Wow! Been a bit.
Jesus! I sat down, thinking I have something to say. Between compiling the publisher submissions, the editing of past works, the re-visiting of the expulsion of some of my past lives and a new pen pal I’ve acquired along the way, I may have thought myself out. Discussions on the veracity of free will, poems, which if not for some of my Mike-ian vernacular, could very well be written by an 8-yr old. God, I hope not. GO SEE KIDS!
Today was different. I organized some shit, but really I didn’t do nothing. You helped paint the living room.
True ‘dat! I believe there is a first time for everything….
But, I had to slow down. I am, what the “High Rollers” call, on tilt.
It’s been exactly 3 weeks now of me having lost my job. Somehow, I have managed to:
- Replace the alternator, radiator, and some belt work in the car.
- Clean, and paint, and help brighten up my residence.
- Get in touch with the state, who have been holding “unclaimed funds” for me, and claimed ’em.
- Enlist in a “Stair Climb, ” AND climbed all the damn stairs (my legs, noodles, and well before the top)
- No training, no problem. (Outside the obese, I was the unhealthiest person there. <9min – (33rd/115 My heat)
- Raise $500+ for the Amer Lung Assn. Maybe it’s used so another 15 y.o. doesn’t get unklehookd on MarbReds
- Enrol in some meditation experiments. Cost=$0
- Create the beginnings of a Recommended Reading List, understanding I have to pick up reading again.
- Get back to writing. So I can expel all the lunacy inside, in an environment less likely to commit me.
- Start working on a way to submit some old stuff from my closet and flood the system til I find a direction.
I’m glad I created this outlet. If I don’t write it down, it’s not quite as solid. And, looking at this, it is the most impressive reaction to a life-altering event we have ever accomplished.
Don’t forget the drinking, or the lack thereof……..Goes w/out saying, trumpeter. That list wouldn’t have been possible
But, good job, you little hot dog. What are you, 5, Mikey?
Hate to bust up the love-fest, but there’s one thing you didn’t do and one thing you didn’t mention…
You know, I get the whole money thing is necessary, but getting up, and getting excited, and feeling that hunger for a new “job” doesn’t just regenerate that quickly these days. I, with almost everyone, but especially in places where they pay me to be there, go into the relationship, only seeing the opportunities before me, not looking for anything to be amiss. But, both of the last two jobs here in Seattle, have sucked the soul out of me, to a degree. I put my heart into whatever job I’m doing, if I can just believe in you. Both these guys did quality work, with quality materials, and quality workmen. Seemingly stable operations. But, maybe I had just forgotten, having been on such a long sabbatical from “businessmen,” at the end of the day, the one above me is always breaking his arm, patting himself on the back, and I don’t speak Egoese, so we never really understand each other, or our motivations. I do hear the words coming out of their mouths, but all I hear is, “I’m gonna say whatever I say, til I’m done saying what I have to say, and it is what it is, ’cause I need it to be, at least, ’til I’m done saying what I have been trying to say all along. I’m the greatest!” (and all to a lah-de-dah melody……ugh)
Lot of introspection afforded today. Lot of thoughts. We have to stop that initial blockade we have: Insta-BANG!
Going 200 mph, like I’m racing in the Purgatory 400 for my life.
I don’t want to look for another job to under-utilize me, over-exploit me and disappoint me once I’m invested.
Looks like you were right, MotherFeldman! I do still have some residual, or maybe resident, anger. I do still have a chip on my shoulder. I do feel I was right (and that plus a quarter won’t even get you a phone call) I do feel like I still have something to prove. To whom? the fact that bullies get away with it.The things I did that angered them, were when I was showing initiative. Like when I would work more than my scheduled hours, or help whoever was sitting near me (with mindset, more than wording), or keep track of everyone’s numbers so they know where they were for bonuses, and I figured out how to bring in more than anyone else on my playing field. And the owner, and the GM, are so clueless to this situation that ……whatever. I don’t give a fuck about them. I was fucked, and that hurt. PERIOD. And that’s all I need to realize, absorb, and POOF!…….Guess what? Better. Still not too eager to look for a new taskmaster.
