Request to my Fellow Bloggers….

Posted in life, thoughts, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2012 by unklehookd

Hey there, people!  I have recently been put in a position where I am helping three organizations market themselves through social media, like WordPress, Twitter, and Facebook.

Since quite a few of you have become cyber-friends,  (That makes me feel robotic! LOL)  I don’t feel embarrassed, at all, asking you to help me out by going to their Facebook pages and LIKEng them for me.

They are as follows:

Andalman & Flynn, P. C.

Health Insurance Specialists Inc.

Rock & Roll for Children Foundation

Thank you so much, bloguniverse, for helping out, if you can!  And, for anyone who is offended that I turned my personal blog into a shameless promotional forum, too f$@&ng bad!  LOL!  Love you guys and thanks again!

The Panther & The Rabbit

Posted in life, love, memoirs, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2012 by unklehookd

Back in the day, I was leaving Kansas City (for the second time) and moving to Denver.  Of course, as I was deciding to make this move, an absolute vision of a girl came to work at our KC office.  I saw her from across the office, about 5’9″, slender, long blonde hair, absolutely beautiful.  Turns out she was doing some modeling before she came to work with us.  With the knowledge that I was already going, and nothing I did here mattered anymore, I had a whole different set of cojones, so I asked her to spend my final day in KC with me.  I told her we could do anything she wanted, with the thought of taking her to the art museum in the back of my mind.  Funny, her first wish was to go to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art!  This was already becoming something I couldn’t rationally explain.  We spend all day at the museum, and as we were leaving, we happen across this sculpture of a panther and a rabbit appearing to be chasing each other in a circular fashion.  We stood there, enraptured, amazed, as we stared as this beautiful, sexual, sensual piece of art.  That night, I asked her to come with me to Denver, leaving all of her friends and family behind to come with me, a complete stranger.  I wrote the following poem, as icing on the cake of my invitation, and she decided to throw caution to the wind and go with.  Needless to say, this is one of my favorite pieces of writing ever!  Let me know what you think!

The predator stalks, unnerving the timid mound of flesh.

The prey cowers, praying for somewhere to hide.

The hunter nears, wanting to be understood.

The hunted blinks, stealing the beast’s attentions.

The panther attacks with a whirlwind of fury.

The rabbit defends with a jab to the soft side.

The earth becomes their stage,

Encasing their tribal dance.

Their spirits intermingle,

Circling each other wantonly.

The ultimate battle wages on deep within the shadows.

Love vs. Lust

Beauty vs. Beast

Woman vs. Man

The predator attacks, capturing the soul of the temptation.

The prey submits, capturing the heart of the demon.

The hunter penetrates, exhilirating every fiber of her being.

The hunted exhales, confirming the end of a journey.

The panther recoils in an attempt to preserve angst.

The rabbit exalts in the irony that is evolution.

Heaven becomes their mattress,

Enraptured in eternal eyelock.

Their auras become one,

Expiring simultaneously.

Perhaps the two should not have met, yet neither regrets.

Pain vs. Pleasure

Pleasure vs. Pleasure

Pain vs. Pain

The predator withdraws, freeing the helpless creature.

The prey folds, feeling a sense of abandonment.

The hunter rides off, carrying a piece of the haunted.

The hunted recovers, knowing that loss breeds growth.

The panther exits, likening the end of a brilliant day.

The rabbit reclines, wondering what the night brings.

The sun becomes their ultimate symbol,

Exemplifying contrast ‘tween darkness and light.

Their chemistries unite,

Housing their everlasting salvation.

Upon this magical interlude, I must not fear true love.

Me vs. You

You vs. Me

Me vs. Me

MJF 03/08/99  “108”

Jail, Dead,….or the delivery room?

Posted in life, love with tags on January 15, 2012 by unklehookd

Wow!  What a crazy day on the phone I’ve had today!  First of all, congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens for qualifying for the next round of the playoffs.  As you always play to the level of your opponent, it’s always interesting, but I appreciate the extra week of shoving it down my friends who are Steelers fans’ throats.  Choke on that, Unoffendables!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, ever since I quit working last year, my dance card’s been pretty empty, and I don’t really make phone calls since I lived on the phone for a good portion of my life.   But, as I said, I’m ready to get back to business, and you know what they say.  Throw something out to the universe, and it tends to throw it back to you, or something like that.

Well, today, I got hit with all ends of the spectrum.  I got a collect call from an institution I used to be a guest at, 2000 miles away (not from them, but from one of their new guests), a phone call alerting me that Papa Evil, my first magazine mentor had a stroke and is in a coma (it’s been one hell of a month in terms of deaths, and the like), and my true Crabby’s angel/devil dropped in for a visit for the first time in years after reading my last blog (Yeah, sure, OK, let’s have a baby together—-just kidding).   I guess the motto of the day is “Life is short!”  You can’t get much heavier than jail, near-death experiences, and baby talk.  I should clarify, she didn’t ask me to father her child, she just said I should father a child soon.  And, I agreed, acknowledging that my clock is ticking (I’ve only got about 30 more years, ya’ know).

This whole experience has been strange for me recently.  As a guy who hits town, and jets before the dust settles, I’ve mentioned how I’m not really the guy that keeps in touch.  Fuck, this blog would’ve never been in existence if I didn’t try to sell my buddy a book (Long Sleeved Summers by Michael Janflone –, just to have him tell me, “After 15 years, you show up and try to push this book on me.  How about telling me where the fuck you’ve been the last 15 years?”  HA!  Well, much to my surprise, between this blog and Facefuck, I’ve reconnected with MANY different players in the soap opera I call “Michael’s Song.”  I don’t know where that came from, I wouldn’t call it that, but I don’t believe in going backwards (except to correct spelling errors).  In the last month, I’ve run into “Shooter” from my teenage wasteland experience (who is now 11 years sober!  Fuck, yeah!), my ex-fiance, “CoCo” (who I wasn’t sure I would ever talk to again—we also talked about babies, with the shoe on the other foot, but I also got some of the kindest words I’ve ever heard from anyone, and they came from her mouth—blew my mind), half of the Vegas 7, many of the Florida Fun Bunch, a great deal of the Hillandale Posse, a couple of my closest friends I knew since I was 5, my best friend from junior high, and people I’ve known since I first started peddling magz for $1500/deal (unfortunately, in a setting that wasn’t quite optimal, to say the least)

Dale, I know you can here me, and I love you for everything you taught me, whether it was how to be or how not to be and I hope your suffering is kept to a minimum, whatever that entails—Peace be with you, Socrates!)

Throw in all the old faces, plus the fact that my family (the part that likes me) always gets me grounded again, and the death that’s swirling around me like an ethereal whirlpool (or tornado), that I happen to be right in the eye of, and I got myself a whole new way of thinking and being.   I’m actually adult-ish, for once.  I mean, let’s not get carried away.  I’m still a fool, but jail’s not somewhere I want to waste time at; death, while not scary, is not something I feel like doing right this moment; And, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t understand that the baby thing is coming up way too often to be a coincidence.  If either of you are listening, that means for you as much as it means for me, if not more so.  Take the plunge!  I know both of you would be awesome mothers, and you have nothing to fear!  Trust me and take it to heart, I know whereof I speak!

P.S.  I often take cigarette breaks in the middle of my blogs to settle down, clear my head, and start anew, just slower.  During this particular one, I just had a great idea!  One time only” offer:  I will abandon all my pre-conceived notions and drop any judgements I may have, and totally clear my mind if any female out there wants to step up and have me impregnate her on March 21st of this year.  Let me know, and we will usher in the end of the Mayan calendar with little baby Feldenkris!  Dah-da-da-dah (To the tune of O Fortuna, 1st cut on Carmina Burana, and anyone that knows me, knows how that goes!)

Anyone remember the final scene of Devil’s Advocate, where Al Pacino says to Keanu Reeves, “I have so many names.”  I think my version would be, “I have so many issues.”

One more thing.  At times, I have asked for responses from the gallery on certain issues, and I never get them, but I’ll ask away anyway.  Truthfully, I really do get them, just not in the multitudes I expect, or in writing, ever.  They always come in the form of a secret message, or a personal phone call, from one person, and one person only.  But, it is an answer nonetheless.  (Drum roll, please!)

My question for today is:  Which kind of post appeals to you more?  A story of a time I’ve lived before?  Or a message coming “out of the blue” from today?  I’m not saying I won’t keep see-sawing back and forth, but I’m curious to know what YOU get the most out of, because after all, this is as much for you as it is for me!  Take care, one and all!  Thank you for being there for me!  108!


Be me or Not Be Me? That is the question!

