PM transition is….I don’t even know what that means. Something is happening at 9:35 PM because it’s 12/12/12, if you listen to some people (which I guess I kinda do or I wouldn’t remember….)

That raises two questions:

1. When I was sitting here watching TV, deciding if I wanted to eat or not, I was content, but morose, if that makes any sense. As soon as I smoked a bowl, my mood shot straight up. I got peppy, felt like writing, taking that next step into the future, being only 34 minutes away. Basically, getting excited.

What IS my problem? Is it depression? Is it a chemical imbalance, which is straight with MJ, but awful with alcohol, usually? Are the answers in the questions? Or the questions in the answers?

2. What’s the story? It’s the beginning of an Ascension, of which we have gone through many before, but also which we will a few more times, to propel the willing.

Or maybe it’s anxiety? Until I smoke, I am constantly thinking, plotting, planning, considering all parties, working myself up into a frenzy. I know it looks like I do nothing at all! But, there’s a lot going on up in my head these days. Trying not to mis-step; Actually taking a step.

Blah! Blah! Blah!

My roommate said he feels like he’s in an old Vietnamese opium den (like in the movies) hanging out with me. I’m gonna take that as a compliment!

Probably a pretty relaxed place…..

Everybody remembers exactly what they were doing the minute 1999 turned to 2000. I’m going to enjoy all of these dated proclamations as a moment where I’m crossing a barrier. A day, or a minute, where I capture the momentary shift, and feel it. That could only be good practice for living each moment, as its own, all the time.

Well, it’s almost 9:35 so I gotta go see if I can catch my wave…..Godspeed!

My List (Celeb Pass 5)

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags 108, Amanda Righetti, Cowboys, effort, Emmanuelle Chiriqui, emotion, Giants, ginger, Got Milk?, Hayden Panettiere, Jordan Alan, manifestation, marianne, Nashville, Nicole Scherzinger, personality, polar reversal, princess, Redskins, Sarah Shahi, Sasha Alexander, Seattle, spirit, Steve Howey, sticky, thought, Top 5 on December 7, 2012 by unklehookd

It’s funny! Now that I finally know something, everything just changed. I’m really biding time, not fighting time. Polar Reversal! Aaaahhaaaa………

“Don’t tell anyone how you’re going to do something, Tell them how you did it when it’s done!”

There are a few minor things that I want…..

1. Redskins vs. Giants tickets Monday PM
2. Ticket to Nashville 12/20 – (I love Hayden Panettiere!)
3. Real intel on the next adventure!

Here are my rules:

1. I will not bargain.
2. I will not barter.
3. I will not bar myself from getting what I want.

Good begets good, Bad begets bad. It’s all in the intention!

Dec. 1st Horoscope: Your life may feel like it’s being divided into two portions right now — for instance, fun and boredom, business and pleasure, or maybe fulfilling and unfulfilling. Try to live with this duality, and resist the urge to pick one side and stay there. There are positives on both sides that you might not be seeing right now. You have the mental agility to handle this balancing act, so use it.

You can’t always get what you want!

Dec. 4th Horoscope: Gather up the precious things in your life and hold on tight! No one is threatening you, but less than stellar conditions could arise if you’re not fully aware of the value of what you have. Friends, family and a romantic partner add so much to your life — realize that nothing can be taken for granted. Career-wise, you would be wise to prepare a back up plan or alternative goal. Don’t be shy about reminding the higher ups that you have more to offer than they are utilizing.

No go to NYG-Skins game, but that’s OK!

Sticky!!!!! Bang, Son!!!

Got ticket to Nashville! Helllllloooooooo, Hayden! I hope that wasn’t more HELL than OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You ARE a sticky! Everywhere across the world……………….. You a student of the game……. Yessir! Got Milk?!?! Sticky! I love her!

Writer’s block like a sonuvabitch these days. I just don’t have anything to say anymore. It’s time to DO!

Spirit -> Thought -> Emotion -> Effort -> Manifestation

What are YOU manifesting?

Love. Communion. Compassion. Excellence. Trustworthiness.

I just realized as much as me and my parents have increased our communication, they still don’t know me. I’m not sure if I know me. There, most certainly, is a new level of trust, and respect, however there is also a lingering doubt. Is he the new guy he proclaims to be? Or…..is the same con artist that always convinced me into believing in him?

I hate that! I am good. I do not harbor ill will. I want happiness for all. Everything would be much easier for me! I have a will to succeed!

