Mantras for the Misguided Man

Posted in death, life, love, memoirs, parent, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2016 by unklehookd

REALITY………..is YOU!  When you lie down to sleep, at the end of they day, upon closing your eyes, that moment is what IS!  And, that’s all that there is.  (All the rest, merely perspectives, conjecture and hearsay.)

In that moment, you are the ONLY person who knows where you are, and it’s the ONLY place you truly know at all.

 

I’ve had occasion to reflect over years worth of thoughts, ideas and feelings over the last couple days, which has been very revealing and rewarding.

Tips to live by (circa 2014):

20 Thoughts in Progress:

  1. Death is imminent
  2. Love is fleeting
  3. Life is a gift
  4. Marriage is a tricky subject, as it has so many interpretations  (May never have my own)
  5. Happiness is subjective
  6. Depression is anger turned inward
  7. Anger is unnecessary, for an evolved being
  8. Everybody needs something
  9. Faith is the absence of fear
  10. God is something each individual needs to define for themselves
  11. Love is THE key
  12. The children ARE the future
  13. There’s no such thing as coincidence
  14. Everything happens for a reason
  15. You are where you are supposed to be, RIGHT NOW!
  16. Honesty is the best policy
  17. People are people. Can you blame them?
  18. You are all you got
  19. You’re born alone, you live alone (in your mind), you die alone
  20. Be the difference you want to see in the world

(Not bad)

20 Actions towards Progress:

  1.  Brighten up
  2.  Lighten up
  3. Try some H2O – (start w/ 4/day)
  4. Precise time must be kept in head, on hand, and in heart
  5. Engage more; Seclude less
  6. Snack tray/day+ 2 full meals
  7. Lock-down tight watch on budget (this means gambling/drinking, fool)
  8. Do a couple sets of push-ups/day
  9. Get quarters cleaned appropriately, and regularly
  10. Expect nothing from anyone. You won’t be disappointed, only happily surprised…..
  11. (Written while with job) “It’s a movement, not a coup”   Smile, go slow, show confidence, assist, & lift spirits
  12. Cut down a cig. every once in a while.
  13. “If you say you’ll do something, do it.  If you say you won’t, don’t.  Always tell the truth!” (Straight from Ra)
  14. Love your fellow man.
  15. Wear your glasses.
  16. Don’t try to force things.
  17. Call a relative, or two, every week, that you don’t often speak to. (Just to say ‘Hi’)
  18. Keep writing thoughts down (to help process them)
  19. Be good (-to yourself,……and each other- Jerry Springer)
  20. (When dealing with women):  ‘Tis better to teach them that they need no man, than to get them to rely on one, even if that man is you.  (Raised by a single mother, who didn’t need anyone to get her shit done!)

***It’s always good to revisit the past, to remember where you have been, remind yourself where you no longer want to go, and recall how good having that experience was, when it first happened.***

 

Request to my Fellow Bloggers….

Posted in life, thoughts, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2012 by unklehookd

Hey there, people!  I have recently been put in a position where I am helping three organizations market themselves through social media, like WordPress, Twitter, and Facebook.

Since quite a few of you have become cyber-friends,  (That makes me feel robotic! LOL)  I don’t feel embarrassed, at all, asking you to help me out by going to their Facebook pages and LIKEng them for me.

They are as follows:

Andalman & Flynn, P. C.  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Andalman-Flynn-PC/208470749181488

Health Insurance Specialists Inc. http://www.facebook.com/HealthInsuranceSpecialists

Rock & Roll for Children Foundation  http://www.facebook.com/RockandRollforChildrenFoundation

Thank you so much, bloguniverse, for helping out, if you can!  And, for anyone who is offended that I turned my personal blog into a shameless promotional forum, too f$@&ng bad!  LOL!  Love you guys and thanks again!

The Panther & The Rabbit (SUB)

Posted in life, love, memoirs, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2012 by unklehookd

Back in the day, I was leaving Kansas City (for the second time) and moving to Denver.  Of course, as I was deciding to make this move, an absolute vision of a girl came to work at our KC office.  I saw her from across the office, about 5’9″, slender, long blonde hair, absolutely beautiful.  Turns out she was doing some modeling before she came to work with us.  With the knowledge that I was already going, and nothing I did here mattered anymore, I had a whole different set of cojones, so I asked her to spend my final day in KC with me.  I told her we could do anything she wanted, with the thought of taking her to the art museum in the back of my mind.  Funny, her first wish was to go to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art!  This was already becoming something I couldn’t rationally explain.  We spend all day at the museum, and as we were leaving, we happen across this sculpture of a panther and a rabbit appearing to be chasing each other in a circular fashion.  We stood there, enraptured, amazed, as we stared as this beautiful, sexual, sensual piece of art.  That night, I asked her to come with me to Denver, leaving all of her friends and family behind to come with me, a complete stranger.  I wrote the following poem, as icing on the cake of my invitation, and she decided to throw caution to the wind and go with.  Needless to say, this is one of my favorite pieces of writing ever!  Let me know what you think!

The predator stalks, unnerving the timid mound of flesh.

The prey cowers, praying for somewhere to hide.

The hunter nears, wanting to be understood.

The hunted blinks, stealing the beast’s attentions.

The panther attacks with a whirlwind of fury.

The rabbit defends with a jab to the soft side.

The earth becomes their stage,

Encasing their tribal dance.

Their spirits intermingle,

Circling each other wantonly.

The ultimate battle wages on deep within the shadows.

Love vs. Lust

Beauty vs. Beast

Woman vs. Man

The predator attacks, capturing the soul of the temptation.

The prey submits, capturing the heart of the demon.

The hunter penetrates, exhilirating every fiber of her being.

The hunted exhales, confirming the end of a journey.

The panther recoils in an attempt to preserve angst.

The rabbit exalts in the irony that is evolution.

Heaven becomes their mattress,

Enraptured in eternal eyelock.

Their auras become one,

Expiring simultaneously.

Perhaps the two should not have met, yet neither regrets.

Pain vs. Pleasure

Pleasure vs. Pleasure

Pain vs. Pain

The predator withdraws, freeing the helpless creature.

The prey folds, feeling a sense of abandonment.

The hunter rides off, carrying a piece of the haunted.

The hunted recovers, knowing that loss breeds growth.

The panther exits, likening the end of a brilliant day.

The rabbit reclines, wondering what the night brings.

The sun becomes their ultimate symbol,

Exemplifying contrast ‘tween darkness and light.

Their chemistries unite,

Housing their everlasting salvation.

Upon this magical interlude, I must not fear true love.

Me vs. You

You vs. Me

Me vs. Me

MJF 03/08/99  “108”

Jail, Dead,….or the delivery room?

Posted in life, love with tags on January 15, 2012 by unklehookd

Wow!  What a crazy day on the phone I’ve had today!  First of all, congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens for qualifying for the next round of the playoffs.  As you always play to the level of your opponent, it’s always interesting, but I appreciate the extra week of shoving it down my friends who are Steelers fans’ throats.  Choke on that, Unoffendables!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, ever since I quit working last year, my dance card’s been pretty empty, and I don’t really make phone calls since I lived on the phone for a good portion of my life.   But, as I said, I’m ready to get back to business, and you know what they say.  Throw something out to the universe, and it tends to throw it back to you, or something like that.

Well, today, I got hit with all ends of the spectrum.  I got a collect call from an institution I used to be a guest at, 2000 miles away (not from them, but from one of their new guests), a phone call alerting me that Papa Evil, my first magazine mentor had a stroke and is in a coma (it’s been one hell of a month in terms of deaths, and the like), and my true Crabby’s angel/devil dropped in for a visit for the first time in years after reading my last blog (Yeah, sure, OK, let’s have a baby together—-just kidding).   I guess the motto of the day is “Life is short!”  You can’t get much heavier than jail, near-death experiences, and baby talk.  I should clarify, she didn’t ask me to father her child, she just said I should father a child soon.  And, I agreed, acknowledging that my clock is ticking (I’ve only got about 30 more years, ya’ know).

This whole experience has been strange for me recently.  As a guy who hits town, and jets before the dust settles, I’ve mentioned how I’m not really the guy that keeps in touch.  Fuck, this blog would’ve never been in existence if I didn’t try to sell my buddy a book (Long Sleeved Summers by Michael Janflone – http://www.createspace.com/3709148), just to have him tell me, “After 15 years, you show up and try to push this book on me.  How about telling me where the fuck you’ve been the last 15 years?”  HA!  Well, much to my surprise, between this blog and Facefuck, I’ve reconnected with MANY different players in the soap opera I call “Michael’s Song.”  I don’t know where that came from, I wouldn’t call it that, but I don’t believe in going backwards (except to correct spelling errors).  In the last month, I’ve run into “Shooter” from my teenage wasteland experience (who is now 11 years sober!  Fuck, yeah!), my ex-fiance, “CoCo” (who I wasn’t sure I would ever talk to again—we also talked about babies, with the shoe on the other foot, but I also got some of the kindest words I’ve ever heard from anyone, and they came from her mouth—blew my mind), half of the Vegas 7, many of the Florida Fun Bunch, a great deal of the Hillandale Posse, a couple of my closest friends I knew since I was 5, my best friend from junior high, and people I’ve known since I first started peddling magz for $1500/deal (unfortunately, in a setting that wasn’t quite optimal, to say the least)

Dale, I know you can here me, and I love you for everything you taught me, whether it was how to be or how not to be and I hope your suffering is kept to a minimum, whatever that entails—Peace be with you, Socrates!)