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs with tags on January 15, 2012 by unklehookd

I was reminded the other day, by an old, and very dear friend that I should ease up on some people because I’ve done things “my way, right or wrong, and had a freedom others haven’t had because they always do what’s expected.”  I think that’s why, to some degree, people tend to enjoy my posts.  At least the people who say something, because I only hear the good critiques.  For whatever reason, the people who find me objectionable don’t tell me so, which is cool for me, as that is the primary reason for my avoidant personality disorder.  But, that’s just the way I am.  I’ve said it before.  I’ll say it again.  The road I was “supposed” to take just never sounded appealing, and to tell the truth, I’m not sure it sounds any better now.

It’s such a conundrum.  Is it that once you have a taste of true freedom, going back to the “institution” seems too boring, and unimaginable?  Or is freedom just another word for nothing left to lose, like Kris Kristofferson wrote for Janis Joplin to immortalize?  Currently, I have nothing, but I certainly am not nothing.  I don’t know if I am even making sense.  Everything seems to be garbled up in my head.  I have fuzzy thoughts of the “idea of drugs” dancing through my head, yet knowing none of them bring the true satisfaction I’m looking for.  As a matter of fact, my mom asked me the other day if I saw myself doing drugs again.  I had to pause.  After all, my stock answer is, “I won’t go looking for it.  Searching, and hunting, and waiting just isn’t my thing.”  It’s not that being in dangerous situations is that big of a deal, but I hate waiting around for anybody, or anything.  It’s not in my make-up to sit in a car for three hours, waiting for someone to come home with what may, or may not, be an acceptable bounty.  I hate it!  I hate it when I’m doing it, I’d rather be somewhere else, and it truly isn’t that important to me.  Shit, even when I’m kicking, I’d rather be locked away in a house, flopping around like a fish out of water, rather than chasing somebody around town looking for a quick fix.  The worst day I ever had was when I was withdrawing from heroin, actually fentanyl, also known as “china white.”  I had nowhere to go, and it was a chilly, rainy day.  It was awful.  The chill in my bones was grating on every fiber of my being.  I couldn’t sit still.   And, I didn’t have more than a quarter in my pocket.  But, I surely wasn’t going to find a place to camp and wait for someone to come to the rescue.  I guess you could say I was chasing it that day, but I ended up walking 5 miles (in the cold rain) til I got to where I was going, which did have a fix at the end of the rainbow.  But, it was given to me.  I didn’t spend any money on it (obviously, if I didn’t have any.)  My buddy felt sorry for me, I believe.  If any of you have ever gone through any kind of opiate withdrawal, you know how hard that walk must’ve been.  But, to me, at least, it wasn’t waiting for something to happen.  I had a goal in mind, and I kept going til I got there.  Truthfully, I wasn’t going to stop til I got there, because there was a warm shelter there.  The shit was just a bonus!

But, that’s not the real problem anyway.   My mom even knows that.  She asks, “Well, what if it just drops in your lap?”

“C’mon, Mom, how often does that happen?”  I had to try some deflection, and just hope she doesn’t know that it happens all the time to me.  It didn’t work.  She kept pressing.  “What do you want me to say?  If I’m in a place where it shows up and it’s going to be there for a while, what should I do?  Should I leave the place I’m at, til it leaves?  Or should I watch everyone else do it and just sit there, sipping water?  Or should I enjoy the moment, reminiscing about days of yore, knowing that I won’t go chase it tomorrow?  I don’t think the correct answer lies in any of those questions.”  I truly don’t have a hankering for anything I’ve done before.  Cancel that!  I still want a joint, but that’s not a drug to me.  Fuck, on the left coast, it’s pretty much legal.  And, it’s the only real cure for the anxiety I constantly feel.  I used to joke that it slows me down to the speed of the rest of the world (which it does, but some people get offended at that explanation.)  Actually, most drugs make me relax, which I imagine, is why everyone likes getting high with me.  I’m not the guy who’s crawling around on the floor, or the one peeking out the eyehole, or the one thinking that aliens are waiting to harvest my organs and probe my anus.  I’m just like I am normally, except a little cooler, and a little more patient.  I wait my turn, am extremely gracious, totally unexpectant, and far from greedy.  Just please tell me when I’m on my last hit, so I can mentally prepare for it.  If it catches me off-guard, that does suck!

The real problem is:  Do I or Don’t I?  Currently, I am stuffed away from the rest of the world, with no hope of running into these temptations, but I am also bored out of my fucking mind.  I needed to clear up, for sure.  But, I’ve got to join the rest of the world (that is under 70 years old) at some point soon.  And, I can’t envision not doing anything.  Like I said, none of the drugs give me a desired effect, but neither does the thought of doing nothing.

There was one thing that was an adequate replacement.  During this last year of saying “Fuck you” to the establishment, I did spend some time being a manny? (male nanny) to my two nephews and niece.  And, when I was their sole watchdog, I refrained from doing drugs.  The fact I was a “speed freak” when they weren’t around didn’t help, as I was very tired when they were, but I loved the time I spent with them and I really didn’t even think of drugs.  Some of my most rewarding moments were spent watching “Kung Fu Panda” and “Toy Story 3.”   But, that would entail me finding a good mother for my children, which I’ve never been able to find, when looking.  And, I do fear, that if I found that woman, she would run and hide from the likes of me.   Not to mention, I’ve always felt strongly about not bringing a child into this world until I, and the world, was acceptable to rear that child.  I’ve just never seen myself as a father.  After all, I’m no role model!

I just don’t know.  Somehow, I have worked my way back into the employed population without fitting into that cookie-cutter.  I have two jobs, and one on the way, where they all let me live wherever, work from home, and report to a peer, rather than an authority figure.  But, how am I going to work my way back into society where I call all my shots, when I don’t even know which way I’m leaning?  My whole mantra revolves around balance, and I am simply not a quitter, so where does that leave me in the most prevalent question of all?

I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned!

Sin City! (My kind of town)

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs on January 8, 2012 by unklehookd

While I figure out what to rant on today, I will start off with a famous sports quote, “That’s why they play the game.”  My picks stunk, except as I am always trying to create a positive spin these days and I am a master of reading between the lines, I must point out that outside of the top seeds, I only have New Orleans moving to the Championship Round, so this week didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.  But, still, it was a crushing blow to my gambler’s ego.  Good thing I still don’t live in Vegas.  Betting there was just another part of the daily schedule.  Every Sunday, in  Vegas, consisted of waking up at 8AM, running to the casino to place the days’ bets, and on the phone by 10, to sit there all day, selling mags (at $1500/deal) and watching football all day, hoping to cash in both ways.

Man, I loved Vegas (and hated it!)  There was the main three, which I was one of, three of our homeboys, and then there would always be 2-3 other phone people, along with 2 secretaries, and, of course, Papa Evil.  We ran roughshod over that town.  When we moved from Kansas, we moved straight into a 3500 sq. ft. house with a pool table just upstairs and a jacuzzi on the back patio.  Papa had an indoor pool at his crib.  Sidenote:  If you ever watch Mars Attacks, the White House was his house, from the outside.  Anyway, we were obviously making money.  At that time, we were selling 75 orders/day, at a $1200 avg. package.  That’s $90K gross a DAY!  I, personally, was on top of my game.  I was capping over 200 orders a week myself and I had a 57% verification rate.  That was nearly $140,000 in magazine sales NET.  We were rolling so well, we hired one of our secretaries to also be our maid & cook for $400/week.  Yes, we were very stupid!  After work, Papa & I would run to the casinos to play blackjack.  A lot of times, it was all of us.  And when I say all of us, I mean the Vegas 7, three girls we brought with us from Kansas, one from Colorado, and a couple of the guys met girls there.  We were a regular entourage, but even if we all didn’t go, Dale & I had business to conduct.  He taught me the basic rules of blackjack, and he would bankroll me every night.  He would give me $200, and I would go off and play.  At the end of the night, I’d give him back his $200, and we would split was left, down the middle.  If I lost, I lost.  But, with this system of using someone else’s money, and the fact we lived there, so I could always go back to work the next day, I would win 4 nights out of 6 every week.  Things were awesome!