Well, we’re gonna need money from somewhere. 11:11. Yeah, we need a better plan. We are way in over our head with the writing thing. We’re gonna have to start small and grow, if possible. Maybe P/T, in conjunction w/ 4+ hrs/day dedicated to the word. Bills don’t equal much. No social life to speak of. Speaking of which, if this somehow fills in a circle of time and makes it back to here, I do have a little side message.
Fuck you, Sickly McSerious & you too, Strippy Sunshower! I don’t even remember how much of my break time was spent listening to you howl about how shitty you always felt and how much you hated this, or how that person was so………something or other. (Do you remember when you said the last straw would be if they all of a sudden got rid of me?) Not to worry, I knew when you said it, it was horseshit. But, I did, and I do, appreciate that sentiment. I just don’t appreciate how neither of you could even respond when I asked you something (which had nothing to do with that place)? I mean, who am I to ask for anyone to check up on me, to see if I’m OK, knowing Big Sexy was going for a killshot, doing this as my repair bill comes in and I have no hours logged. No “Hey man, how’s it going? We’re thinking of you, or rooting for you. Not even a good luck, Ace” FINE. I am the worst at keeping in touch with everybody. And, your livelihood depended on you returning to the Sixth Reich. But, I remember to advise you when another healthy, charitable, social event rolled around. No acknowledgement of receipt, no thanks. Shit, tell me to fuck off, but don’t ignore me when I take the time, and waste the energy to speak to you.
I hope as time continues to remunerate you, for the time you served house-ridden, the less you will stay like that caricature and the closer you will become to who I know you really are.
And, Sunshower, my sweet little girl. You’re probably the smartest one of us all, but I seriously hope you don’t keep letting everyone else lead you in circles. You chase your tail, they watch you get dizzy and then tell you some nonsense. If you stopped listening to everybody else, you would take off like a rocket ship. Stop letting everyone else hold you back! I know it’s tempting to hand over the reins, so when you fail, or go nowhere, you can alleviate yourself of all responsibilities and have someone to cast dispersion on, for your lot in life.
DONE. The place hurt me. The people who feigned interest hurt me. Well, we allowed them to hurt us. And, then, we allowed ourselves to feel it. So……DONE.
Bigger fish to fry. How do I get over myself? How do I get around myself? How do I go through myself?
This is going to come to a head soon. The grace with which this situation’s been handled, while awe-inspiring, in contrast to the usual, but yesterday will always be yesterday. And, something’s gotta give. I can not honestly think that if I keep doing productive things, and keep a smile on my face, that some “angel from heaven” is gonna come down and help pay my bills. I know it doesn’t work like that. But, I’ve been living like that for a bit. Riding the tide, staying upbeat, but running out quick. And, we all are well aware of how we are when the well runs dry….
Now, remember, after the last couple “things” this last year, I distinctly recall saying that I don’t know why I allow myself to get worked up in these instances, because somehow it always works itself out in the end. Well, we’re testing that theory.
WHAT IF I’M WRONG? Is this The Mirror Conspiracy?
Being that we all have probably 36 separate faces, it’s no wonder I never know who I am. As a for instance, I might think the kind, mild-mannered gentleman is showing primarily, yet there’s a community center searching the alleys for Dirt McGirt, aka Weirdo McCreepster.
WHAT IF I AM COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING? ALL OF IT! WHAT IF MY CONTRARIANISM COMES SO NATURALLY, BECAUSE I AM THE VERY DEFINITION OF WRONG?
How can I always be looking in exactly the wrong direction as everyone else? Is that even possible?
You may be right. I may be crazy. It just might be a lunatic you’re looking for…….
DOES ANY OF IT REALLY MATTER? Depends on the mood. I could go for ‘NAH’ right this very moment….Good talk! Amen. BANG, SON!
Don’t know ’bout 60 secs from now. KEEP actin’ right! AND BREATHE….!!