Throw in all the old faces, plus the fact that my family (the part that likes me) always gets me grounded again, and the death that’s swirling around me like an ethereal whirlpool (or tornado), that I happen to be right in the eye of, and I got myself a whole new way of thinking and being.   I’m actually adult-ish, for once.  I mean, let’s not get carried away.  I’m still a fool, but jail’s not somewhere I want to waste time at; death, while not scary, is not something I feel like doing right this moment; And, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t understand that the baby thing is coming up way too often to be a coincidence.  If either of you are listening, that means for you as much as it means for me, if not more so.  Take the plunge!  I know both of you would be awesome mothers, and you have nothing to fear!  Trust me and take it to heart, I know whereof I speak!

P.S.  I often take cigarette breaks in the middle of my blogs to settle down, clear my head, and start anew, just slower.  During this particular one, I just had a great idea!  One time only” offer:  I will abandon all my pre-conceived notions and drop any judgements I may have, and totally clear my mind if any female out there wants to step up and have me impregnate her on March 21st of this year.  Let me know, and we will usher in the end of the Mayan calendar with little baby Feldenkris!  Dah-da-da-dah (To the tune of O Fortuna, 1st cut on Carmina Burana, and anyone that knows me, knows how that goes!)

Anyone remember the final scene of Devil’s Advocate, where Al Pacino says to Keanu Reeves, “I have so many names.”  I think my version would be, “I have so many issues.”

One more thing.  At times, I have asked for responses from the gallery on certain issues, and I never get them, but I’ll ask away anyway.  Truthfully, I really do get them, just not in the multitudes I expect, or in writing, ever.  They always come in the form of a secret message, or a personal phone call, from one person, and one person only.  But, it is an answer nonetheless.  (Drum roll, please!)

My question for today is:  Which kind of post appeals to you more?  A story of a time I’ve lived before?  Or a message coming “out of the blue” from today?  I’m not saying I won’t keep see-sawing back and forth, but I’m curious to know what YOU get the most out of, because after all, this is as much for you as it is for me!  Take care, one and all!  Thank you for being there for me!  108!

 

Be me or Not Be Me? That is the question!

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs with tags on January 15, 2012 by unklehookd

I was reminded the other day, by an old, and very dear friend that I should ease up on some people because I’ve done things “my way, right or wrong, and had a freedom others haven’t had because they always do what’s expected.”  I think that’s why, to some degree, people tend to enjoy my posts.  At least the people who say something, because I only hear the good critiques.  For whatever reason, the people who find me objectionable don’t tell me so, which is cool for me, as that is the primary reason for my avoidant personality disorder.  But, that’s just the way I am.  I’ve said it before.  I’ll say it again.  The road I was “supposed” to take just never sounded appealing, and to tell the truth, I’m not sure it sounds any better now.

It’s such a conundrum.  Is it that once you have a taste of true freedom, going back to the “institution” seems too boring, and unimaginable?  Or is freedom just another word for nothing left to lose, like Kris Kristofferson wrote for Janis Joplin to immortalize?  Currently, I have nothing, but I certainly am not nothing.  I don’t know if I am even making sense.  Everything seems to be garbled up in my head.  I have fuzzy thoughts of the “idea of drugs” dancing through my head, yet knowing none of them bring the true satisfaction I’m looking for.  As a matter of fact, my mom asked me the other day if I saw myself doing drugs again.  I had to pause.  After all, my stock answer is, “I won’t go looking for it.  Searching, and hunting, and waiting just isn’t my thing.”  It’s not that being in dangerous situations is that big of a deal, but I hate waiting around for anybody, or anything.  It’s not in my make-up to sit in a car for three hours, waiting for someone to come home with what may, or may not, be an acceptable bounty.  I hate it!  I hate it when I’m doing it, I’d rather be somewhere else, and it truly isn’t that important to me.  Shit, even when I’m kicking, I’d rather be locked away in a house, flopping around like a fish out of water, rather than chasing somebody around town looking for a quick fix.  The worst day I ever had was when I was withdrawing from heroin, actually fentanyl, also known as “china white.”  I had nowhere to go, and it was a chilly, rainy day.  It was awful.  The chill in my bones was grating on every fiber of my being.  I couldn’t sit still.   And, I didn’t have more than a quarter in my pocket.  But, I surely wasn’t going to find a place to camp and wait for someone to come to the rescue.  I guess you could say I was chasing it that day, but I ended up walking 5 miles (in the cold rain) til I got to where I was going, which did have a fix at the end of the rainbow.  But, it was given to me.  I didn’t spend any money on it (obviously, if I didn’t have any.)  My buddy felt sorry for me, I believe.  If any of you have ever gone through any kind of opiate withdrawal, you know how hard that walk must’ve been.  But, to me, at least, it wasn’t waiting for something to happen.  I had a goal in mind, and I kept going til I got there.  Truthfully, I wasn’t going to stop til I got there, because there was a warm shelter there.  The shit was just a bonus!

But, that’s not the real problem anyway.   My mom even knows that.  She asks, “Well, what if it just drops in your lap?”

“C’mon, Mom, how often does that happen?”  I had to try some deflection, and just hope she doesn’t know that it happens all the time to me.  It didn’t work.  She kept pressing.  “What do you want me to say?  If I’m in a place where it shows up and it’s going to be there for a while, what should I do?  Should I leave the place I’m at, til it leaves?  Or should I watch everyone else do it and just sit there, sipping water?  Or should I enjoy the moment, reminiscing about days of yore, knowing that I won’t go chase it tomorrow?  I don’t think the correct answer lies in any of those questions.”  I truly don’t have a hankering for anything I’ve done before.  Cancel that!  I still want a joint, but that’s not a drug to me.  Fuck, on the left coast, it’s pretty much legal.  And, it’s the only real cure for the anxiety I constantly feel.  I used to joke that it slows me down to the speed of the rest of the world (which it does, but some people get offended at that explanation.)  Actually, most drugs make me relax, which I imagine, is why everyone likes getting high with me.  I’m not the guy who’s crawling around on the floor, or the one peeking out the eyehole, or the one thinking that aliens are waiting to harvest my organs and probe my anus.  I’m just like I am normally, except a little cooler, and a little more patient.  I wait my turn, am extremely gracious, totally unexpectant, and far from greedy.  Just please tell me when I’m on my last hit, so I can mentally prepare for it.  If it catches me off-guard, that does suck!

The real problem is:  Do I or Don’t I?  Currently, I am stuffed away from the rest of the world, with no hope of running into these temptations, but I am also bored out of my fucking mind.  I needed to clear up, for sure.  But, I’ve got to join the rest of the world (that is under 70 years old) at some point soon.  And, I can’t envision not doing anything.  Like I said, none of the drugs give me a desired effect, but neither does the thought of doing nothing.

There was one thing that was an adequate replacement.  During this last year of saying “Fuck you” to the establishment, I did spend some time being a manny? (male nanny) to my two nephews and niece.  And, when I was their sole watchdog, I refrained from doing drugs.  The fact I was a “speed freak” when they weren’t around didn’t help, as I was very tired when they were, but I loved the time I spent with them and I really didn’t even think of drugs.  Some of my most rewarding moments were spent watching “Kung Fu Panda” and “Toy Story 3.”   But, that would entail me finding a good mother for my children, which I’ve never been able to find, when looking.  And, I do fear, that if I found that woman, she would run and hide from the likes of me.   Not to mention, I’ve always felt strongly about not bringing a child into this world until I, and the world, was acceptable to rear that child.  I’ve just never seen myself as a father.  After all, I’m no role model!

I just don’t know.  Somehow, I have worked my way back into the employed population without fitting into that cookie-cutter.  I have two jobs, and one on the way, where they all let me live wherever, work from home, and report to a peer, rather than an authority figure.  But, how am I going to work my way back into society where I call all my shots, when I don’t even know which way I’m leaning?  My whole mantra revolves around balance, and I am simply not a quitter, so where does that leave me in the most prevalent question of all?

I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned!

Sin City! (My kind of town)

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs on January 8, 2012 by unklehookd

While I figure out what to rant on today, I will start off with a famous sports quote, “That’s why they play the game.”  My picks stunk, except as I am always trying to create a positive spin these days and I am a master of reading between the lines, I must point out that outside of the top seeds, I only have New Orleans moving to the Championship Round, so this week didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.  But, still, it was a crushing blow to my gambler’s ego.  Good thing I still don’t live in Vegas.  Betting there was just another part of the daily schedule.  Every Sunday, in  Vegas, consisted of waking up at 8AM, running to the casino to place the days’ bets, and on the phone by 10, to sit there all day, selling mags (at $1500/deal) and watching football all day, hoping to cash in both ways.

Man, I loved Vegas (and hated it!)  There was the main three, which I was one of, three of our homeboys, and then there would always be 2-3 other phone people, along with 2 secretaries, and, of course, Papa Evil.  We ran roughshod over that town.  When we moved from Kansas, we moved straight into a 3500 sq. ft. house with a pool table just upstairs and a jacuzzi on the back patio.  Papa had an indoor pool at his crib.  Sidenote:  If you ever watch Mars Attacks, the White House was his house, from the outside.  Anyway, we were obviously making money.  At that time, we were selling 75 orders/day, at a $1200 avg. package.  That’s $90K gross a DAY!  I, personally, was on top of my game.  I was capping over 200 orders a week myself and I had a 57% verification rate.  That was nearly $140,000 in magazine sales NET.  We were rolling so well, we hired one of our secretaries to also be our maid & cook for $400/week.  Yes, we were very stupid!  After work, Papa & I would run to the casinos to play blackjack.  A lot of times, it was all of us.  And when I say all of us, I mean the Vegas 7, three girls we brought with us from Kansas, one from Colorado, and a couple of the guys met girls there.  We were a regular entourage, but even if we all didn’t go, Dale & I had business to conduct.  He taught me the basic rules of blackjack, and he would bankroll me every night.  He would give me $200, and I would go off and play.  At the end of the night, I’d give him back his $200, and we would split was left, down the middle.  If I lost, I lost.  But, with this system of using someone else’s money, and the fact we lived there, so I could always go back to work the next day, I would win 4 nights out of 6 every week.  Things were awesome!