When the girl staying in my room went running back to Kansas, I set my sights on an old friend (from Kansas also).  See, I don’t like starting new relationships, if you don’t remember from my childhood tales, especially now that I’m bouncing from place to place.  But, Kansas, is the home of a few loves, and that’s what I do.  I’ll go try to pick up the pieces first, before I get out there and find someone else.  I’m still friendly with all the girls I loved before.  It’s the ones I fuck that I lose track of, if I knew them to begin with.  I was originally upset when I heard Marky Mark, or one of his friends, use my motto in a movie once, but he’s grown into a respectable actor, so I’ve learned to appreciate it, but “I don’t pay hookers to fuck me, I pay them to get the fuck away from me when I’m done.”  It might’ve been worded slightly different in the film, but you get the idea.  Anyway, I’m getting off-track.  I call up Kansas II, and convince her to spend her 21st birthday in Vegas.  Around that time, I find out my cousin is also coming to Vegas that weekend.  To make a long story short, that weekend (Fri-Sun), I worked at day, went straight out to the casinos right after, spent the entire night Friday & Saturday gambling and drinking with my cousin, the girl, her mother, her aunt, and her cousin and on Monday, I saw them all off, kissing the girl on the cheek and patting her aunt on the ass (she felt me up in the middle of the night), went to work with $3000 I had just won in Blackjack, bought a car at lunch, and ended that day with another 25 orders capped.  By the time I got home Monday night, I hadn’t slept in over 80 hours, but I’d say it was worth every wink! ;p

But, there was also the other night, where me and my buddy went into our third partner’s room while he slept, took our company checkbook, and drained everything out of that account, after breaking our own pockets, and ended up at Sam’s Town, sitting on a bench in the foyer at daybreak, with not a penny, splitting a beer, and not having enough gas to drive the two miles to work.  Calling Dale to come bail us out was far from funny, especially when he burst into laughter when we told him our plight.

But, the cities I like don’t ever last long.  After four months, of apparently not being licensed to work in the city of greed, we walked in to the FBI, FCC, FTC, ATF, and Vegas’ finest splitting us up at the door to keep us apart.  Another fucked-up sidebar:

The cop takes me to my desk, and says, “We wanna ask you a couple questions.”

“Am I under arrest?”

“Not yet.”

“Good, then NO, I don’t want to answer any questions.”

“OK, then you’re under arrest!”


Then, they proceed to wait for the cameras to get there, and march us out single-file for the press and take us around the corner, lining us up against the wall as if we were waiting for a firing squad.  And, this is the whole office, men, women, phone people, secretaries, all of us.  One of the girls was clearly agitated, and I asked a cop if he thought he could loosen up her zip-tie a little bit.  So, he came and made mine tighter.  Piece of shit!

And, it all boiled down to my boss not registering us and paying taxes.  We were making money hand over fist, in a city that’s built on money and all they wanted was their cut.  Then again, the city is in the middle of the desert, where they pump in oxygen to keep you awake, there’s tons of meth (for the same reason), not to mention the bells, and whistles, and bright lights.  You’re bound to stay up until you do lose everything you have, if you have an addictive personality, such as I do.  So, maybe, it was a blessing in disguise that we were kicked out before we got too comfortable.

Overall, though, much like my black jack play, and my football betting too, that year, I’d say my good outweighed my bad by about 2:1.  Viva Las Vegas!

Back & Better Than…sometime

Posted in drugs, life on January 5, 2012 by unklehookd

Time to post again!  Hooray!  In my new-found sense of clarity, I’m trying to adjust and become an all-around different person.  After all, the only thing constant is change.  You either change, and adapt, or you get left behind.  Adaptation is something that I have become a pro at.  Whether or not I feel like I fit in, I can blend into any situation, with any group of people, in any setting, much like a chameleon.  You can’t move around as much as I have without learning how to get along with a variety of different personalities.

My new mission is one of service.  I have often placed myself in a position of being there for people, one-on-one.  Ask anyone that knows me, and in our individual relationship, I am one of the best people they can have in their corner.  I don’t judge (How can I?), I listen well (I prefer it to talking) and I try to give them a way of looking at their situation in a manner which will be productive for them.  I am many people’s chief supporter, whether they want to be a model, a salesman, a parent, or just themselves til they figure out what they want.   Lord knows, I don’t know exactly what I want yet!

Sometimes, this retards my progress.  Where’s Mikey time?  I must apologize to those who do read this, as I haven’t posted in a couple days time.  Not making excuses, but I really didn’t have time to sit down and figure out what was on my mind.  I offered to do one friend a favor, that should have taken 30 minutes, and it took a day and a half.  Meanwhile, I am also trying my best to assist my Dad with a number of different things.  Problem one, he doesn’t remember what I tell him from one hour to the next.  (This is actually a good thing, because if I thought I was a patient person before this, I am going to be a saint by the time these tutorials end)  Two, sometimes he flips out and says that I’m purposefully giving him the wrong information (to mess him up, I guess.)  I haven’t figured out yet why he would think I would tell him something that would not benefit him, let alone try to derail his progress.  But, then again, my Mom said the other day that she wanted to make sure  I had good motives with something business-wise I was doing, because she didn’t want to be a party to me ripping someone off.  Thanks, Mom!  I admit I’m not perfect, and I haven’t always had my customer’s best interest at heart, but who would think that I would use my Mom as my accomplice?  As that lawyer said that day in court, “So, Mr. Feldman, what you’re telling us is that you are, admittedly, a liar and a criminal?”  Well, FUCK, I guess so, if my own parents still think so.

Just kidding, not to worry.  I’m not the same rebellious kid that shrinks off in the corner, and rubs my hands together (evil genius-style), thinking “Well, if that’s what everyone thinks, and that’s what everyone wants, then I’ll show them how bad it can be!”

Really, it just reminds me that there is a balance.  I do have to do for me!  I do have to do for others!  There is a happy medium where both can be accomplished!  Easy hourly mantra:  “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference”  Same shit, at it basest level!

It’s just so hard to think, when your brain is always in a swirl, your hearing is such that you hear every gopher taking a crap two houses down, and Al Sharpton is on my Dad’s TV, at a decibel level to rival the Rose Bowl, yelling, “What are we to believe, Willard? (What Big Al calls Mitt Romney)  You say one thing one minute, and next week, you’ve totally hopped the fence to the other side?  God bless us, merry gentleman!

Anyway, I’m back to blogging daily.  I’m obviously back to my normal obnoxious, opinionated self.  And, hopefully, I’m back to amusing those who have shown me so much support since I started this little adventure as an outlet, one not so dangerous as the other outlets I’ve stuck my fingers in, over the years.  You know, I could even see this blogging thing becoming a more full-time thing.  I’d rather go back to Seattle and jump off the I-99 bridge than go work for someone in an office.  At least on the bridge, I would get my just credit.  But, sitting here, spitting out what I live and what I learn can only be better and better for me as I get better at it.  And, of course, the better I get at anything, the better I provide for those paying attention.  Win, win!

So, back to the book promos as I have taken some time away from that, too.  But, for those paying attention, the press release just went out today so now the fine citizens of NYC and LA, be warned.  Mike Feldman is about to invade your lives, too!  Here I come!  Annie, get your gun!  Yee-haw!

GOD within YOU

Posted in life, tribute with tags , on January 3, 2012 by unklehookd

Where do I start?  New year, new possibilities!  Darkness abound, light conquering!

So far, this year has brought forth death, debt, and destruction.  Yeah for you!  Guess what?  I still win!

Without going too much into detail, do you know who I am?  Do you know what you are up against?  I’ve come across the most negative, self-serving, evil individuals, and spirits, you could imagine.  I’ve fallen prey to the greed, the arrogance, the selfishness, the ignorance.  Yet, I am still here and I still stand strong.  My father lies next to me, sleeping peacefully, as we silently jam out to Pink Floyd.  Those who I have hurt, I know you know that, even if you can’t forgive me, I do love you!  I have not been the best man, but I am a triumphant spirit!

“The kingdom of God is inside YOU, and all around YOU”

“Peace comes from within.  Not without.”

“Know ye not, that ye are gods”

I am not perfect, but I strive to be!  I am not good, but I hope to be!  I am not loved, but I will be!

You are not forgotten!  You are not forsaken!  You will not perish, unless you want to!

I am not an evangelist!  I am not anyone’s savior!  If anything, I lead people to their death!  I am a free bird, showing you how far you can fly!  You can go to the ends of the earth, whichever way you choose to go.  You can be as good as you ever imagined!  You can be as bad you ever imagined!  The choice is up to YOU!

I know that, even for me, this sounds crazy, but it is what it is.  You decipher it however you deem necessary!  Our love knows no bounds!  Your hate always leads to one finite point!  I wish I could tell this tale in a way acceptable to all, but unfortunately, this is a road less travelled!  You take the good, throw out the bad, and do with it as you will.  God bless you, one and all!  That is what is necessary for our existence!

I’m actually glad that most of you have already written me off as a criminal, a junkie, or as the literrati call it, “INSANE.”  Otherwise, this message goes unheard.  You don’t have to believe I know what I’m talking about; I don’t know  what I am talking about.  I type as I’m told to type!  I know this sounds like the incessant ramblings of a madman!  I am, for Christ sake!  But, if you can read between the lines, someone is speaking through me!  Whether or not you listen, that’s totally up to you!

I can’t possibly make you understand what you are being presented here.  I only wish that I come up and feel the light within me, so that I may shine it upon the world.  I hope to repress the darkness inside, so that you may never feel it.  And, I hope for you, the same.

