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“The hoarding of knowledge, or information, may be an act of tyranny, camouflaged as humility,” -Robin Morgan
“I like kids, man. They all eager to show you what they just learned. Adults, they be like this is what I know, and you know that shit ain’t e’en right half the time. Pshhttt…” -Stick Diamond
This feels like a whole new book, totally separate from the previous writings. There’s a whole different feel to me. There’s a finisher facet to me these days. I did move back to Seattle, as a homeless citizen, (completing the circle left unfinished back on Halloween of 2011) and worked my way up to being a conscientious bill-paying one. I certainly didn’t do this completely alone, and I was not the one who spear-headed the effort, but nonetheless, here I AM.
The mental health system sucks. I asked for help. They offered bureaucracy and 2nd opinions (so they could collect an extra hourly check from the insurance company). I spent my time (2x), gave an honest assessment, truly sought for something and I hate to say it, but if crazy isn’t off the train, you were warned.
In the spirit of funny all-time streaks, I have been stood up on 5 separate occasions over the last 6 weeks, by 5 different women. Doctorate students, friends, professionals, ranging in age from 22-42, women that I had a great conversation with, either via messaging, or over the phone. Again, honesty was my policy, mixed with a touch of my kind of humor. A live music show, wings and a beer, a pool match, a shopping trip, venue didn’t matter. From A to Z, everything was different every time, except for one thing. I was the only one planning to go. Truly unbelievable. I figure I have to be that much closer to finding one, and I’m extremely proud of the way I’ve handled it. At many points in my life, this would have absolutely destroyed me. I’ve been really cool considering I may be alone for the rest of my life.
I have had an unnatural attachment with one girl, though. I don’t know what we’re trying to be, but we grew together like a lightning bolt. One day, we were acquaintances, who may or may not have said, “Hi” on any given day, and then we started hanging out on breaks. We have this level of comfortability I’m not used to. I feel totally comfortable when she’s around. No pressure, no anger, no minor irritations. I know they will come with time, but she is a welcome relief from my norms. And, I think, I provide her a little of that myself. Before we had hung out for a week straight, she left her boyfriend of 4 years. She is unfazed by it, for the most part. She’s a young girl, but an old soul. She’s been to the rodeo and small stuff doesn’t unnerve her. But, I do believe that I have helped her ease in to her new situation. My goal is to help her not need a dude. She’s basically company for me, and a female perspective to help me in my pursuits. I’ve even outlined how I can help her, building the perfect beast, helping her claim her independence, and God willing, maybe help me clear up a little karmic debt. That was the plan, but, “The best laid plans……..”
The only way this is gonna work is if she truly wants this (she does seem to want to be her own person), she does what she’s told to do (she follows directions), and if this whole thing is not just used as a ploy to get in her pants. It must be altruistic in nature, for the good of her, over all. But, the Law of Opposition is always at work. I even laid it out in my outline.
DO NOT FUCK HER! Besides screwing up the entire fabric of what we are trying to accomplish for her, I can’t see it being the right move. She’s half my age, off drugs for 3 years or so, just like Bernard way back when (22/3)….
I don’t want to ruin her. She has this youthful exuberance, at times, and an child’s innocence about her. (Now, I always see that side at first. She very well may have taken on the entire high school’s football team one drunken night.) But, I don’t want to inject my negativity into her. Small doses of me are much better for her well-being, and I think I’m on to something here. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get mine, too. But, right now, this one needs to be handled this way. I know it. They say, “Always trust your gut.” That’s what I’m doing.
One problem. That Law. You can’t just make a declaration, to others or to yourself, and not expect that very temptation to surface almost immediately. We start basically spending every day together for a spell, just relaxin’, sharin’ our days, and Bs’ng. Just hanging out together. Every day, one starts noticing how much, or how little, they really like the other. Well, I find myself falling more and more in love with her every day. And, I can’t do anything to stop it. It just feels right when we’re together. I feel good with her around me. The other stuff is not that big a deal anymore. I care about her and what she wants. Maybe I’m always this much of a pussy, but I don’t think so. I think I’m generally a dick to girls I’m around. But, between my friend’s sickness, my Dad’s death, my prodigal son-like banding with the Feldmans (over Sis & Dad’s events), and my reunion with my Sea-phews, I can easily put myself at furthest consideration. I am an excellent server! But, I can’t serve her the whole menu. Or can I?
It doesn’t feel right. And, forget the adolescent fear. I could get around that with her. It would be fun, and laughy, and all afternoon, and awesome. WAIT! STOP
It doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. To who? You just don’t want to be publicly rejected by another young girl because it might just kill you. Merry Fucking Christmas if you blow this one out of the water.
She had the gumption to leave her man, move out, and in with Mom and step-Dude she’s known half her life. (He showed up as she was just starting up her teenage years. Nice and confusing. God, everyday, I notice something like this. We are so much alike, in so many deep ways. This whole relationship started because you saw her getting bullied, and made fun of, and you weren’t gonna stand for that. Now, the final father figure at home showing up at 12.
No underdog left outnumbered. (And it doesn’t have to be forceful or argumentative. Comment here, knowing side-wink there, bing, bang, boom, no feelings hurt, they barely knew what was happening. But, they don’t talk shit about her anymore, behind her back, or otherwise)
I live to fight for the little man, the one who’s very proficient, yet under-appreciated, and pushed around. Nobody should be getting bullied anymore, not by our fellow people. I choose to be a champion for the Underdog