When the girl staying in my room went running back to Kansas, I set my sights on an old friend (from Kansas also).  See, I don’t like starting new relationships, if you don’t remember from my childhood tales, especially now that I’m bouncing from place to place.  But, Kansas, is the home of a few loves, and that’s what I do.  I’ll go try to pick up the pieces first, before I get out there and find someone else.  I’m still friendly with all the girls I loved before.  It’s the ones I fuck that I lose track of, if I knew them to begin with.  I was originally upset when I heard Marky Mark, or one of his friends, use my motto in a movie once, but he’s grown into a respectable actor, so I’ve learned to appreciate it, but “I don’t pay hookers to fuck me, I pay them to get the fuck away from me when I’m done.”  It might’ve been worded slightly different in the film, but you get the idea.  Anyway, I’m getting off-track.  I call up Kansas II, and convince her to spend her 21st birthday in Vegas.  Around that time, I find out my cousin is also coming to Vegas that weekend.  To make a long story short, that weekend (Fri-Sun), I worked at day, went straight out to the casinos right after, spent the entire night Friday & Saturday gambling and drinking with my cousin, the girl, her mother, her aunt, and her cousin and on Monday, I saw them all off, kissing the girl on the cheek and patting her aunt on the ass (she felt me up in the middle of the night), went to work with $3000 I had just won in Blackjack, bought a car at lunch, and ended that day with another 25 orders capped.  By the time I got home Monday night, I hadn’t slept in over 80 hours, but I’d say it was worth every wink! ;p

But, there was also the other night, where me and my buddy went into our third partner’s room while he slept, took our company checkbook, and drained everything out of that account, after breaking our own pockets, and ended up at Sam’s Town, sitting on a bench in the foyer at daybreak, with not a penny, splitting a beer, and not having enough gas to drive the two miles to work.  Calling Dale to come bail us out was far from funny, especially when he burst into laughter when we told him our plight.

But, the cities I like don’t ever last long.  After four months, of apparently not being licensed to work in the city of greed, we walked in to the FBI, FCC, FTC, ATF, and Vegas’ finest splitting us up at the door to keep us apart.  Another fucked-up sidebar:

The cop takes me to my desk, and says, “We wanna ask you a couple questions.”

“Am I under arrest?”

“Not yet.”

“Good, then NO, I don’t want to answer any questions.”

“OK, then you’re under arrest!”

Scumbag.

Then, they proceed to wait for the cameras to get there, and march us out single-file for the press and take us around the corner, lining us up against the wall as if we were waiting for a firing squad.  And, this is the whole office, men, women, phone people, secretaries, all of us.  One of the girls was clearly agitated, and I asked a cop if he thought he could loosen up her zip-tie a little bit.  So, he came and made mine tighter.  Piece of shit!

And, it all boiled down to my boss not registering us and paying taxes.  We were making money hand over fist, in a city that’s built on money and all they wanted was their cut.  Then again, the city is in the middle of the desert, where they pump in oxygen to keep you awake, there’s tons of meth (for the same reason), not to mention the bells, and whistles, and bright lights.  You’re bound to stay up until you do lose everything you have, if you have an addictive personality, such as I do.  So, maybe, it was a blessing in disguise that we were kicked out before we got too comfortable.

Overall, though, much like my black jack play, and my football betting too, that year, I’d say my good outweighed my bad by about 2:1.  Viva Las Vegas!

Back & Better Than…sometime

Posted in drugs, life on January 5, 2012 by unklehookd

Time to post again!  Hooray!  In my new-found sense of clarity, I’m trying to adjust and become an all-around different person.  After all, the only thing constant is change.  You either change, and adapt, or you get left behind.  Adaptation is something that I have become a pro at.  Whether or not I feel like I fit in, I can blend into any situation, with any group of people, in any setting, much like a chameleon.  You can’t move around as much as I have without learning how to get along with a variety of different personalities.

My new mission is one of service.  I have often placed myself in a position of being there for people, one-on-one.  Ask anyone that knows me, and in our individual relationship, I am one of the best people they can have in their corner.  I don’t judge (How can I?), I listen well (I prefer it to talking) and I try to give them a way of looking at their situation in a manner which will be productive for them.  I am many people’s chief supporter, whether they want to be a model, a salesman, a parent, or just themselves til they figure out what they want.   Lord knows, I don’t know exactly what I want yet!

Sometimes, this retards my progress.  Where’s Mikey time?  I must apologize to those who do read this, as I haven’t posted in a couple days time.  Not making excuses, but I really didn’t have time to sit down and figure out what was on my mind.  I offered to do one friend a favor, that should have taken 30 minutes, and it took a day and a half.  Meanwhile, I am also trying my best to assist my Dad with a number of different things.  Problem one, he doesn’t remember what I tell him from one hour to the next.  (This is actually a good thing, because if I thought I was a patient person before this, I am going to be a saint by the time these tutorials end)  Two, sometimes he flips out and says that I’m purposefully giving him the wrong information (to mess him up, I guess.)  I haven’t figured out yet why he would think I would tell him something that would not benefit him, let alone try to derail his progress.  But, then again, my Mom said the other day that she wanted to make sure  I had good motives with something business-wise I was doing, because she didn’t want to be a party to me ripping someone off.  Thanks, Mom!  I admit I’m not perfect, and I haven’t always had my customer’s best interest at heart, but who would think that I would use my Mom as my accomplice?  As that lawyer said that day in court, “So, Mr. Feldman, what you’re telling us is that you are, admittedly, a liar and a criminal?”  Well, FUCK, I guess so, if my own parents still think so.

Just kidding, not to worry.  I’m not the same rebellious kid that shrinks off in the corner, and rubs my hands together (evil genius-style), thinking “Well, if that’s what everyone thinks, and that’s what everyone wants, then I’ll show them how bad it can be!”

Really, it just reminds me that there is a balance.  I do have to do for me!  I do have to do for others!  There is a happy medium where both can be accomplished!  Easy hourly mantra:  “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference”  Same shit, at it basest level!

It’s just so hard to think, when your brain is always in a swirl, your hearing is such that you hear every gopher taking a crap two houses down, and Al Sharpton is on my Dad’s TV, at a decibel level to rival the Rose Bowl, yelling, “What are we to believe, Willard? (What Big Al calls Mitt Romney)  You say one thing one minute, and next week, you’ve totally hopped the fence to the other side?  God bless us, merry gentleman!

Anyway, I’m back to blogging daily.  I’m obviously back to my normal obnoxious, opinionated self.  And, hopefully, I’m back to amusing those who have shown me so much support since I started this little adventure as an outlet, one not so dangerous as the other outlets I’ve stuck my fingers in, over the years.  You know, I could even see this blogging thing becoming a more full-time thing.  I’d rather go back to Seattle and jump off the I-99 bridge than go work for someone in an office.  At least on the bridge, I would get my just credit.  But, sitting here, spitting out what I live and what I learn can only be better and better for me as I get better at it.  And, of course, the better I get at anything, the better I provide for those paying attention.  Win, win!

So, back to the book promos as I have taken some time away from that, too.  But, for those paying attention, the press release just went out today so now the fine citizens of NYC and LA, be warned.  Mike Feldman is about to invade your lives, too!  Here I come!  Annie, get your gun!  Yee-haw!

GOD within YOU

Posted in life, tribute with tags , on January 3, 2012 by unklehookd

Where do I start?  New year, new possibilities!  Darkness abound, light conquering!

So far, this year has brought forth death, debt, and destruction.  Yeah for you!  Guess what?  I still win!

Without going too much into detail, do you know who I am?  Do you know what you are up against?  I’ve come across the most negative, self-serving, evil individuals, and spirits, you could imagine.  I’ve fallen prey to the greed, the arrogance, the selfishness, the ignorance.  Yet, I am still here and I still stand strong.  My father lies next to me, sleeping peacefully, as we silently jam out to Pink Floyd.  Those who I have hurt, I know you know that, even if you can’t forgive me, I do love you!  I have not been the best man, but I am a triumphant spirit!

“The kingdom of God is inside YOU, and all around YOU”

“Peace comes from within.  Not without.”

“Know ye not, that ye are gods”

I am not perfect, but I strive to be!  I am not good, but I hope to be!  I am not loved, but I will be!

You are not forgotten!  You are not forsaken!  You will not perish, unless you want to!

I am not an evangelist!  I am not anyone’s savior!  If anything, I lead people to their death!  I am a free bird, showing you how far you can fly!  You can go to the ends of the earth, whichever way you choose to go.  You can be as good as you ever imagined!  You can be as bad you ever imagined!  The choice is up to YOU!

I know that, even for me, this sounds crazy, but it is what it is.  You decipher it however you deem necessary!  Our love knows no bounds!  Your hate always leads to one finite point!  I wish I could tell this tale in a way acceptable to all, but unfortunately, this is a road less travelled!  You take the good, throw out the bad, and do with it as you will.  God bless you, one and all!  That is what is necessary for our existence!

I’m actually glad that most of you have already written me off as a criminal, a junkie, or as the literrati call it, “INSANE.”  Otherwise, this message goes unheard.  You don’t have to believe I know what I’m talking about; I don’t know  what I am talking about.  I type as I’m told to type!  I know this sounds like the incessant ramblings of a madman!  I am, for Christ sake!  But, if you can read between the lines, someone is speaking through me!  Whether or not you listen, that’s totally up to you!

I can’t possibly make you understand what you are being presented here.  I only wish that I come up and feel the light within me, so that I may shine it upon the world.  I hope to repress the darkness inside, so that you may never feel it.  And, I hope for you, the same.