Do not comment on this particular post!  It will serve no purpose!  Take it in, Let it out, and Be YOU!  You are good enough to give to the world and I am nothing but a scourge to those who use me as a pariah!  I have a sickness!  One of love, of hope, of encouragement, of support, of positivity!  This is not welcomed on our earthly plane; we welcome negativity, hatred, despair, and disparaging remarks, because that is what we have been taught to welcome.

All you need to remember is that YOU can do it, whatever it is!  YOU are good enough!  YOU do make all the difference!  YOU are the key-Open the lock!

I will be sitting here, in the corner of my padded cell, wondering, wishing, hoping that WE will be ONE before YOU realize WE have been apart!  108!

Gratitude + Belief = Fulfillment

Posted in life with tags on January 1, 2012 by unklehookd

As he we head into the New Year, Stardate 2012, you must ask yourself one question!  First, look into the mirror.  Don’t just glaze over your image.  Don’t look over your shoulder, realizing your image is before you.  Seriously, look into your eyes.  Not just a fleeting glance.  Look deep into your eyes, the windows to your soul.  Got it?  Are you really staring yourself in the face?  Ready to be honest?  The glass in front of you is 50% full, 50% empty.  How would YOU define the age old question?

I think I used to be a half-empty guy, but then again, I don’t know.  I’ve dealt with the most egotistical people you could ever think to meet, so when you tell them that something can’t be done, you’re deemed a negative person.  To some degree they are right, because I did get whatever they wanted done, but it was also not without fracturing the occasional law, or two.  I just had the ability to do those things, while limiting the collateral damage to almost unnoticable, but it doesn’t change the fact that if you do play the game within the boundaries, it would’ve been impossible.  Plus, guys like that will paint you as not only the guy who doesn’t believe in the power of positive thinking, but will also blame you for everything that goes wrong with their plan, thus further pummeling your self-esteem til you don’t believe in anything, including yourself.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been a half-full guy.  How else could I get through the arrests, death threats, close calls, ODs, and abandonments, both by me and to me, and come out of it all relatively unscathed, and smiling?  This is more than my “laugh so I don’t cry” philosophy.  I truly believe I will always be alright, I’m not that bad to begin with, and I will get what I deserve!  Just like you!  I believe that applies to anybody, and everybody, whether or not you believe it.  Positive ions beget positive reactions, as negative begets negative.  My cranky old father asked me today if I take for granted my intelligence.  When I said “No,” he asked why, oh why, then, am I not as well-off as I should be?  This is where the real problem started.  I asked him what his definition of well-off was, knowing damn well he was only talking about monetarily.  He (my Dad) is very comfortable, not having to worry about anything else in his life, and he is one of the most miserable people I know.  Unfortunately, even with that being the case, he doesn’t understand that I am not seeking to be in that position, in the slightest.

Don’t get me wrong!  Money’s great and it’s provided for a great deal of my creature comforts, but I don’t really miss it.  I barely exist, on paper, as I have not had a job the entire year of 2011, I never claimed unemployment, and I didn’t borrow more than $500 total, yet I’m still here, I didn’t shrink away to nothing (I actually weigh as much as I ever have), and I did quite a bit of drugs, without having to sell out, sell my body, or steal for it.  I did steal $50 from one of my best friends, and lost him because of it, but that was for food.  And, for that, I am sorry beyond belief.

My whole thing is, I have learned from all of  my trials and tribulations that I don’t want for anything.  I have more love given to me than any man has a right to have, but I have it, and I am grateful to all who are there providing it for me.  I’m grateful that I was resourceful enough to find food and shelter when I seemingly had nowhere to go.  I’m even grateful for all those people that provided free drugs so I wasn’t bored out of mind when I was uninspired to do anything else.  In other words, I am thankful for everything I have, or had, that helped me get to where I am right now, which is OK.  Happy, Beloved, Alive, and Able to express my gratitude to all those living here with me, in body or in spirit.

If I am able to gain anything else, monetarily, materialistically, or find my better half, I will get when I deserve to, keep it when I am ready to handle it, and cherish that because I have it then.  Until then, it is not NEEDED, to make me a complete, and happy person.

I LOVE ME!  I LOVE YOU!  And, just to prove the power of positive vibrations does exist, I will gain 15 pounds this year (which would be an all-time high), I will finish a 5K race in less than an hour this year (I am a smoker and a junkie, keep in mind), and I will help Michael Janflone sell 32000 copies of Long Sleeved Summers this year (and I have no idea what I’m doing as far as book promotions).  Just because!  I’m not really a New Year’s Resolution type of guy, but I’m going to do it just to show that WE determine what is, and what isn’t possible, and it is only up to US!  And, because I know it, I will do all of the above, barely breaking a sweat in the process.  And, I wish all of you the best in achieving whatever it is you would like to achieve this year!  Actually, not that I am officially out of hiding, and interacting with the real world, keep me posted on your progress.  You know I’ll be keeping you posted!

End of the Beginning of the End

Posted in life with tags , on December 31, 2011 by unklehookd

Unless the demons start screaming at me sometime in the next 7 hours, this will be my last blog of 2011.  So out with the bad, in with the new, just like the breathing exercises I need to employ when quelling my panic attacks, which I’ve gotten extremely good at over the last 20 years or so.  So, off to the races…..

First of all, HA HA, Fate, I made it!  Fuck you!  Haven’t you realized that I’m not that easy to kill?  This same thought has hit me many times before, on this date of year’s past, but I have been waiting for this particular year for a long time.

First, I’ll go backwards, with an attempt to explain why I need to put this year behind me.  Two hours into 2011, my most recent fairy tale came crumbling down.  Over the last four months of 2010, I was on top of the world, literally.  I was living in an apartment on the 24th floor of a 27-story building in Downtown Seattle with the Space Needle right outside my window.  And, it was all mine, except for the occasional girl bunking with me, escaping her abusive boyfriend, staying away from the normal Seattle elements that time of year, and of course, bringing me free drugs so that I could stay awake to continue my work.  See, from September thru New Years, I almost single-handedly brought in about $250,000.  The banks, the merchant account company, all of our friends and associates, not to mention all the drug dealers and meth girls were loving them some Mikey at the end of last year.  My bosses lived up in the penthouse on the 27th floor and we were well into a New Year’s party, when something told me to check the bank account.  At 2AM, chargebacks (also known as cancels) came rolling in.  I guess they were clearing their books.  Because only one person was helping me in the bringing in of the money, but hundreds were assisting in spending it, that destroyed us.  And, everyone wondered what happened when it came crashing down.  I do know of at least three people that escaped from the rubble, ended up in rehab, and are still clean to this day.  So, all’s well that ends well, for them, at least.

My road didn’t go quite as smoothly.  After we first got evicted from the tower in the sky, I ended up in a three-bedroom duplex with the roommates floating through, as if by revolving door.  Tried selling stuff over Ebay, tried selling drugs, Borrowed money from family.  None of it really worked out, and after my 20-hour days went for naught, realizing it could all crash in the span of three hours, I gave a quick finger to anyone even asking me if wanted to work.  All that money’s gone that I brought in????  Go fuck yourself.  I’ll be homeless, if you need a sign of my commitment to this cause.  The landlord of the duplex really only liked me by the end of our five month stay there, because I always told him the truth.  If I can’t promise you a date I can get you the rent, then I won’t even try to disguise that fact.  I don’t know when to tell you, but when I have it, you will, too.  Meanwhile, I am extending my meth addiction, borne from those 20-hour days in the tower.  I am now also giving birth to a heroin addiction.  There was one night we got the whole block sick, with the fumes from hydrochloric acid, and ether, wafting through our half of the house.  (Don’t ask!) I also woke up with a loaded gun pointed at my head, because I was not adequately protecting the house, and my friends, from undesirables.  Who are the “undesirables,” since none of them have ever pulled a gun on me?  So, when the landlord finally said, “Get out” I didn’t give me any argument.  At least, until everyone I knew left me there to deal with the six big, black guys that came bursting through the door, grabbing the furniture that was left and throwing it in the dump truck out front.  That was the last straw!  I huddled my shit in the corner, and physically stood in front of it, and said “I’ll take my shit out to the curb myself!”  My landlord, impressed that I stayed til the very end, even though everyone abandoned me, let me “squat” there over the weekend, where I cleaned up the parts of the house that I could.  There were like 10 new holes in the walls that I didn’t do anything about, but I did my best, otherwise and I have to believe, we parted on as good of terms as possible.

One of my last nights there, I had the company of this little 21-yr old girl.  I was actually there about a week by myself, and every night, like clockwork, around 2 or 3 AM, she’d show up and hang out with me the rest of the night.  The last night I saw her, I had probably been up for about 3 or 4 straight nights, so after she fucked me to sleep, she stole my buddy’s BMW 7-series right from under me.  I could not believe how stupid, or lonely, I was.  I was as easy of a mark as you can be.