For everyone watching!

But, I get it.

I WILL be the guy! I WILL help the world! I AM HIM NOW!

Gilligan’s Island!

A movie star and Marianne!

One can always wish…… Except my Marianne & Ginger may look a little different…..

Ginger……….

Or Marianne????

If I create through my visions, couldn’t I get both?!?

That may be too much….

For who?

You, ya’ little bitch!

Goodness, gracious!

I’d like to try…….

LMFAO!

This is turning out to be the manifestation of my “Celebrity Pass” list. You know, the five celebs you are allowed to bang, if you ever run into them, and if they actually are interested in banging you back. Well, gotta throw in, even if she is a Cowboys cheerleader….ugh

Sarah Shahi, princess

Wow! Funny Sidelight: The 5th one creates a moral dilemma.

Who would be your fifth, and final, spot? Who knocks the rest out?

And I hope YOU are watching……..YOU know who YOU are!

If ANYTHING is possible, I am going to have a GREAT time!

No offense to Steve Howey or Jordan Alan, I only covet your wives. I would NEVER try to pry them from you. You lucky dogs!

You’re killing me tonight!

I’m actually trying to force words out, to fulfill the quota. The self-imposed quota! 1000 words…..Sticky!

The 5th? Still don’t know. I met a chick in Seattle, who was real Asian, real developed, probably molded American, hot as fuck, most likely in porn……she was this hot! She could’ve been my 5th. She would’ve brought the devil outta me!

I wanna hear you scream…….

This transmission is coming to you……

You got it!

Nobody really cares where you were. Nobody cares where you’re going! No one cares where you are, unless you are right there with them. Is that sad? Or is that sensible?

I have been short of breath for over 30 minutes now.

I revel the company I’m about to receive……

Sasha Alexander? Everyone has their own personal thing…..

Sasha Alexander is absolutely beautiful, thank you!

Say you are commissioned to do a job, starting Monday morning. You have 1 week to accomplish it. Goal: Do it in 6 days, so you can rest on the 7th!

Nicole Scherzinger……mix of Asian & Latin, of which, neither should be excluded from said list! Well……….?

Well…..?

When I find myself alone, I encounter about 27 of my different personalities. If so, they could find 135 different “Top 5s”. Well, that doesn’t help satisfy the situation.

Say, there are 108? different sub-sects, that would indicate 540 separate, yet equal, fantasies, eh?

3 separate personalities. 3 separate advisors for each level. 3 more separate divergences. 4 separate alternative universes (where all else is possible!)

Why 4 separate universes?

Why not?

Just because.

Dimensions are a hard thing to explain……

How many doors are there left to unlock?

Good Question!!!!

I am a relative mess, trying to understand what I am saying.

No! I know exactly what I’m saying! These are the 5 chicks I want a free pass with, if our paths should ever cross. (After all, my girl will read every entry in my mini-diary, and still love me beyond the finish…..)

And, if you ARE my girl, you’ll even see what I see in them, and be able to neutralize, or emulate, it to completion……

I am either a genius, or I am a severely troubled individual. I read the other day, ”The SMART mutha fuckas look like CRAZY mutha fuckas to DUMB mutha fuckas!” Unfortunately, I live my life based on this one premise.

I hope I am not the ONE who is wrong!“

Amen! 108!

The Big Wind-Up

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags 11:11, apocalypse, chaos theory, december 21st, eclipse on November 28, 2012 by unklehookd

So, you know I feel we’re about to go through some sort of portal on December 21st. I just choose to believe that’s a good thing, not a cataclysm. ”Apocalypse” simply means a “lifting of the veil”. That sounds great to me!

But, I like the DNA upgrade option. I choose to use this moment, at 11:11 12/21/12, as a stepping stone, a lift-off point.

Tonight is a lunar eclipse! Well, that’s fucked up! I looked up the time for it and it was at 6:47 this morning and it’s officially ending in an hour or so, where it is sunny anyway. So much for that. Oh well, it still happened, whether or not I saw it, and since everything’s all tied together, it affects something, somewhere……Chaos Theory!

Faith
Strength
Wisdom/Judgement
Love
Power
Imagination
Understanding
Will
Order
Zeal
Elimination
Re-Generation

Three becomes Four becomes Twelve……”Eye of the Pyramid”=# 13

A pyramid has a square base, so depending on your perspective, there could be three, or four, different sides to it.