Do not comment on this particular post!  It will serve no purpose!  Take it in, Let it out, and Be YOU!  You are good enough to give to the world and I am nothing but a scourge to those who use me as a pariah!  I have a sickness!  One of love, of hope, of encouragement, of support, of positivity!  This is not welcomed on our earthly plane; we welcome negativity, hatred, despair, and disparaging remarks, because that is what we have been taught to welcome.

All you need to remember is that YOU can do it, whatever it is!  YOU are good enough!  YOU do make all the difference!  YOU are the key-Open the lock!

I will be sitting here, in the corner of my padded cell, wondering, wishing, hoping that WE will be ONE before YOU realize WE have been apart!  108!

Gratitude + Belief = Fulfillment

Posted in life with tags on January 1, 2012 by unklehookd

As he we head into the New Year, Stardate 2012, you must ask yourself one question!  First, look into the mirror.  Don’t just glaze over your image.  Don’t look over your shoulder, realizing your image is before you.  Seriously, look into your eyes.  Not just a fleeting glance.  Look deep into your eyes, the windows to your soul.  Got it?  Are you really staring yourself in the face?  Ready to be honest?  The glass in front of you is 50% full, 50% empty.  How would YOU define the age old question?

I think I used to be a half-empty guy, but then again, I don’t know.  I’ve dealt with the most egotistical people you could ever think to meet, so when you tell them that something can’t be done, you’re deemed a negative person.  To some degree they are right, because I did get whatever they wanted done, but it was also not without fracturing the occasional law, or two.  I just had the ability to do those things, while limiting the collateral damage to almost unnoticable, but it doesn’t change the fact that if you do play the game within the boundaries, it would’ve been impossible.  Plus, guys like that will paint you as not only the guy who doesn’t believe in the power of positive thinking, but will also blame you for everything that goes wrong with their plan, thus further pummeling your self-esteem til you don’t believe in anything, including yourself.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been a half-full guy.  How else could I get through the arrests, death threats, close calls, ODs, and abandonments, both by me and to me, and come out of it all relatively unscathed, and smiling?  This is more than my “laugh so I don’t cry” philosophy.  I truly believe I will always be alright, I’m not that bad to begin with, and I will get what I deserve!  Just like you!  I believe that applies to anybody, and everybody, whether or not you believe it.  Positive ions beget positive reactions, as negative begets negative.  My cranky old father asked me today if I take for granted my intelligence.  When I said “No,” he asked why, oh why, then, am I not as well-off as I should be?  This is where the real problem started.  I asked him what his definition of well-off was, knowing damn well he was only talking about monetarily.  He (my Dad) is very comfortable, not having to worry about anything else in his life, and he is one of the most miserable people I know.  Unfortunately, even with that being the case, he doesn’t understand that I am not seeking to be in that position, in the slightest.

Don’t get me wrong!  Money’s great and it’s provided for a great deal of my creature comforts, but I don’t really miss it.  I barely exist, on paper, as I have not had a job the entire year of 2011, I never claimed unemployment, and I didn’t borrow more than $500 total, yet I’m still here, I didn’t shrink away to nothing (I actually weigh as much as I ever have), and I did quite a bit of drugs, without having to sell out, sell my body, or steal for it.  I did steal $50 from one of my best friends, and lost him because of it, but that was for food.  And, for that, I am sorry beyond belief.

My whole thing is, I have learned from all of  my trials and tribulations that I don’t want for anything.  I have more love given to me than any man has a right to have, but I have it, and I am grateful to all who are there providing it for me.  I’m grateful that I was resourceful enough to find food and shelter when I seemingly had nowhere to go.  I’m even grateful for all those people that provided free drugs so I wasn’t bored out of mind when I was uninspired to do anything else.  In other words, I am thankful for everything I have, or had, that helped me get to where I am right now, which is OK.  Happy, Beloved, Alive, and Able to express my gratitude to all those living here with me, in body or in spirit.

If I am able to gain anything else, monetarily, materialistically, or find my better half, I will get when I deserve to, keep it when I am ready to handle it, and cherish that because I have it then.  Until then, it is not NEEDED, to make me a complete, and happy person.

I LOVE ME!  I LOVE YOU!  And, just to prove the power of positive vibrations does exist, I will gain 15 pounds this year (which would be an all-time high), I will finish a 5K race in less than an hour this year (I am a smoker and a junkie, keep in mind), and I will help Michael Janflone sell 32000 copies of Long Sleeved Summers this year (and I have no idea what I’m doing as far as book promotions).  Just because!  I’m not really a New Year’s Resolution type of guy, but I’m going to do it just to show that WE determine what is, and what isn’t possible, and it is only up to US!  And, because I know it, I will do all of the above, barely breaking a sweat in the process.  And, I wish all of you the best in achieving whatever it is you would like to achieve this year!  Actually, not that I am officially out of hiding, and interacting with the real world, keep me posted on your progress.  You know I’ll be keeping you posted!

End of the Beginning of the End

Posted in life with tags , on December 31, 2011 by unklehookd

Unless the demons start screaming at me sometime in the next 7 hours, this will be my last blog of 2011.  So out with the bad, in with the new, just like the breathing exercises I need to employ when quelling my panic attacks, which I’ve gotten extremely good at over the last 20 years or so.  So, off to the races…..

First of all, HA HA, Fate, I made it!  Fuck you!  Haven’t you realized that I’m not that easy to kill?  This same thought has hit me many times before, on this date of year’s past, but I have been waiting for this particular year for a long time.

First, I’ll go backwards, with an attempt to explain why I need to put this year behind me.  Two hours into 2011, my most recent fairy tale came crumbling down.  Over the last four months of 2010, I was on top of the world, literally.  I was living in an apartment on the 24th floor of a 27-story building in Downtown Seattle with the Space Needle right outside my window.  And, it was all mine, except for the occasional girl bunking with me, escaping her abusive boyfriend, staying away from the normal Seattle elements that time of year, and of course, bringing me free drugs so that I could stay awake to continue my work.  See, from September thru New Years, I almost single-handedly brought in about $250,000.  The banks, the merchant account company, all of our friends and associates, not to mention all the drug dealers and meth girls were loving them some Mikey at the end of last year.  My bosses lived up in the penthouse on the 27th floor and we were well into a New Year’s party, when something told me to check the bank account.  At 2AM, chargebacks (also known as cancels) came rolling in.  I guess they were clearing their books.  Because only one person was helping me in the bringing in of the money, but hundreds were assisting in spending it, that destroyed us.  And, everyone wondered what happened when it came crashing down.  I do know of at least three people that escaped from the rubble, ended up in rehab, and are still clean to this day.  So, all’s well that ends well, for them, at least.

My road didn’t go quite as smoothly.  After we first got evicted from the tower in the sky, I ended up in a three-bedroom duplex with the roommates floating through, as if by revolving door.  Tried selling stuff over Ebay, tried selling drugs, Borrowed money from family.  None of it really worked out, and after my 20-hour days went for naught, realizing it could all crash in the span of three hours, I gave a quick finger to anyone even asking me if wanted to work.  All that money’s gone that I brought in????  Go fuck yourself.  I’ll be homeless, if you need a sign of my commitment to this cause.  The landlord of the duplex really only liked me by the end of our five month stay there, because I always told him the truth.  If I can’t promise you a date I can get you the rent, then I won’t even try to disguise that fact.  I don’t know when to tell you, but when I have it, you will, too.  Meanwhile, I am extending my meth addiction, borne from those 20-hour days in the tower.  I am now also giving birth to a heroin addiction.  There was one night we got the whole block sick, with the fumes from hydrochloric acid, and ether, wafting through our half of the house.  (Don’t ask!) I also woke up with a loaded gun pointed at my head, because I was not adequately protecting the house, and my friends, from undesirables.  Who are the “undesirables,” since none of them have ever pulled a gun on me?  So, when the landlord finally said, “Get out” I didn’t give me any argument.  At least, until everyone I knew left me there to deal with the six big, black guys that came bursting through the door, grabbing the furniture that was left and throwing it in the dump truck out front.  That was the last straw!  I huddled my shit in the corner, and physically stood in front of it, and said “I’ll take my shit out to the curb myself!”  My landlord, impressed that I stayed til the very end, even though everyone abandoned me, let me “squat” there over the weekend, where I cleaned up the parts of the house that I could.  There were like 10 new holes in the walls that I didn’t do anything about, but I did my best, otherwise and I have to believe, we parted on as good of terms as possible.

One of my last nights there, I had the company of this little 21-yr old girl.  I was actually there about a week by myself, and every night, like clockwork, around 2 or 3 AM, she’d show up and hang out with me the rest of the night.  The last night I saw her, I had probably been up for about 3 or 4 straight nights, so after she fucked me to sleep, she stole my buddy’s BMW 7-series right from under me.  I could not believe how stupid, or lonely, I was.  I was as easy of a mark as you can be.

After that, she went to jail and I hit the streets.  I, being as stubborn as I am, still refused to go get a job and, as I mentioned, summer in Seattle is beautiful.  So, I was now homeless, too.  I had three people’s places that I could crash at every once in a while, and if I was out, I’d just walk the streets at night to avoid being ass-raped in some alley.  Really, it wasn’t that bad and I was never in real danger.  Money and food appeared when I needed it, including one of the best meals I had being served under a highway off-ramp by a group of restaurant owners who felt sorry for the disenfrachised.  It really was a great meal, including soup, salad, dessert.  I was amazed.