After that, she went to jail and I hit the streets.  I, being as stubborn as I am, still refused to go get a job and, as I mentioned, summer in Seattle is beautiful.  So, I was now homeless, too.  I had three people’s places that I could crash at every once in a while, and if I was out, I’d just walk the streets at night to avoid being ass-raped in some alley.  Really, it wasn’t that bad and I was never in real danger.  Money and food appeared when I needed it, including one of the best meals I had being served under a highway off-ramp by a group of restaurant owners who felt sorry for the disenfrachised.  It really was a great meal, including soup, salad, dessert.  I was amazed.

And the rest of the story, you may have already caught on earlier posts, so now, on to why 2012 is so eagerly anticipated by me, anyway.  As you guys know, I’m into all that magical, mystical shit, believing we all have powers we just don’t know how to fully tap into.  With that being said, something’s gonna change this upcoming year, I believe that.  Not necessarily mass destruction, but a global change of some sorts.  Many know of the Mayan prophecies because there’s so much press on their calendar ending on December 21st.  The fact that the Earth, Sun, and Center of the Milky Way will all be in complete alignment on that day, has to mean something.  (That makes me wonder about the tides)  That only happens every 25,630 years, so I wasn’t around to find out what happened last time.  Throw in the fact the I-Ching, and Cherokee lore, mentions the same end date, and maybe it’s more than coincidence.  The Egyptian calendar also ends in 2012.  The Aztecs, the Hopi, the Pueblo Nation, Hindus, Zulus, Maori tribesman, The Incans (Peru is back on!), and Tibet (home of the fuckin’ Dalai Lama, bitches!) all say the year 2012 is going to be something special.  Of course, this is just another thing to take the focus off myself, I’m sure some of you are saying

Really, no matter what happens, we all need something to believe in and that’s truly what New Year’s is all about.  It’s one of those landmarks throughout the year where everything you’ve ever done washes away and you get a do-over.  A chance at a new start, a chance to try new things, a chance to be better than you were before.  So, GOOD LUCK, my friends and like my friend, Bob Gannon, once told me, Cheer up, things could be worse!  So, I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse!  Love you all and see you in the Golden Age!

Brain Salad Surgery

Posted in life, memoirs, Uncategorized with tags on December 28, 2011 by unklehookd

Started early tonight.  I don’t know if I’m gonna spit out one story, or go into a litany of different adventures.  One of my many brain disorders besides the anxiety, depression, bipolarity, addiction and avoidant personality disorder, is that I always have a million things swirling around my brain at the same time.  I used to say I had ADD or ADHD, but it’s not just that I have a short attention span.  I don’t jump from topic to topic.  They’re all in there together, getting in each other’s way, jumping up to say “Hey,” sometimes even merging together incestuously until I just look like a jumbled-up, crazy mess.  That’s what you see from time to time.

Aha!  I believe I just found my topic du jour.  I’ve been chopping up my heart and soul over the last week, so today, boys and girls, we’re going to dissect the brain of a madman-Michael J Feldman, or is it Gillen, or Feldenkris?  (No wonder I have issues, if I don’t know who I am really)

When I was about 5, I started getting stomach-aches pretty regularly, so I was sent to my first psychiatrist.    I don’t blame my mom.    Who knows what to do?    But, who goes to a psychiatrist age 5?   ME.   Aren’t you paying attention?  I did like that particular doctor so I started baking cookies, calling them “Mike’s Delights” and selling them to him for $5/bag.  Hey, he was charging my mom like $75-90/hr.  But, I did learn an important lesson.  Doctorate or not, everyone is susceptible to getting distracted, if approached the right way.

As previously mentioned, I don’t stick with anyone, or anything, very long.  So, I bounced from doctor to doctor, all of them looking for the reason I was who I was, while I was looking for the reason this person couldn’t help me.  After all, I haven’t even admitted anything was wrong with me yet.  I can’t get to sleep because I’m anxious.  I can’t wake up because I’m depressed.  And, I’m mixed up because I’m always flip-flopping from one side of the spectrum to the other.  Blah, blah, blah…..

[As a funny sidenote, I did find an accurate diagnosis of myself a few years ago.  That’s how I know I have an “avoidant personality disorder.”  It totally explains my apprehension towards joining social circles, because deep down I have a fear of rejection and criticism.  There’s a bunch of other things, too, but I won’t bore you with my amateur psychoanalysis.  The funny thing is that the way you treat someone with this disorder is through therapy, both individual and group, but people with this disorder won’t go to therapy because their whole thing is about avoidance.  HA!  Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya’ think?]

So, I start bouncing from shrink to shrink, because honestly, I don’t like most of them and I don’t have faith in their abilities since I can see right through half of their tactics, even at ages 7, 10, 12, and 16 and so on and so on.

There was this one guy who was my all-time favorite.  We’ll call him Dr. Quack.  I was taken to him after an all-night party (that no one knew I was at) where I ingested a half and half mixture of Sprite & Vodka out of a “Big Gulp” cup.  Somehow, I was still standing and relatively cool, so no one knew any better.  This guy was an actual psychiatrist, as opposed to a psychologist, so he drew some blood to detect what kinds of meds they could get me hooked on.  Or at least he tried to.  When he pulled the plunger back, the liquid filling up the chamber was all this clear, but milky, yellowish type liquid.  I don’t know what plasma looks like, but that’s what came to mind.  A plasma/vodka blend that clearly monopolized the pathway my blood was supposed to flow through.  He exclaimed, “It can’t be.  It is not possible.” in a thick Trinidadian accent I won’t forget soon.  So, he took another vial, which did have a pinkish hue by the end of it.  Then, came his expert analysis.  “You clearly (excuse the pun) have a chemical imbalance.”  Yeah, I’m floating in Vodka, dipshit!  He prescribes me some medicine, which I can’t remember, since I flushed every pill down the drain, one day at a time.  Whatever it was, I wasn’t allowed to mix it with drugs and alcohol, so I wasn’t gonna take that shit.  The best part is still yet to come.  I went back a month later, without the party the night before, where the blood drawn actually looked like blood, and he said happily, “You see, it is working.  We are on the right track!”  He looked puzzled when I started laughing.

“You fucking quack, I haven’t been taking those pills at all.  I knew you were full of shit.”

This guy, this “medical professional,” then caught me by surprise.  He fucking exploded.  “YOU…..ARE A MENACE…TO SOCIETY!!!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  My pleasure, asshole!

All in all, by the time I was done, I had gone to a dozen different psychologists, psychiatrists and priests to cure my ills.  Well, I’m still fucked up and two doctors and one priest quit their professions, which I’m sure they spent a lot of time and effort on, after meeting me.  I used to take pride in that fact.  After all, I had won, at the time.  In retrospect, I’m not sure anyone won that battle.

In the end, I am what I am and that’s all there is to it.  For better or worse, I’m the one that has to live with myself 24 hours a day, so the only one that can help whatever adjustments need tweaking in my brain, is me.  And people wonder why I look to the stars and numbers and spiritual stuff for help.  The answer could be anywhere!

With that, my horoscope said just today, “Everyone, in their own special way, is weird — and that certainly includes you! It’s high time for you to admit to it. Trying to fit in with whatever you think is ‘normal’ will only be a pointless waste of time. What you really need to do is embrace your idiosyncrasies. Don’t shy away from feeling odd or out of place. Because not being like everyone else is what makes you unique. No one else has the irresistible combination of sense and nonsense that you have. Celebrate it!”

AMEN and Halleluah!

What to believe in?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 26, 2011 by unklehookd

Let me preface everything with the fact I am bipolar, or at least I have tendencies towards extremism.  How can I not have conflict when I’m probably one of the only Jews to go to Catholic school?  I’m damn lucky I live up to my advanced billing.  Everything about me, cosmically and spiritually speaking, strives to find an equilibrium, a balance.  My name is Michael, like the archangel that weighs people’s souls, you know with the scales, like the symbol for Libras, astrologically speaking, which I also am.  My Chinese sign is the Rat, another peacemaker who wants nothing more than to moderate all situations to keep things as peaceful and smooth as possible.  My Native American sign is the Raven,  a “messenger from the cosmos” that assists people with interpreting their hidden thoughts to help them heal, which is funny considering my numerical quotient is that of a spiritual counselor, perhaps because by seeing both sides of the coin, I can supposedly help you find your middle ground.  So, really to answer my first question, everything about me all points to the same end.  No matter what I believe in, I’m looking for nothing more than to help people, including myself, find some sort of a balance between their yin and yang in order to create order from chaos.

This should be comforting, however I am so mixed up at times, I feel like I’m waging a never-ending battle between good and evil in my heart and soul.

Am I the guy who nearly killed someone that fateful night as a teenager or am I the guy that saved someone’s life that night?

Am I the self-absorbed asshole that doesn’t let anyone get close to me or am I the “best friend that a person could possibly have?”  (Not my quote, but I’ve heard that before from quite a few different individuals)

Have I been a worthless piece of shit or have I just been waiting for something to truly fight for?