In some funny way, I’m getting my questions from yesterday answered, even though I don’t fully understand them.

Today’s Horoscope: You are projecting an aura of calm today — so what if deep down inside you are frazzled and frayed? Focus more on what people perceive you to be, not on who you really are — especially since what they are going to perceive will be so helpful to your reputation! Accept all compliments and don’t even think about making any self-deprecating jokes. As far as you’re concerned, you believe that you are as big a rock star as everyone else says you are.

Stars aligned, too….

Hey, Fonzie *sarcastic Roman Pierce voice*

I was about to make a self-deprecating statement, but I stopped myself. This could be a challenge all day long. I’m humble naturally (more so the older I get), so combined with my personality, self-deprecation is a major part of my everyday arsenal.

There’s a fine line between humility and lowered self-esteem……

Dec. 20th: Flight of Icarus
Dec. 21st: The Hand-Off
Dec. 25th: The Distasteful Joke
Jan. 1st: Rise of a New B’ak’tun
Apr. 30th: Chariot Awaits
May 24th: Blessed Union of Souls
Jun. 6th: D-Day (aka Shining Stars ReSurface)

Grab your shades! That’s all I got to say about that.

Today, Nov. 28th: Enjoy Life! Schedule’s set. Can’t do nothing about that. Take time to enjoy the little things along the way!

What if we are just a computer program that runs out of code on the Winter Solstice? Everything would just cease to exist. No memories. No nothing. What a fucking waste of time that would be!

We have had the weirdest weather here the last week. 55-60 and Sunny. 35-40 and Rainy. Exactly alternating, for 6 days in a row now. Really gives you a sense of “glorious”. Really gives you a sense of “gloomy”. And flips it before you can take it for granted, or get too wrapped up in it. Blessing in Myeyise!

132 – 10 – 40

144 – 12 – 1018

It’s a real-life “Leap of Faith”!

Jan 12th, aka 1/12/13: Father & Sun

With stuff like Facebook, one could truly just go in and pop-in puppeteer a situation. This little comment here, that little LIKE there, throwing out a little im to someone else watching everything go down, receiving a text from an interested third party. Before you know it, you are influential on six sides of an octagon. And depending on your mood, you can affect hundreds of people in the downline, with relatives, co-workers, non-FB friends (the ones in reality, that you actually hang out with) and others who touch upon someone touched by the situation. It’s really quite disconcerting the effect that anyone can have, on this thing, at any one time. Plenty of folks would be great with that power, but do you know how many people would be corrupted by it?

I don’t. (That’s why I’m asking!)

People take their digital lives pretty seriously these days…..

Sure, you can touch someone digitally. No doubt! But, there’s nothing like touching someone, in person. (And, I mean their heart, in case you actually have a way of digitally touching someone physically.)

And, of course, I’m talking about being way better for the touched, not for you!

The others need to have you,
even if you don’t need to have them.

The answer is………..LOVE!

What was the question?

Who cares?

Agreed! Answer: LOVE!

I had a buddy who recently cooked a turkey with a heavy dose of love. That shit was like crack! No one could stop eating it! With some potatoes, stuffed in a sandwich, just dripping in stock, didn’t matter. I’ve been on crack, and this turkey was seriously as tempting. Just goes to show what making food with love as a seasoning will do. Granny’s Apple Pie Effect….

I want a ginger snap.

I’m hungry. I’ll be back after this short commercial break:

That was beast!

It’s 6 AM somewhere…..

I will never get sick of an old-fashioned, homemade breakfast! (Made with love, by me, for me.)

Greatest Love of All = Learning to Love Yourself

Hallejuah. That looks funny. Halleluah. That doesn’t look better.

Amen

Wound up so tight,
Just achin’ to blow.
Force of a Hurricane,
Facin’ Tornadoes.

Shot from a cannon,
How far and how fast?
Hope for the Future,
Honor thy Past!

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel,
I made you out of clay.
Shaping & the Molding,
Is done by YOU each day.

When my head stops spinning,
And my heart slows down,
I hope my head is in the clouds,
And my feet are on the ground!

Ehhh….

Phil Collins don’t care anymore…….just sayin’

Right now feels like the proverbial “calm before the storm”. Which, really is cool, because, even in definition, it’s calm. I can reconcile everything up to this point. I’m OK. And I’m going to continue being OK.

And away we go……….