And the rest of the story, you may have already caught on earlier posts, so now, on to why 2012 is so eagerly anticipated by me, anyway.  As you guys know, I’m into all that magical, mystical shit, believing we all have powers we just don’t know how to fully tap into.  With that being said, something’s gonna change this upcoming year, I believe that.  Not necessarily mass destruction, but a global change of some sorts.  Many know of the Mayan prophecies because there’s so much press on their calendar ending on December 21st.  The fact that the Earth, Sun, and Center of the Milky Way will all be in complete alignment on that day, has to mean something.  (That makes me wonder about the tides)  That only happens every 25,630 years, so I wasn’t around to find out what happened last time.  Throw in the fact the I-Ching, and Cherokee lore, mentions the same end date, and maybe it’s more than coincidence.  The Egyptian calendar also ends in 2012.  The Aztecs, the Hopi, the Pueblo Nation, Hindus, Zulus, Maori tribesman, The Incans (Peru is back on!), and Tibet (home of the fuckin’ Dalai Lama, bitches!) all say the year 2012 is going to be something special.  Of course, this is just another thing to take the focus off myself, I’m sure some of you are saying

Really, no matter what happens, we all need something to believe in and that’s truly what New Year’s is all about.  It’s one of those landmarks throughout the year where everything you’ve ever done washes away and you get a do-over.  A chance at a new start, a chance to try new things, a chance to be better than you were before.  So, GOOD LUCK, my friends and like my friend, Bob Gannon, once told me, Cheer up, things could be worse!  So, I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse!  Love you all and see you in the Golden Age!

Brain Salad Surgery

Posted in life, memoirs, Uncategorized with tags on December 28, 2011 by unklehookd

Started early tonight.  I don’t know if I’m gonna spit out one story, or go into a litany of different adventures.  One of my many brain disorders besides the anxiety, depression, bipolarity, addiction and avoidant personality disorder, is that I always have a million things swirling around my brain at the same time.  I used to say I had ADD or ADHD, but it’s not just that I have a short attention span.  I don’t jump from topic to topic.  They’re all in there together, getting in each other’s way, jumping up to say “Hey,” sometimes even merging together incestuously until I just look like a jumbled-up, crazy mess.  That’s what you see from time to time.

Aha!  I believe I just found my topic du jour.  I’ve been chopping up my heart and soul over the last week, so today, boys and girls, we’re going to dissect the brain of a madman-Michael J Feldman, or is it Gillen, or Feldenkris?  (No wonder I have issues, if I don’t know who I am really)

When I was about 5, I started getting stomach-aches pretty regularly, so I was sent to my first psychiatrist.    I don’t blame my mom.    Who knows what to do?    But, who goes to a psychiatrist age 5?   ME.   Aren’t you paying attention?  I did like that particular doctor so I started baking cookies, calling them “Mike’s Delights” and selling them to him for $5/bag.  Hey, he was charging my mom like $75-90/hr.  But, I did learn an important lesson.  Doctorate or not, everyone is susceptible to getting distracted, if approached the right way.

As previously mentioned, I don’t stick with anyone, or anything, very long.  So, I bounced from doctor to doctor, all of them looking for the reason I was who I was, while I was looking for the reason this person couldn’t help me.  After all, I haven’t even admitted anything was wrong with me yet.  I can’t get to sleep because I’m anxious.  I can’t wake up because I’m depressed.  And, I’m mixed up because I’m always flip-flopping from one side of the spectrum to the other.  Blah, blah, blah…..

[As a funny sidenote, I did find an accurate diagnosis of myself a few years ago.  That’s how I know I have an “avoidant personality disorder.”  It totally explains my apprehension towards joining social circles, because deep down I have a fear of rejection and criticism.  There’s a bunch of other things, too, but I won’t bore you with my amateur psychoanalysis.  The funny thing is that the way you treat someone with this disorder is through therapy, both individual and group, but people with this disorder won’t go to therapy because their whole thing is about avoidance.  HA!  Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya’ think?]

So, I start bouncing from shrink to shrink, because honestly, I don’t like most of them and I don’t have faith in their abilities since I can see right through half of their tactics, even at ages 7, 10, 12, and 16 and so on and so on.

There was this one guy who was my all-time favorite.  We’ll call him Dr. Quack.  I was taken to him after an all-night party (that no one knew I was at) where I ingested a half and half mixture of Sprite & Vodka out of a “Big Gulp” cup.  Somehow, I was still standing and relatively cool, so no one knew any better.  This guy was an actual psychiatrist, as opposed to a psychologist, so he drew some blood to detect what kinds of meds they could get me hooked on.  Or at least he tried to.  When he pulled the plunger back, the liquid filling up the chamber was all this clear, but milky, yellowish type liquid.  I don’t know what plasma looks like, but that’s what came to mind.  A plasma/vodka blend that clearly monopolized the pathway my blood was supposed to flow through.  He exclaimed, “It can’t be.  It is not possible.” in a thick Trinidadian accent I won’t forget soon.  So, he took another vial, which did have a pinkish hue by the end of it.  Then, came his expert analysis.  “You clearly (excuse the pun) have a chemical imbalance.”  Yeah, I’m floating in Vodka, dipshit!  He prescribes me some medicine, which I can’t remember, since I flushed every pill down the drain, one day at a time.  Whatever it was, I wasn’t allowed to mix it with drugs and alcohol, so I wasn’t gonna take that shit.  The best part is still yet to come.  I went back a month later, without the party the night before, where the blood drawn actually looked like blood, and he said happily, “You see, it is working.  We are on the right track!”  He looked puzzled when I started laughing.

“You fucking quack, I haven’t been taking those pills at all.  I knew you were full of shit.”

This guy, this “medical professional,” then caught me by surprise.  He fucking exploded.  “YOU…..ARE A MENACE…TO SOCIETY!!!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  My pleasure, asshole!

All in all, by the time I was done, I had gone to a dozen different psychologists, psychiatrists and priests to cure my ills.  Well, I’m still fucked up and two doctors and one priest quit their professions, which I’m sure they spent a lot of time and effort on, after meeting me.  I used to take pride in that fact.  After all, I had won, at the time.  In retrospect, I’m not sure anyone won that battle.

In the end, I am what I am and that’s all there is to it.  For better or worse, I’m the one that has to live with myself 24 hours a day, so the only one that can help whatever adjustments need tweaking in my brain, is me.  And people wonder why I look to the stars and numbers and spiritual stuff for help.  The answer could be anywhere!

With that, my horoscope said just today, “Everyone, in their own special way, is weird — and that certainly includes you! It’s high time for you to admit to it. Trying to fit in with whatever you think is ‘normal’ will only be a pointless waste of time. What you really need to do is embrace your idiosyncrasies. Don’t shy away from feeling odd or out of place. Because not being like everyone else is what makes you unique. No one else has the irresistible combination of sense and nonsense that you have. Celebrate it!”

AMEN and Halleluah!

What to believe in?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 26, 2011 by unklehookd

Let me preface everything with the fact I am bipolar, or at least I have tendencies towards extremism.  How can I not have conflict when I’m probably one of the only Jews to go to Catholic school?  I’m damn lucky I live up to my advanced billing.  Everything about me, cosmically and spiritually speaking, strives to find an equilibrium, a balance.  My name is Michael, like the archangel that weighs people’s souls, you know with the scales, like the symbol for Libras, astrologically speaking, which I also am.  My Chinese sign is the Rat, another peacemaker who wants nothing more than to moderate all situations to keep things as peaceful and smooth as possible.  My Native American sign is the Raven,  a “messenger from the cosmos” that assists people with interpreting their hidden thoughts to help them heal, which is funny considering my numerical quotient is that of a spiritual counselor, perhaps because by seeing both sides of the coin, I can supposedly help you find your middle ground.  So, really to answer my first question, everything about me all points to the same end.  No matter what I believe in, I’m looking for nothing more than to help people, including myself, find some sort of a balance between their yin and yang in order to create order from chaos.

This should be comforting, however I am so mixed up at times, I feel like I’m waging a never-ending battle between good and evil in my heart and soul.

Am I the guy who nearly killed someone that fateful night as a teenager or am I the guy that saved someone’s life that night?

Am I the self-absorbed asshole that doesn’t let anyone get close to me or am I the “best friend that a person could possibly have?”  (Not my quote, but I’ve heard that before from quite a few different individuals)

Have I been a worthless piece of shit or have I just been waiting for something to truly fight for?

I can say that with all that I’ve done, all I’ve been involved in and all that I question myself about constantly, I do believe in me.  I believe the answer is out there and I believe I will find it.  I will never stop looking and I will never stop questioning.  I know I’m meant to be something or somebody of substance and I will continue to follow my path to achieving that, no matter how far off the path I seem to be, at times.  After all, what is the point of going through this silly, earthly existence if you don’t believe that one day you will manifest your destiny?

I believe in ME, and maybe someday, I can do something to make everyone else believe in me as well.