I can say that with all that I’ve done, all I’ve been involved in and all that I question myself about constantly, I do believe in me.  I believe the answer is out there and I believe I will find it.  I will never stop looking and I will never stop questioning.  I know I’m meant to be something or somebody of substance and I will continue to follow my path to achieving that, no matter how far off the path I seem to be, at times.  After all, what is the point of going through this silly, earthly existence if you don’t believe that one day you will manifest your destiny?

I believe in ME, and maybe someday, I can do something to make everyone else believe in me as well.

Can’t Sleep

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs with tags on December 25, 2011 by unklehookd

I guess it’s official.  I have a new addiction:  blogging.  Who knew diarrhea of the keyboard could be so freeing and intoxicating?  Perfect cure for insomnia.  I can sit here, without bothering anybody, without getting in trouble, and just spew out my thoughts without pride or prejudice, bopping to drum n bass at 4 in the morning.  I’m free to admit I’m lonely and I can dissect my thoughts, maybe to come up with a reason, and therefore a cure.  Maybe not, too, but one can always hope.  I think I know the reason.  I was reflecting back on my sordid life and at age 10, I started destroying all constants in my life.  In 5th grade, I was going to a Catholic school, being raised by a single mother.  Up until then, it was me and her fighting life alone.  As an aside, let me tell you my mother is one of my heroes.  While she was raising me, she also worked a full-time job AND went to school at night.  The proudest day of my life was when she got HER Master’s Degree.  But, this left me alone quite a bit.  I was about 7 or 8 when I first became a latch-key kid.  Then, at 10, we decided I should go to a different school.  I was a pretty intelligent kid, (Yeah, yeah, I know, another tragic tale of wasted youth), so we tried out a new kind of school, a Montessori school.  Progressive place, with classes on the floor, and our own little “environments” we created, complete with sofas and video games.  Upon entering the school, they decided I was far enough ahead of the curve to have me skip 6th grade altogether.  Since the place didn’t have regular class structures, I was put in with 7th & 8th graders.  For those of you that don’t know me, I’m short and baby-faced, or I was then, so I didn’t fit in, but everybody loved me.  I was like the mascot, I guess.  Anyway, the school year ended, and the school delivered a big announcement.  I wasn’t mature enough to stay with my new friends so I would have to repeat 7th grade with the class of 6th graders coming up that the school deemed me superior to the year before.  Where did the love go?  So, in not so many words, I told them to go fuck themselves and switched schools again, this time to a regular public school.  I liked this place, normal kids from my neighborhood and classes I breezed through since I had already taken them last year.  That summer, my Mom married my Dad and we moved from Rockville, MD to Silver Spring, about a half hour away.  With that, came a whole new school.  Now that my dad was actually playing the role of Dad, he thought I should go to a school befitting my intelligence, so I got sent to a Magnet school.  For those of you who have never heard of that term, it’s where they ship smart kids into ghetto-type schools to gentrify them.  For instance, the year before I went there, there were a couple chain & knife fights.  Going to my fourth school system in four years and having to say goodbye to the friends I had just made AGAIN, I started rebelling.  The school accented math, science, and computers.  I came dangerously close to failing all three and decided to focus on shooting hoops.  After all, where else to you learn how to play if not an urban blacktop.  I once played against Mugsy Bogues.  We were almost the same height.  That was great.  However, my academic standing wasn’t worth the trip to a different city, so off to the public high school by my house.  Five school systems in five years, between the ages of 10-14, while my mom was marrying my real dad.  I’m not making excuses, but this really isn’t the recipe for making long-lasting relationships.  Thank God I got to settle down at Springbrook for a full four years, where I was able to make friendships that still endure to this day.  This particular blog turned into a chapter, so in my next entry I will continue my hopscotch around the world showing that art imitates life imitating art or some shit showing old habits become hard to break.  Be back in a minute!

Momentary Interlude

Posted in drugs, life, memoirs with tags on December 24, 2011 by unklehookd

I’ve moved away from every binge I’ve been on because I’m not inclined to chase anything.  I’m living in a retirement community with a bunch of 70 & 80 year olds.  I’m helping me buddy peddle a book on recovery.  We have plans of setting up speaking engagements and starting up halfway house ranches.  I’m on a recovery bulletin board service.  And all I can think about is the next time I can get high.  I’ve already done just about every hard drug there is and I’m tired of all of them.  They aren’t fun anymore.  Truthfully, it’s more of a chore to do them than to not.  I’ve shaken, sweated, and lost sleep kicking them.  I don’t know what the appeal is anymore.  I don’t like where I end up when I’m doing them.  The girls sucking my dick for a hit don’t even excite me.  And I love blow jobs!  And yet, the all-consuming thought is when can I snort my next line or smoke my next puff.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  Give me meth, coke, crack, heroin……..whatever.  Right now, all I wanna do is smoke a joint.  But, whatever.  Put it in front of me and I’ll do it.   I’m not into going to rehab; Fuck 12-step programs!  I know I’m lost, I don’t care.  I don’t know what to do.  I have friends doing stuff they would never do sober:  threatening to jump out of hi-rises, allegedly molesting children, dying, for Christ sake.  I, myself, have died a couple times, or so I’ve heard.  I want to be the guy that all my little nephews and nieces can look up to and be proud of.  I am scared I never will be who I should be.  I am scared I already am who I am.  There is no one else that can help me.  I might never stop wanting to be different.  I may always be lonely and afraid.  I may never be this honest again.  If ever there was time for the hand of God to touch my soul, it is now.  I know that I am supposed to be someone that affects people.  Like a fallen angel, my power to inspire chaos is just as significant as my power to inspire love.  I’m babbling, but I feel like an infant, so I guess that’s fitting.  I want to be good.  What will I do?

Unsure where we’re heading……

Posted in life, memoirs with tags on December 20, 2011 by unklehookd

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but a friend of mine recently mentioned that, no matter what, I should tell my story.  I really don’t know who would care about my story.  After all, I’m not sexy!  I’m not rich!  I’m not famous!  But, after much consideration, I decided I would give the world what it wants.  In an age where there are no secrets, and everyone seems to need to know when I’m taking a bath, feeling sad, or whittling a wooden stake, I will comply.  So, world, here is my blog, courtesy of Michael Joseph Gillen Feldman Feldenkris.  Kiss my ass!

My Irrational Love For………..Kylie Jenner…

Posted in life, love, sex, thoughts with tags , , , on November 28, 2015 by unklehookd

I have often come crying for young Ms. Jenner, beckoning to the heavens for someone to be a light for her.  She has a “Momager,” not a Mom.  She has a “Mom,” not a Dad.  Add in the KKK pornhub, and a super-model in the making, elder sister, and what are you left with?

I’m not going to bemoan your situation, but shit, who got the wrong end of that stick?

I would leave it at that, but you and I do have the same thing in mind.  You are building the perfect model, like in the same way I would.  It makes this whole experience very creepy.  You just turned 18.  And you are close to what I want, implicitly.  I am not trying to shame you (I understand your feelings of inadequacy), but please let me show these just to make a point.  I promise I will not do it any way to make you look bad.


The one on the right is almost, to a tee, what I would concoct in Dexter’s Laboratory.  I seem like such a douchebag, because you should’ve never been so ashamed of lefty.  I am Jack’s angry bile duct!

Seriously, and thank God this (my blog) doesn’t spread like a virus, but you were A-OK before.  I’m a piece of whatever too.  I never felt good enough, strong enough, alive enough to measure up to “them.” I am told I should not feel sorry for you, because you have everything you could ever want, from the cars, to the loot, to the fame.

I really don’t know why you, of all people, are the one that makes me nuts.  But, ever since I heard about you, I’ve been on your side. #NULO (And I know you don’t think you’re an underdog, because you’re a champion, but you have to take in all perspectives) (Wink face)

This whole thing is stupid.  No one will hear you.  Does that take away the importance to share?






Kylie, please stop……..I know I’m just an old, curmudgeonly, plain white dude, but trust me, sister, you are good enough.  You’re beautiful!  You are on the way to losing your soul.  You can be better than all of ’em, if you want.

But, then again, who the FUCK am I?

(Someone on YOUR side)

#NULO – *Amber Alert*

Posted in Uncategorized on November 21, 2015 by unklehookd

1 2 : 3 4   1 1 / 2 1 / 2 0 1 5

“The hoarding of knowledge, or information, may be an act of tyranny, camouflaged as humility,”  -Robin Morgan

“I like kids, man.  They all eager to show you what they just learned.  Adults, they be like this is what I know, and you know that shit ain’t e’en right half the time.  Pshhttt…”  -Stick Diamond


This feels like a whole new book, totally separate from the previous writings.  There’s a whole different feel to me.  There’s a finisher facet to me these days.  I did move back to Seattle, as a homeless citizen, (completing the circle left unfinished back on Halloween of 2011) and worked my way up to being a conscientious bill-paying one.  I certainly didn’t do this completely alone, and I was not the one who spear-headed the effort, but nonetheless, here I AM.