Can’t Sleep

Posted in drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, tribute with tags , , , , , on December 25, 2011 by unklehookd

I guess it’s official.  Now, I have a whole new addiction:  blogging.  Who knew diarrhea of the keyboard could be so freeing and intoxicating?  Perfect cure for insomnia.  I can sit here, without bothering anybody, without getting in trouble, and just spew out my thoughts without pride or prejudice, bopping to drum n bass at 4 in the morning.  I’m free to admit I’m lonely and I can dissect my thoughts, maybe to come up with a reason, and therefore a cure.  Maybe not, too, but one can always hope.  I think I have made a breakthrough, though.  As I was reflecting back. life flashing before my eyes, I came to a major milestone in my life, starting at age 10.  All constants in my life totally flipped my script.  In 5th grade, I was going to a Catholic school, being raised by a single mother.  Up until then, it was me and her fighting life alone.  As an aside, let me tell you my mother is one of my heroes.  While she was raising me, she also worked a full-time job AND went to school at night.  The proudest day of my life was when she got HER Master’s Degree.  But, this left me alone quite a bit.  I was about 7 or 8 when I first became a latch-key kid.  Then, at 10, we decided I should go to a different school.  I was a pretty intelligent kid, (Yeah, yeah, I know, another tragic tale of wasted youth), so we tried out a new kind of school, a Montessori school.  Progressive place, with classes on the floor, and our own little “environments” we created, complete with sofas and video games.  Upon entering the school, they decided I was far enough ahead of the curve to have me skip 6th grade altogether.  Since the place didn’t have regular class structures, I was put in with 7th & 8th graders.  For those of you that don’t know me, I’m short and baby-faced, or I was then, so I didn’t fit in, but everybody loved me.  I was like the mascot, I guess.  Anyway, the school year ended, and the school delivered a big announcement.  I wasn’t mature enough to stay with my new friends so I would have to repeat 7th grade with the class of 6th graders coming up, that the school deemed me “above and beyond” the year before.  Umm, hello?  That’s crappy for all of us.  Where did the love go?  About that time, in not so many words, I told them to go fuck themselves and switched schools again, this time to a regular, plain old public school.  I liked this place, normal kids from my neighborhood and classes I breezed through since I had already taken them last year.  That summer, my Mom married my Dad and we moved from Rockville, MD to Silver Spring, about a half hour away.  With that, came a whole new school.  Now that my dad was actually playing the role of Dad, he thought I should go to a school befitting my intelligence, so I got sent to a Magnet school.  For those of you who have never heard of that term, it’s where they ship smart kids into ghetto-type schools to gentrify them.  For instance, the year before I went there, there were a couple chain & knife fights.  Going to my fourth school system in four years and having to say goodbye to the friends I had just made AGAIN, I started rebelling.  The school accented math, science, and computers.  I came dangerously close to failing all three and decided to focus on shooting hoops.  After all, where better to learn how to play roundball, if not an urban blacktop?  I once played against Mugsy Bogues.  We were almost the same height.  That was great.  However, my academic standing wasn’t worth the trip to a different city, so off to the public high school by my house.  Five school systems in five years, between the ages of 10-14, while my mom was marrying my real dad.  I’m not making excuses, but this really isn’t the recipe for making long-lasting relationships.  Thank God I got to settle down, and be a Blue Devil, for a full four years, where I was able to make a couple friendships that still endure to this day.  This particular blog turned into a real essay, so in my next entry I will continue my hopscotch around the world showing that art imitates life imitating art or some shit showing old habits become hard to break.  Be back in a minute!

Momentary Interlude

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, tribute with tags , , , on December 24, 2011 by unklehookd

I’ve moved away from every binge I’ve ever been on, because I know I’m not inclined to chase anything, no matter how much it would be cool to have.  So, here I am, living in a retirement community, with a bunch of 70 & 80 year olds.  To pass time, I’m helping a buddy peddle a book on recovery, specifically his.  It’s keeping me occupied, to say the least.  I edited the first version of hhis book and we already have plans of setting up speaking engagements and starting up halfway house ranches.  I’m on some recovery bulletin board service, and all that blah, blah..,blah….  

Yet, all I can think about is the next time I can get high.

 I’ve done just about every drug out there and I’m tired of all of them.  They just aren’t fun anymore.  Truthfully, it’s more of a chore to do them than it is to not.  I’ve shaken, sweated, and lost sleep kicking them.  The appeal just isn’t there like it used to be.  When I’m doing them, the places I end up wouldn’t be mistaken for an advantageous situation, usually.  The girls blowing me can’t even keep me excited long enough to do anything but make me blue.  And BJs, esp. one from an enthusiast, are right up there in my top 3 things, on the planet, to receive!  And yet, the all-consuming thought is when can I snort my next line or smoke my next puff.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  Give me meth, coke, crack, heroin……..whatever.  Right now, all I wanna do is smoke a joint.  But, whatever.  Put it in front of me and I’ll do it.   I’m not into going to rehab; Fuck 12-step programs!  I know I’m lost, I don’t care.  I don’t know what to do.  I have friends doing stuff they would never do sober:  threatening to jump out of hi-rises, allegedly molesting children, dying, for Christ sake.  Truth be told, I have died a couple times, or so I’ve been led to believe.  This doesn’t fit in with who I desire to be now.  I want to be the guy that all my little nephews and nieces can look up to, and be proud of.  

I am scared I never will be who I should be.  

I am scared I already am who I am.  There is no one else that can help me.  

I might never stop wanting to be different.  

I may always be lonely and afraid.  

I may never be this honest again.  

If ever there was time for the hand of God to touch my soul, it is now.  I know that I am supposed to be someone that affects people.  Like a fallen angel, my power to inspire chaos is just as significant as my power to inspire love.  

I’m babbling, but I feel like an infant, so I guess that’s fitting.  

I want to be good.  What will I do?

Unsure where we’re heading……

Posted in life, memoirs with tags on December 20, 2011 by unklehookd

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but a friend of mine recently mentioned that, no matter what, I should tell my story.  I really don’t know who would care about my story.  After all, I’m not sexy!  I’m not rich!  I’m not famous!  But, after much consideration, I decided I would give the world what it wants.  In an age where there are no secrets, and everyone seems to need to know when I’m taking a bath, feeling sad, or whittling a wooden stake, I will comply.  So, world, here is my story, courtesy of Michael Joseph Gillen Feldman Feldenkris.  Hope it’s like Snickers & satisfies!

Well alright…..FREE to be ME!!!

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2016 by unklehookd

aaahhhh

 

Papa Doc, Y’all!

I think I’ve been waiting forever for this moment, not to be confused with the moment a few days from now (that I also have been waiting forever for), or even that one a couple days back (that, yes, I was waiting forever for, and so on, and such, and blah).

I am in constant evolution currently. I am not bemoaning my situation; in fact, I celebrate the opportunity.  The chance to truly not give one iota of a fuck about how anyone feels, but me, at this one moment in time, is freeing (and revolutionary) beyond belief.

 

I AM a clown. It’s no wonder no one takes you seriously. You take nothing seriously.

I AM a fool. Why wouldn’t one take advantage of such a sap? Grasping for people to give to? You deserve it.

I AM special. It’s about time you gave credence to your opinions. Act like it, bitch!

I AM not that far off. That, and a dollar, will buy you a paper. So, go or get gone….

 

Yeah, so as I write this, some drivel is playing on the television, a game show, with celebrity appeal, and money to burn……CELEBRITY NAME GAME, with America’s favorite drunken sot, Craig Ferguson!

The point is that one of the celebrity guests is Michael Ealy, Sprinbrook’s own, only a year or two behind me (91-92), but he’s showin’ and provin’.  I respect success, and that MF’er is out there, killin’ it!  (The Steve Harvey book movie, the cyborg detective, the bad dude stalker movie)  He is doing it.  When I was young, I would’ve loved to have been an actor.  And, the way he’s doin’ it, is the way I’d want it done.  Not much glitz, and paparazzi, but getting those roles, clockin’ those $$, making those connections.  He’s doin’ it!  Much respect, my brother….

Funny thing is the only thing in common these two had in high school was this fine young black sista, we’ll call her Koko B. Ware.  Success in a nutshell, hit it first.  Lone Ranger hit it best, enough to keep it kickin’ long past the dawn of that day.  She was one of the three most influential females in this MF’ers life…. Also the one that said ‘No’ to Hollywood’s Next Caramel Peace. Funny to be connected by that, but I root for the man.  BLUE DEVILS, YO!!!

Sidenote:  I root for her, too.  Much like my parents, I have, for years, blamed them for my problems, my actions, my reactions and my plight.  Koko, Mama, Poppop, all of you are off the hook (like you needed to hear that) OK, even if you didn’t know you were on a hook, you now are still off of it. 

I will always be his Uncle Mike, too.  SanDiego Alfredo, as long as I’m alive, I’m always here for you.  I feel like he is a part of me, too.  I love all of them.  I may have written ill of my love before, or spoken bad of her, or just overall been a dick.  But, I love my Koko.  I love her husband. And I love their baby!  That is what life is all about!  Getting through the muck, finding your own light, recognizing the one to share it with, and promoting through those vibes. Right?!? Don’t we want progress??? Or am I the stupid one?

Sidelight:  Capt. Caramel just helped this little couple win $20,000 on aforementioned game show.  Boo-yaa!

Good Vibes!

So, what’s the plan, tool?!?

Honestly, I don’t know.  Feeling mighty relieved, letting go of the stuff. 

ANGER:  Why?  DEPRESSION:  Why not? I’d rather blame myself than give anyone else something to kvetch over…

Save the drama fo’ yo’ Mama…..I Don’t Care Anymore………phil collins……..

Pleasure-seeking?  Is it the answer?

Even when I “sought” pleasure, it was never really pleasure I found.  Have I ever been pleased?

[Yes, yes, P, K, M, G, & ?]

But, in reality, what is pleasing?  No one is as they say.  You can hope for them to be the “THEM” they are supposed to be, but unless they are ready, they are not “THEM”  So, you are sitting, wishing and hoping, rather than promoting your own goodness.  What is goodness? What is good? What is bad? Isn’t that subjective?

NO!  Good…is good. Bad…is bad. Get a fucking dictionary.

No one will ever convince me that there is “no such thing as bad” when there are people who touch children inappropriately.

No one will ever convince me that there is “no such thing as good” when someone selflessly throws their body in front of a child, headed for a stray bullet.

No one will ever convince me that there is “no such thing as free will” when I know for certain that there is a very definite choice you have to make in your life.  Are you a sheep or are you capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong?  Pathetic, you need asking……

It must be so freeing to relinquish all control to the cosmos….and have no responsibility here whatsoever…..aaahhhh

I know of a person who says I don’t give them credit for what they know.  In essence, I agree. But how hard I it to understand the plight of one who blames their spouse, their parents, and their children for them not being the “THEM” they should’ve been.  Boo-fucking-hoo!!!!  WAAAHHHHH!

I’ve stopped making excuses for myself, so damn the idea that I’m gonna honor your excuses to yourself.

You picked the Wrong N&%%a to F%&k With, as my man Ice Cube would say….

Really, it’s the system.  It’s a no-win situation.  You strive to be accepted, to what you do not know, and when you feel rejected, nowhere left to go……..

FRIEND #88:  MMM (Well, ain’t that poetic? You can’t make this shit up…..)

I am soooooo tired….

 

Fading into a dream-like state;

Trying not to be swallowed by the void.

Losing my interest in this alien ant farm.

Remain in the hell you endear!

 

Kyrie eleison……mutha f^%kas!              108 *SPIT*

(I’m gonna go waft off into the darkness, with my main man Maurice White, of Earth, Wind and Fire fame sing me off to sleep with their righteous vibes)

Good night, all! See ya’ on the morrow, unless you happen to be musician #173 (J/K “Rings”)

 

 

I suppose it’s not “finis”….

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , on February 4, 2016 by unklehookd

Mother Feldman!  People suck!  I don’t give a fuck!  People care about themselves, their ideas, their friends, and last, but not least, themselves.  And don’t be fooled!  Their friends are “Me, myself and I” (from their perspective – Don’t be smart!)

Somebody’s gotta feel this…..(besides me and Kid Rock)

big corn-fed Midwestern ho’s…..Big Dipper……It ain’t braggin’, Mutha Fucker, if you back it up!  I DO

Am I really to think that I have no further purpose here? That notion is more than just foreign to me.  I have to try to affect change, if I’m condemned to be here.  I deserve to have things as comfortable as I can make it.  The hell you say! I don’t determine my stay here. If I’m here, it is for a reason. And people are just gonna have to listen, or cry, or accuse me of being manic, or drunk, or the maladie du jour.  Fuck you all!

It’s my fault for wanting to help people, with what everything in their being is screaming to be helped with, because they don’t really want the help.  Halfway through the metamorphosis, they realize that when they get that thing they think they so desire, they no longer will be needy, or wounded, or vulnerable.  And, when their shiny side shows, they have the depth of understanding to know that their shiny doesn’t hold a candle to their vulnerable.  What a fucking conundrum?!?!?!?!

 

WAAAAAHHHHHH!

Shut the fuck up!

Things I hate:  whining, self-congratulatory actions, egos (even my own), hypocrisy, elitism, judgment from earthlings, patronization, disingenuousness.

I might just be fucked for the rest of my life.  I can’t imagine being any more jaded than I currently am.  And if anyone was still clinging to anything that comes out of me, they would say, when you say I can’t imagine, then you’re bound to have to go through it.  I’m light years beyond that nonsense.  I truly can not imagine hating this whole predicament anymore than I currently do.  Everything that I have ever created all implodes into the same black hole of vacuous soullessness, which leaves me completely bereft. of any good feelings. 

Yet, if I am left to just taking care of me, and me only, what kind of existence would that be?  My apathy is world-renowned…..

 

Now I lay me down to sleep,

Soul’s right here; Yours to keep.

Nothin’ left for me to do ,

They don’t care here, neither should you!

MJF 108 “SPIT”

C’est finis!

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , , , , on February 1, 2016 by unklehookd

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4+8+15+16+23+42 = “LOST” numbas……

Posted in death, life, love, memoirs, parent, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2016 by unklehookd

It’s funny!  My fears are starting to rustle up inside me again today.

What am I going to do?

What am I willing to tolerate?

What makes me happy?

What part of me embarrasses me?

Do you even believe anymore?  And, if so, in what?

Am I protected?  Or am I just lucky?

I wouldn’t have even thrown this entry in, if I didn’t just see it was 3:33.  That reminded me of when I hit my clock earlier, right as it was displaying 12:34:56.  Seeing that time reminded me, while in good favor with the kundalini (the word that came to mind, although I’m not sure what it is, but I’ll know as soon as I’m done here, since I hate using words that don’t fit right), that I should do my taxes, so as to keep the faucet flowing in the right direction.

Talk about your mixed messages:  I figured my tax liability out, and for the first time, in quite a while, I found I owed this year.  Thank you, Harley Davidson & The Marlboro Man!  It gets weirder…….

Total tax liability (2015):     $222 (Balance of give/take; intuition; authenticity, true to self)

Total tax penalty (2015) :    $108 (1082, oh universe of checks & balances!)

Well, the “true to self” thing I would say I’m living up to.  Whether that is a good thing, or not, remains to be seen.  But, I would definitely say I’m repressing less and less of my true thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.  Here is another point of contention amongst the ones I’ve discussed this topic with.

There are those that say, “Keep your cards close to your vest.  You are dealt the hand you are dealt.  It’s not about the hand itself, it’s how you play it.  Tipping your hand can only serve to hold you back or assist in your eventual loss.”

Others say you should be free with the person you are, because you were made unique & special & you are meant to realize all your worldly accoutrements.  That’s the point of living on this plane. Without your own unique emotions, and thought processes, you are not really doing anything more than sleepwalking through this thing called life.  

For better or worse, I’m letting it all out.  I don’t have any obstacles, self-imposed or otherwise, in telling someone how I feel these days.  I’ve lost people over this, some for a bit, some forever.  But, this is not something to concern myself with right now, either.  If they left, because something happened that didn’t agree with me, or my sensibilities, then I don’t need those folks, anyway.  There’s a difference between finding someone to help fill the loneliness and grabbing whoever’s available to “bring in” so that I’m not totally alone. 

But, today, I’m not holding back, so that I can “make nice” with my surroundings.  So, I’ve not only felt freer to be me, I also haven’t been letting the usual suspects intimidate me into silence.  (I do understand that in defending myself, I have lost my primary source of income, but I’ve had occasion to ponder, often recently, what my life would be like, if I conformed, withdrew, and allowed my mood to be dictated by the whims of those around me.  Well, I’ve surmised, I’d still have a job, I’d still feel crummy going to work half the week, I’d be brought down as soon as I got there, at least a day a week, I’d feel lesser than I “could be,” for succumbing to a system that is not only flawed, but meant to suppress all involved’s ability to grow.  Not to mention, I’d probably just give up on taking any more chances, and slug along until Father Time beat me to death, leaving zero “footprint” on the world I called home for over 4 decades.

I don’t know what legacy I am leaving, if any.  But, the time for cowering is over.  The age of Reality is here.  I need to move forward, in a manner pleasing to me, without injuring anyone else, and without inhibiting my growth as a co-resident of Earth, for as long as I’m allowed to be here.

“To thine own self be true” –   Will.I.Am   (S&F)   (Shakespeare  &  Feldman)

Enema of My State

Posted in death, life, love, memoirs, parent, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2016 by unklehookd

Wow!  Been a bit.

Jesus! I sat down, thinking I have something to say.  Between compiling the publisher submissions, the editing of past works, the re-visiting of the expulsion of some of my past lives and a new pen pal I’ve acquired along the way, I may have thought myself out.  Discussions on the veracity of free will, poems, which if not for some of my Mike-ian  vernacular, could very well be written by an 8-yr old.  God, I hope not.  GO SEE KIDS!

Today was different.  I organized some shit, but really I didn’t do nothing.  You helped paint the living room.

True ‘dat!  I believe there is a first time for everything….

But, I had to slow down.  I am, what the “High Rollers” call, on tilt. 

It’s been exactly 3 weeks now of me having lost my job.  Somehow, I have managed to:

  1.  Replace the alternator, radiator, and some belt work in the car.
  2. Clean, and paint, and help brighten up my residence.
  3. Get in touch with the state, who have been holding “unclaimed funds” for me, and claimed ’em.
  4. Enlist in a “Stair Climb, ” AND climbed all the damn stairs (my legs, noodles, and well before the top)
  5. No training, no problem.  (Outside the obese, I was the unhealthiest person there. <9min –  (33rd/115 My heat)
  6. Raise $500+ for the Amer Lung Assn. Maybe it’s used so another 15 y.o. doesn’t get unklehookd on MarbReds
  7. Enrol in some meditation experiments. Cost=$0
  8. Create the beginnings of a Recommended Reading List, understanding I have to pick up reading again.
  9. Get back to writing.  So I can expel all the lunacy inside, in an environment less likely to commit me.
  10. Start working on a way to submit some old stuff from my closet and flood the system til I find a direction.

I’m glad I created this outlet.  If I don’t write it down, it’s not quite as solid.  And, looking at this, it is the most impressive reaction to a life-altering event we have ever accomplished.

Don’t forget the drinking, or the lack thereof……..Goes w/out saying, trumpeter. That list wouldn’t have been possible

But, good job, you little hot dog.  What are you, 5, Mikey?

Hate to bust up the love-fest, but there’s one thing you didn’t do and one thing you didn’t mention…

You know, I get the whole money thing is necessary, but getting up, and getting excited, and feeling that hunger for a new “job” doesn’t just regenerate that quickly these days.   I, with almost everyone, but especially in places where they pay me to be there, go into the relationship, only seeing the opportunities before me, not looking for anything to be amiss.  But, both of the last two jobs here in Seattle, have sucked the soul out of me, to a degree.  I put my heart into whatever job I’m doing, if I can just believe in you.  Both these guys did quality work, with quality materials, and quality workmen.  Seemingly stable operations.  But, maybe I had just forgotten, having been on such a long sabbatical from “businessmen,” at the end of the day, the one above me is always breaking his arm, patting himself on the back, and I don’t speak Egoese, so we never really understand each other, or our motivations.  I do hear the words coming out of their mouths, but all I hear is, “I’m gonna say whatever I say, til I’m done saying what I have to say, and it is what it is, ’cause I need it to be, at least,  ’til I’m done saying what I have been trying to say all along.  I’m the greatest!” (and all to a lah-de-dah melody……ugh)

Lot of introspection afforded today.  Lot of thoughts. We have to stop that initial blockade we have: Insta-BANG!