The mental health system sucks.  I asked for help.  They offered bureaucracy and 2nd opinions (so they  could collect an extra hourly check from the insurance company).  I spent my time (2x), gave an honest assessment, truly sought for something and I hate to say it, but if crazy isn’t off the train, you were warned.

In the spirit of funny all-time streaks, I have been stood up on 5 separate occasions over the last 6 weeks, by 5 different women.  Doctorate students, friends, professionals, ranging in age from 22-42, women that I had a great conversation with, either via messaging, or over the phone.  Again, honesty was my policy, mixed with a touch of my kind of humor.  A live music show, wings and a beer, a pool match, a shopping trip, venue didn’t matter.  From A to Z, everything was different every time, except for one thing.  I was the only one planning to go.  Truly unbelievable.  I figure I have to be that much closer to finding one, and I’m extremely proud of the way I’ve handled it.  At many points in my life, this would have absolutely destroyed me.  I’ve been really cool considering I may be alone for the rest of my life.

I have had an unnatural attachment with one girl, though.  I don’t know what we’re trying to be, but we grew together like a lightning bolt.  One day, we were acquaintances, who may or may not have said, “Hi” on any given day, and then we started hanging out on breaks.  We have this level of comfortability I’m not used to.  I feel totally comfortable when she’s around.  No pressure, no anger, no minor irritations.  I know they will come with time, but she is a welcome relief from my norms.  And, I think, I provide her a little of that myself.  Before we had hung out for a week straight, she left  her boyfriend of 4 years.  She is unfazed by it, for the most part.  She’s a young girl, but an old soul.  She’s been to the rodeo and small stuff doesn’t unnerve her.  But, I do believe that I have helped her ease in to her new situation.  My goal is to help her not need a dude.  She’s basically company for me, and a female perspective to help me in my pursuits.  I’ve even outlined how I can help her, building the perfect beast, helping her claim her independence, and God willing, maybe help me clear up a little karmic debt.  That was the plan, but, “The best laid plans……..”

The only way this is gonna work is if she truly wants this (she does seem to want to be her own person), she does what she’s told to do (she follows directions), and if this whole thing is not just used as a ploy to get in her pants.  It must be altruistic in nature, for the good of her, over all.  But, the Law of Opposition is always at work.  I even laid it out in my outline.

DO NOT FUCK HER!  Besides screwing up the entire fabric of what we are trying to accomplish for her, I can’t see it being the right move.  She’s half my age, off drugs for 3 years or so, just like Bernard way back when (22/3)….

I don’t want to ruin her.  She has this youthful exuberance, at times, and an child’s innocence about her.  (Now, I always see that side at first.  She very well may have taken on the entire high school’s football team one drunken night.)  But, I don’t want to inject my negativity into her.  Small doses of me are much better for her well-being, and I think I’m on to something here.  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll get mine, too.  But, right now, this one needs to be handled this way.  I know it.  They say, “Always trust your gut.”  That’s what I’m doing.

One problem. That Law.  You can’t just make a declaration, to others or to yourself, and not expect that very temptation to surface almost immediately.  We start basically spending every day together for a spell, just relaxin’, sharin’ our days, and Bs’ng.  Just hanging out together.  Every day, one starts noticing how much, or how little, they really like the other.  Well, I find myself falling more and more in love with her every day.  And, I can’t do anything to stop it.  It just feels right when we’re together.  I feel good with her around me.  The other stuff is not that big a deal anymore.  I care about her and what she wants.  Maybe I’m always this much of a pussy, but I don’t think so.  I think I’m generally a dick to girls I’m around.  But, between my friend’s sickness, my Dad’s death, my prodigal son-like banding with the Feldmans (over Sis & Dad’s events), and my reunion with my Sea-phews, I can easily put myself at furthest consideration.  I am an excellent server!  But, I can’t serve her the whole menu.  Or can I?

It doesn’t feel right.  And, forget the adolescent fear.  I could get around that with her.  It would be fun, and laughy, and all afternoon, and awesome.  WAIT!  STOP

It doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.  To who?  You just don’t want to be publicly rejected by another young girl because it might just kill you.  Merry Fucking Christmas if you blow this one out of the water.

She had the gumption to leave her man, move out, and in with Mom and step-Dude she’s known half her life.  (He showed up as she was just starting up her teenage years.  Nice and confusing.  God, everyday, I notice something like this.  We are so much alike, in so many deep ways.  This whole relationship started because you saw her getting bullied, and made fun of, and you weren’t gonna stand for that.  Now, the final father figure at home showing up at 12.

No underdog left outnumbered.  (And it doesn’t have to be forceful or argumentative.  Comment here, knowing side-wink there, bing, bang, boom, no feelings hurt, they barely knew what was happening.  But, they don’t talk shit about her anymore, behind her back, or otherwise)

I live to fight for the little man, the one who’s very proficient, yet under-appreciated, and pushed around.  Nobody should be getting bullied anymore, not by our fellow people.  I choose to be a champion for the Underdog



Strangers On A Plane

Posted in life, love, memoirs, sex, thoughts, travel with tags on February 7, 2014 by unklehookd

The night was frigid and snowy.  I walk across to the plane taking me back “home.”  After being escorted to three different seats, I end up next to a flaxen-haired goddess.  Having imbibed a few beverages, I am pliable and compliant to conversation.  Unfortunately, it takes her all of five minutes to announce she is married (and happy).

The plane isn’t taking off, or even taxiing for that matter.  The co-pilot apparently was out smoking a cigarette, lost in his own thoughts.  The plane, covered in ice and snow.  Apparently, we weren’t going anywhere.  Luckily for me, the flight attendant has taken a shine to me and is plying me with alcohol, making me even more accessible.  Again, I strike up a conversation with the woman to my side.  Before long, she is stroking my hair, rubbing my ears, and whispering how she loves my build.  Loves my build?  I’m 5’6″, 135 soaking wet…….Methinks, the tide is turning on our rendezvous….

Let me digress.  I am a fan of dark-haired women, with dark eyes, and tanned skin.  This woman before me was a blond-haired, blue-eyed, fit specimen, definitely not looking the forty years of age she claimed to be.  OK, so I was intrigued.  BUT, she was married……13 years….and with the gent for 7 years before.  Where do I fit in?

Continuing to make small talk, she takes in her bottle of water.  Admiring her resolve to not drink as I do, she informs me she ingests three to four gallons a day.  Here is where the proverbial worm turns!  I remark that must be the reason why she has remained so beautiful….and tight, and she gushes?  (That’s the best way I can describe how she moved in her seat, based on this lonely compliment.)

What happened from then can only be explained as heavenly……..and unbelievable!

Whispering how much I wish we had met before she was betrothed, I notice how her hand is slowly trailing up my inner thigh, seemingly reaching for the ever-growing bulge in my jeans.  As her first couple fingers start trailing across the now definite ridge of my manhood, I begin to squirm.  I am thoroughly enjoyable, and a fun conversationalist, but I am no runway model, or a beneficiary of “Penthouse Forum” entries.  As a matter of fact, if I was 18, I would have exploded in a messy form of sheer delight.

Unable to contain myself, I arch my jaw towards her, thankfully to her waiting mouth and we engage in a kiss that should’ve made everyone around us blush.  Her tongue exploring my mouth, as if she were cleaning my teeth, I was lost in a wave of exuberance.  What are we doing?  She is married, I’m drunk, we should not be doing this…….I can’t stop!

As she now has a full on grip of my masculinity, I am overwhelmed, to say the least.  She whispers in my ear that the carpet matches the drapes, and asks if I know what she means.  As I snicker, I ask if she wondered because I was drooling.  Her chuckle brought me to near orgasm.

This was getting out of control!  A plane, full of 100 people, was about to experience our new-found friendship in all of its robust glory, and I was in no position to stop it.  I slip my hand up into her fine, silk blouse, cupping the most perfect breast I have ever touched and coming closer and closer to the most glorious climax I have ever felt.

Thankfully, for everyone involved, the plane then landed in Nashville.  But, wait!  This is almost over now…..  Everyone knows, that once we deplane, she will be gone, and we will disappear into the lives we lived before this chance encounter.

However, this wasn’t the case.  We scurry off the plane as quickly as possible, not caring who was watching.  She dragged me to the airport bathroom, hurrying to the last stall.  I needed no further inspiration as I pushed her on, for lack of a better word, the commode.  Her skirt was at her hips in no time, and I admit, I ripped her black lace panties from her “golden palace” and dove right in to her womanhood.  She was not lying!  Her landing strip was pure homespun gold, as if it were laid by angels.  My tongue dove deep into her love cave as she writhed in, what I hope was absolute passion, bucking against my mouth like she was riding a bucking bronco.  I have never been happier!

After fifteen minutes of this endeavor, she stands me up and removes my pants immediately.  Watching her french-manicured fingers pull my essence to her waiting mouth, I almost blew right then.  She acted as if it were the last popsicle on Earth.  Sucking, and blowing; Blowing, and sucking.  I had her head in my hands, blond strands through my fingers, yearning to feed her the nectar I call “love”.

I must say that normally I am only 6.5″ or so, but when I released my demon from her mouth, it appeared 8+.  Ready to burst and bigger than ever!

I was a proud Papa and she was better than ever!  Admittedly, I slammed my Monster into her waiting Beauty and, for the first time in my life, I knew……….she came like Niagara Falls…….IMMMEDIATELY!

Am I in heaven?   She was screaming, loving, inviting, enjoying….

Let me not fool you!  The minute she started to grab my ass and full-force me into her being, I exploded, too.  DEEP & Full.  She had no inhibitions, no children that had come forth from it (tight & right), and her womanliness seemed to swallow my girth moreso than her mouth did.  For the first time in my life, I felt as if I came for minutes, as opposed to the few seconds it generally takes.

I collapsed, falling into her waiting arms, sweaty, raw, generous beings being enveloped in each others aurae.  For a minute, I felt complete!

AHHHHHHHHHHH………… Good Lord……..Jesus!

If only I could see her again………..Julie

Who loves me?

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute on November 17, 2013 by unklehookd

How can I possibly have hope for the future when I have NO belief in the past?

I was told tonight that marriage is something that no one believes in.  (This is coming from a 70+ yr. old woman, Catholic in  nature, and someone who you would think would believe in magic (marriage).


I’m a 41-yr. old man, not great looking (not bad, but not hot) and I pretty much have no chance of having a kid.

My own mother doesn’t believe that marriage is cool.  Not saying that I have to have a wife.  But, I do wanna have a kid.

How do I raise the roof?  Are we sticky?  Are we not?

I make no sense.  I make no apologies.

Sticky Wonderpuss!

I love thee.  I love you!

Who loves me?

Today’s Lesson (Abbreviated)

Posted in death, life, memoirs, parent, thoughts, travel, tribute with tags , , , on October 29, 2013 by unklehookd

1.  Stop watching things that disturb me.

2.  I eventually just got used to it.

3.  It is what it is.

4.  Appropriation/Prioritization

5.  Do something.

6.  Wisdom is key.  Knowledge is great.

7.  The answer: love

8.  The question:  ??

9.  Money vs. $$$ vs. MONEY

10.  Wicked Games (Week’nd)

Midnight Musings……

Posted in death, life, love, memoirs, parent, thoughts, tribute, Uncategorized on September 27, 2013 by unklehookd

I realized something tonight.  When you answer to a “supreme power,” you answer to no one on Earth.  Much to my mother’s chagrin, I don’t answer to her.  I love her more than anyone on this mystical sphere, yet I do not answer to her.  She gracefully accepts what I tell her I’m doing, but I truly only feel reverence to my personal God.  This, unfortunately, leads to me lying to everyone, somewhat.  Am I who I say I am?  Yes, but only to a certain degree.  Everyone here has their own agenda.  I have mine.  Where does that get me?  Or anyone else for that matter?

I feel like a double agent.  And, yes, I was watching “Burn Notice” the other night.  It’s funny.  Sometimes, one is working both sides of the fence, as I am, it seems, these days.  You tell this person this, that person that, but where do you really fall on the spectrum of “Who am I?”  Who knows?  Do you?  I don’t.

I know what I believe in.  That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in what you believe in.  I just am where I am.  If you are not where I am, oh well.  I should not expect you to be.  And everyone who is not where I am, how can you be mad at me if I’m not where you are?


Is anyone where you are right now?  (PAUSE)……. I didn’t think so!  So, how can I be?

And, furthermore, how can I be mad if you’re not where I am? Hmmmmm…….

20 Personal Pontifications:

1.  Death is imminent

2.  Love is fleeting

3.  Life is a gift

4.  Marriage is something I’ll probably never know.  (but does it matter?)

5.  Happiness is subjective

6.  Depression is just anger inverted

7.  Anger is unnecessary, for an evolved being

8.  Everybody needs something

9.  Faith is the absence of fear

10.  God is something each individual needs to define for themselves

11.  Love is THE key

12.  The children ARE the future

13.  There’s no such thing as coincidence

14.  Everything happens for a reason

15.  You are where you are supposed to be, RIGHT NOW!

16.  Be good

17.  Love one another

18.  You are all you got

19.  You’re born alone, you live alone, you die alone

20.  Be the difference you want to see in the world

Yes, some of my pontifications were quotes from others, but these were the 20 things that came to mind when thinking about what I need to think about now.  And, as many of you know, I don’t write this for you.  I do this for me.  I may be crazy, but I get my instructions from these nighttime ramblings, so I gotta do me.

Thank you for your support.  I love you all!

I do believe this was actually helpful.  It’s been a while!

What Do You Do?

Posted in death, drugs, life, love, memoirs, parent, sex, thoughts, travel, tribute on January 22, 2013 by unklehookd

“I don’t need anyone to love me,
I do want people to like me”

How fucked up is that?  Rather be acknowledged than admired…..

I AM a little boy.

I don’t know what I’ve been thinking for all these years.  I’m not a man.

Not a real one.

I have survived more experiences than many will ever even go through.  But where does that get me?

I have a fantastic family.  Thank God!

The people I associate with are merely little kids too.

What does being a man consist of?


I act in a certain way.  That’s debatable.

I don’t act the part.  I don’t dress the part.  I AM not the guy.

Who am I really?

I’m a guy who hasn’t got a job (to speak of).  I’m a guy who hasn’t got a home (to speak of).  I’m a guy who has very few friends.  I’m a guy who has a family, but one that doesn’t believe in him.

Future?  Who really knows?

Present?  Living day to day, surviving.

Past?  Is there any need to recount it?

I live like a child.  Depending on the good grace of others.  Eating the scraps of other people’s well wishes.

I spit out my drunken pontifications, waiting for someone to empathize, someone to read my ramblings and feel what it is I’m feeling.  Is that living?

When faced with adversity, I certainly put up a good front.  I act like I’m a man with sense, a man with courage.  Meanwhile, I’m a shivering bitch, cowering in the corner, waiting for the good I expect to just rain down upon me, because it’s supposed to be that way.  Yeah, I’ve earned it.  I adhere to karmic laws, and what I have brought down, I have paid for.  What now shall come is what I have come to deserve, which is only good, at this point.  Who the FUCK do I think I am?

What a silly man I am.  I blog, and I post, and I assume……Does anyone really care?  Of course they don’t, you fool!   And I expect to be a guiding light for the children of the world?  At least the ones that look to me as a compass of sorts.  Please God, do NOT let them follow me!

I DO feel love.  I DO!  I know in my heart that I love my brethren and my children!

I don’t beat myself up for those who I have injured.  I AM sorry, but I don’t feel I should incure further pain for that.  Sorry, but that does not play into me becoming better?

Does THAT make me a bad person?

I assume everyone would have their own opinion on that, depending on whether they feel as if they are the injured, or the injurer……….

Again, I do not feel lesser than anyone, but I do feel like I want to leave a lasting impression on the world as we know it, and I would prefer it not to be bad.

What do YOU offer?  Insolence?  Apathy?  Indifference?  

I have felt so much love thrown my way.  How do I repay that?

I was asked recently whether or not I would like to be a father.  How could I be?  I am not the best son I can be.  I am not the best friend I can be.  I am not the best uncle I can be.  That one hurts more that any of the previous statements, doesn’t it?  

I am only a son of two.  I am a friend of only a few.  I am an uncle of a number somewhere in the teens.  That makes that my baseline, doesn’t it?

Love does not conquer all!  What legacy do I leave the world?

I want to be a good man!  I want to be someone worth remembering.  So what are you going to do to make that so?

GOD is a DJ!  LIFE is a dance floor.  LOVE is the rhythm.  YOU are the music!

I refuse to be negative!  I WILL succeed, or die!  What does that mean?

What must one do to move forward in a positive way?

My father is 93 years old…..

I am already 40 years old.

Have I given him any sense of fulfillment?


Do I need to?

Not necessarily.

What would give him some sense of satisfaction?

Not sure.

What would give YOU some sense of satisfaction?

Good Question!!!!

I am losing interest.  I am NOT a bad guy.  I AM confused.

When the fuck will I grow up?

Everyone I know has been married, or has children, or has done something of consequence.  Except you!

1/12/13 – Gotta mean something, eh Son?!?

So, do it!

“Everything you do,
Is how you do everything you do!”


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 102 other followers