Going 200 mph, like I’m racing in the Purgatory 400 for my life.

I don’t want to look for another job to under-utilize me, over-exploit me and disappoint me once I’m invested.

Looks like you were right, MotherFeldman!  I do still have some residual, or maybe resident, anger. I do still have a chip on my shoulder.  I do feel I was right (and that plus a quarter won’t even get you a phone call)  I do feel like I still have something to prove.  To whom?   the fact that bullies get away with it.The things I did that angered them, were when I was showing initiative.  Like when I would work more than my scheduled hours, or help whoever was sitting near me (with mindset, more than wording), or keep track of everyone’s numbers so they know where they were for bonuses, and I figured out how to bring in more than anyone else on my playing field.  And the owner, and the GM, are so clueless to this situation that ……whatever.  I don’t give a fuck about them.  I was fucked, and that hurt.  PERIOD. And that’s all I need to realize, absorb, and POOF!…….Guess what? Better.  Still not too eager to look for a new taskmaster.

Well, we’re gonna need money from somewhere.  11:11.  Yeah,  we need a better plan.  We are way in over our head with the writing thing.  We’re gonna have to start small and grow, if possible.  Maybe P/T, in conjunction w/ 4+ hrs/day dedicated to the word.  Bills don’t equal much.  No social life to speak of.  Speaking of which, if this somehow fills in a circle of time and makes it back to here,  I do have a little side message. 

Fuck you, Sickly McSerious & you too, Strippy Sunshower!  I don’t even remember how much of my break time was spent listening to you howl about how shitty you always felt and how much you hated this, or how that person was so………something or other.  (Do you remember when you said the last straw would be if they all of a sudden got rid of me?)  Not to worry, I knew when you said it, it was horseshit.  But, I did, and I do, appreciate that sentiment.  I just don’t appreciate how neither of you could even respond when I asked you something (which had nothing to do with that place)?   I mean, who am I to ask for anyone to check up on me, to see if I’m OK, knowing Big Sexy was going for a killshot, doing this as my repair bill comes in and I have no hours logged.  No “Hey man, how’s it going? We’re thinking of you, or rooting for you. Not even a good luck, Ace”  FINE.  I am the worst at keeping in touch with everybody.  And, your livelihood depended on you returning to the Sixth Reich.  But, I remember to advise you when another healthy, charitable, social event rolled around.  No acknowledgement of receipt, no thanks.  Shit, tell me to fuck off, but don’t ignore me when I take the time, and waste the energy to speak to you.

I hope as time continues to remunerate you, for the time you served house-ridden, the less you will stay like that caricature and the closer you will become to who I know you really are.

And, Sunshower, my sweet little girl.  You’re probably the smartest one of us all, but I seriously hope you don’t keep letting everyone else lead you in circles.  You chase your tail, they watch you get dizzy and then tell you some nonsense.  If you stopped listening to everybody else, you would take off like a rocket ship.  Stop letting everyone else hold you back!  I know it’s tempting to hand over the reins, so when you fail, or go nowhere, you can alleviate yourself of all responsibilities and have someone to cast dispersion on, for your lot in life.

DONE.  The place hurt me.  The people who feigned interest hurt me.  Well, we allowed them to hurt us.  And, then, we allowed ourselves to feel it.  So……DONE.

Bigger fish to fry.  How do I get over myself?  How do I get around myself?  How do I go through myself?

This is going to come to a head soon.  The grace with which this situation’s been handled, while awe-inspiring, in contrast to the usual, but yesterday will always be yesterday.  And, something’s gotta give.  I can not honestly think that if I keep doing productive things, and keep a smile on my face, that some “angel from heaven” is gonna come down and help pay my bills.  I know it doesn’t work like that.  But, I’ve been living like that for a bit.  Riding the tide, staying upbeat, but running out quick.  And, we all are well aware of how we are when the well runs dry….

Now, remember, after the last couple “things” this last year, I distinctly recall saying that I don’t know why I allow myself to get worked up in these instances, because somehow it always works itself out in the end.  Well, we’re testing that theory.

WHAT IF I’M WRONG?  Is this The Mirror Conspiracy? 

 

Being that we all have probably 36 separate faces, it’s no wonder I never know who I am.  As a for instance, I might think the kind, mild-mannered gentleman is showing primarily, yet there’s a community center searching the alleys for Dirt McGirt, aka Weirdo McCreepster. 

 

WHAT IF I AM COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING?  ALL OF IT!  WHAT IF MY CONTRARIANISM COMES SO NATURALLY, BECAUSE I AM THE VERY DEFINITION OF WRONG?  

How can I always be looking in exactly the wrong direction as everyone else? Is that even possible?

You may be right.  I may be crazy.  It just might be a lunatic you’re looking for…….

DOES ANY OF IT REALLY MATTER? Depends on the mood.  I could go for ‘NAH’ right this very moment….Good talk! Amen. BANG, SON!

108!

 

Don’t know ’bout 60 secs from now.  KEEP actin’ right! AND BREATHE….!!

 

40 Flights and an Ass

Posted in life, love, memoirs, thoughts, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2016 by unklehookd

terror

“No Good Deed Goes Unpunished…..”

I can tell I’m going through a maturation process.  About 6 months ago, I found out I had early warning signs of an Alcoholic Liver Disease.  That frightened me, to a degree.   For as many trials and tribulations that I have put my body through, I have never had any major sicknesses. (I call it being blessed!)  Within two months, I had kicked that shit completely out of my system, as if it were never there.  But, my thinking had been adjusted for good.

I cut my drinking down, adjusted my diet (albeit ever so slightly) and I started looking for new hobbies.  What I came across, at the time, was a 5K run/walk.  Cool!  Exercise, Charity, AND out of my comfort zone!  How hard can it be?

I neglected to mention that besides not having major ailments, I  also have a good deal of coordination, and a competitive fire that burns strong, so I don’t shy away from sporting type activities.  As a matter of fact, I played rec softball and football my last go-round in DC. (See Below)

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Anyway, with new concerns arising, I jumped at the opportunity to do the 5K.  Being my first time, I figured I’d walk it, and I surmised it would be only 3.1 miles.  I can do that in my sleep.

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So, long story short, I got up at 7AM on a Sunday, went down to the spot, and entered the race.  At the halfway point, I was surprisingly a good deal ahead of the field.  Around this time, I started thinking, “Hey, I might even get some swag out of this deal, since the to 3 finishers get some sort of prize…..”  Unfortunately,  it was my first time, and when I hit the halfway point, I had such a lead that the water people thought I was doing the 10K portion, so they didn’t inform me that I was at the halfway point.  When I hit the 2-mile marker, I realized what had happened, and quickly U-turned.  So, I walked an extra mile more than the rest of the contestants AND finished dead last.  No biggie, got my exercise and contributed to a worthy cause (Lymphoma & Leukemia Society)  I was never in it to win it, to start……(or so I reconciled it with myself)

That night, I also had plans to see a live music show of a group that got their start in DC about 20 years ago.  My plans included this chick I did not know previously, but she liked Thievery Corporation also, so again being outside my comfort zone, I braced myself for possibly a good evening.  She stood me up, sticking me with the extra ticket, and while waiting, I missed my favorite cut.  Two for two…..

IN summation, I went out of my way to promote fitness, charity, and social interaction with a female, all set for one glorious, banner day, and all of it got blown up, in some way, shape or form.  The old me would’ve just said that this was a sign, and I should just go back to being me, sans putting myself out there.  But, the new me would not be deterred,……………….immediately.  Before I slowed my roll, five separate chicks ended up standing me up, in a row.  At that point, it’s got to be me, right? (Although I hadn’t actually met any of them, and only talked on the phone with two of them)

Cue to today:  Today, I signed up for a 40-story stair climb, in a downtown “skyscraper,” figuring I’d have no problem, since most of this kind of stuff is a mental game.  For this one, I even started actively trying to solicit donations, as a way of sponsoring my efforts.  I set a goal of $620 (I was under the impression that this was a 31-story building, hence the $620 amount), and then publicized the event, and then I just waited for the day.

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Well……..Three people who promised donations were unable to contribute, two of them not even responding the last couple days, so I ended up at $516.  My ride, after having checked with him on his departure time early this AM, simply left me.  And, not wanting to pay $8 for parking for a 15-minute routine, I jumped the bus.  But, the bus was late, and it was cold, and it was pouring.  So, I was soaked upon arrival, but not letting anything stop me, I was there with two minutes left before my scheduled start time.  After the first ten floors, my lungs started feeling prickly, my thighs were burning and I was getting light-headed.  This surely ain’t no walking 5K!  Lucky for me, I’m as stubborn as a mule, and I don’t have a QUIT factor, especially when it comes to playing mind games with myself to finish what I start.  So, I finished, like I promised those that did donate.  And, I did it in under 9 minutes!  I was shooting for 12-15.  Good for 33rd place total, out of 400 entrants.  (Not bad, Mephisto!)

Sidenote:  My goal for the 5K was just to finish under an hour, which I did do , even with adding the extra mile on.

But, then, all sweaty and out of breath, I had to go hail a bus home.  That one also came late, leaving me out in the cold again, getting soaked again and right after opening up all my pores to sweat.

So, for all my efforts at bettering myself, I came in last place in a “walking” event, got stood up by a bunch of chicks, who a few years ago, I might not even have the chutzpah to keep pursuing, and I probably caught pneumonia on my way back and forth to a gathering for the American Lung Assn. 

Isn’t that ironic, don’t ya’ think?!?

But, I still win.  Ten days ago, if anyone had asked if I was going to wake up early, on a weekend, to go climb a building (that I’m not going to see anyone in) and raise over $500 for a good cause, I might have just scoffed at them.

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Take that, Karma!  You’re gonna start owing me soon!

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